Mass Transcendence: Mass Symphony 4
by bluekrishna
Summary: I'm finally done with the finale. Woot! Post ME3 arc. All Garrus POV. I changed a few key events, but overall kept the spirit I think. It's got angst and terror and love and all those La Vie Boheme type thingies. Enjoy! Oh and please read the whole symphony because it won't make much sense if you don't.
1. Chapter 1

"So they...just left?" The sound of his voice caused a hush in the room. His back was to the room full of turians, seemingly not part of their heated debate. He was gazing out of the window at the reconstruction of the Citadel. Its bulk hung in the space above him, partially complete, panels removed, parts never meant to be exposed open to space. It was kind of like looking at a woman with half her clothes off and he suddenly felt like some kind of voyeur, peeping through windows. He shut his eyes at the thought, in self disgust. It would be quite a while before it was habitable, maybe years. A lot of it had to be built from scratch.

"Yes, there was the light...and then they just took off, they didn't even wait to let their ground forces board, just thousands of them rocketing up through the atmosphere." Primarch Victus, who looked older and older every day, said in a tone of confusion.

"Any idea what this 'light' was? Any sensors catch it?"

A female turian with dark coloring and yellow bands of color on her cheeks stood, "All telemetry was knocked out by the wave, we only caught a tiny piece of it and I hate to say, it was...nonsense. Just noise and light."

Garrus sighed and pinched the bridge of his nose, "What happened to their forces?"

His father, who'd come out of retirement to help with the Restoration, as the various peoples of the galaxy had taken to calling it, stepped forward and said, "Inactive, dead, just piles and piles of corpses."

"I assume someone has vids, show them to me." Orders, to men who'd never thought to take orders from him before this war and Garrus suppressed a snort as they jumped to oblige him now. No, a quiet retirement was never going to be his lot and it rankled a bit.

A holographic display popped up at the terminal before him as he turned to face the room. He saw the HUD of someone's helmet cam, data spooling off the sides, showing hostiles as dots and numbers for distances to targets. It was similar to what his visor used to do, before he'd destroyed it on a dirtball far from here. He focused on the scene, the soldier whose helmet it was was clearly a turian, towering over the smaller races running with him. Explosions ahead made the soldier zoom in to see a large group of husks sprinting at them in mindless fury.

Skillfully, the group tore them apart, using ordinance, Garrus saw with approval. Suddenly, there was the terrifying boom of a Reaper above and the camera swung up and to the left to see one of those monsters land right over the strike force and he watched with secondhand trepidation as the red eye of the thing flared in preparation to fire its deadly beam. The soldier whose eyes he was looking through yelled something incomprehensible just as a sweeping arc of green energy felled every soldier there, making them tumble in the shadow of that colossus. It filled the sky with light, sheets of palpable force that poured over them. He could almost hear something in the undertones of it. Through the shaking lens, Garrus saw the Reaper stumble in the energy blast's wake, all its lights and blinky things turning from red to green.

It seemed confused as it gained its bearings and crouched with another one of those booming cries. Then it lifted from the ground ponderously, its rockets flaring as it gained altitude. A cacophonous shriek filled the air around them as every Reaper force in the vicinity clutched its head and fell to its knees. Garrus saw the camera pan left and right, taking in husks, marauders, brutes and banshees all dropping to the ground, green light pouring from eyes and mouths. Then they just fell over, silent, dead and empty of that unholy vitality that had so driven them before. And on the horizon, more black shapes lifted away from the Earth.

He heard the turian soldier mutter something that sounded suspiciously like, "What the fuck?"

And the recording cut out, leaving him with more questions than it answered. He looked out at the faces turned expectantly toward him and kept his face blank, "And then they went out and fixed the mass effect relays?"

"Yes, the Reapers repaired them, then they used them. To where, we don't know. There have been no sightings as of five days ago. From every world in every system they just vanished." Victus shook his head.

A mystery, and to think, he used to love mysteries. Now it was just another pain in the ass, trying to figure out why the giant bastards would leave on the cusp of victory. Possibilities flooded his mind and he put his hands on the table before him, "Worst case scenario, they fled a larger threat. Let's hope that's not what happened."

Gasps around the table told him that this was one they hadn't considered. What could be a bigger threat than the Reapers, he could hear them thinking. He clenched his fist, as he tried to say the next without betraying the rage that still filled him at the thought of her, and was pleased that his voice came out mild, even, "Best case, Shepard succeeded and we won. Let's run with that one for now. Patrol the rim with the fleets, work on the Restoration. We still have a long way to go. What is the status of our colonies?"

Victus stood and flipped on his omnitool, feeding the latest reports to the monitors on every console in the room. "Many are still empty, the colonists are reluctant to stray too far out, and there are pirates and mercs preying on the ones that are undermanned."

Cicero,_ General_ Cicero, stood to contribute, "The krogan have offered to help secure our borders in return for a few worlds in our space that we can't use anyway, being levo, not dextro."

They were expanding already, though he'd been informed that the krogan birthrate wasn't anywhere near as high as it was before the rebellions. Mordin had done his work well, or maybe Wrex had gotten his people to understand the large amount of unease a sudden surplus of krogan would engender in these unsteady modern times. Garrus nodded at the primarch, who said, "Do it. We need the protection and they need the space. Maybe a few joint colonies would be in order."

Garrus nodded again, it was a sound idea. He'd bring it up to Wrex when he went to Tuchanka in a few months. "See if we can set up some task forces to thin the pirate population down, we'll need small fast ships like the ones the asari use, maybe...thirty or so teams, you know the ones I mean."

Cicero nodded, he did know indeed. The special forces Garrus had trained would need an outlet now that there was no war on, idle soldiers made for trouble. But there would always be another job to do, another operation to pull off.

His father stood again, clearing his throat, "The council is trying to re-establish its authority now that the Citadel is being restored. They want to know if we have a candidate to replace Sparatus, who fell during the attack on Earth."

Victus smiled grimly, "I've been in contact with the other races' leadership, they wonder if it isn't time to make a more permanent galactic government, with farther reaching powers that blankets all the races."

Garrus shuddered, "Carefully, best not to rush something like that or we'll have talk of empires. I can have Javik come up here and talk to you about empires if you have any doubt about how...corruptible a system like that is. Small steps, test the waters with a few joint colonies first. Though, I am loathe to give everything over to a council that discredited the Reaper threat so blithely."

"As am I." Victus ran a hand over his fringe, "I'll continue to coordinate directly with the other governments and we'll limit exactly how much power the council has from this point forward. I'll appoint a temporary councilor to assuage them for now. Shepard would probably just disband them if she were here."

A hard knot in his guts told him that he'd better leave before he said something...counterproductive. Garrus stood, "Gentlemen, I take my leave of you. Forward any intel on the border skirmishes to my omnitool, if you please. I'll have those teams sorted out before the week is out. Primarch, generals."

He nodded out, striding with purpose to the door. Behind him, he heard Victus call the meeting adjourned and sighed, apparently if he wasn't present, there was no business to discuss. It was depressing how much they depended on him and how he couldn't help but give them his all. All that work to take himself out of the equation and it went up in flames as soon as he'd survived the war. He didn't want to imagine what would be happening now in the turian Heirarchy without his stabilizing presence.

But then he figured they would have gotten along somehow, fallen back on tradition, which would have worked for a time, maybe even for a long long time. Garrus wasn't arrogant enough to believe that his species was going to die out without him.

* * *

"Didn't waste any time, did you?" He said wryly as he poked his sister in her expanding midsection. A child, the first of many they hoped, if the gleam in their eyes was any indication. It hurt a bit to see them, the happy family his sister had, one reason he kept his visits short. Solana glowed in her gravidity, the blue markings on her face standing out even more against her dusky, gold-ish plates. Cicero stood proudly by, in his uniform with its rows of bars and insignia, a very discreet double chevron at his breast. It had become a standardized piece of military rank that never failed to make Garrus feel the slightest twinge of embarrassment.

Those months of training his cadres on a rainy, windswept old vineyard seemed so long ago, another lifetime even. Before he'd been blindsided by-but no, he wouldn't think of it now, he didn't want to ruin these precious moments he had to be with family. Solana smiled gently at him, "Uncle Garrus, has a nice ring to it, doesn't it?"

Cicero smirked, "Indeed."

"You won't think it's so nice when I show them how to shoot." He meant it as a joke, but his serious tone made their smiles falter and he forced a smile to soothe their fears. They laughed easily and he twitched a mandible in amusement. "So now to business. The house."

"I know that by birthright, it's yours, but-" Solana drifted off awkwardly and he waved her to silence.

"Have it, with my blessing. I have no use for it. The men use formal training grounds now on Menae and once dad is...gone, I'm sure he won't object at all. He's going to want you close in any case, so he can spoil your kids. Have fun with that." Garrus put his hand over her belly, envy gnawing at his soul but he held her gaze with strength, "I want you to leave me my room, though, if you could, so I can come visit...whenever."

"Of course we will and you must come visit often, so that they will know you, O'Savior of the Galaxy." She laughed. He kept himself from wincing at the title.

"I'll try, but there's so much work to be done, I may not be able to. You know me, always running off. Always something that needs doing."

She eyed him critically, "You should take some time, Garrus, for yourself."

He shook his head sadly, what was he to tell her? He had no dreams left for himself, he had only the work of his hands, the dreams of others to fulfill. She'd taken them with her, wherever she was now, and left him nothing. "I'm okay, Sol. The job will keep me. That's all I need."

Her eyes flickered with some deep emotion and he made his face opaque before her questing gaze. This was what he'd learned in the last few weeks, this impassive shell to block people out. It wasn't the type that begged penetration, he'd mastered it in such a way that it appeared that there was nothing hiding under it, just openness. Assuaged, her gaze softened and she turned to her husband, "I'm going to go to the requisitions sergeant. Get a new pillow for my back."

"I'll wait here for you, make some of that cha you like." Cicero said after her as she left, a smile of complete adoration on his face. It made him look a tad foolish in a sweet way and Garrus felt another pang in his heart, that he silenced with a violent shake. Thankfully, it went unnoticed and he smacked the smitten turian on the shoulder.

"You better be glad you married her, because if I caught any male looking at my _sister_ like that..." The threat was mildly delivered and it served its purpose, which was to snap the man out of it. "Now tell me about the rim. What had you so excited about some survey teams?"

"See for yourself." Cicero handed him a datapad, keyed to a specific section of a report.

Garrus scanned the data, eyes widening in wonder. "A whole colony...A whole batarian colony, untouched. Do the refugees know?"

"Sent the messages as soon as I heard. Figured they deserved some hope. Got ships taking them to their new home now." Cicero smiled as he took in Garrus' grin of genuine pleasure. A flicker of hope, which he hadn't felt for a long while now, tickled the back of his mind.

"I was so certain that they were going to die out and as much as I dislike batarians, we could do with less of that, races of people dying out." Garrus sat abruptly, his voice suddenly stern, "I want them protected. No damned mercs or pirates to finish off what the Reapers started. A cruiser could do it on its own and act as a space station at the same time."

"I'll send the orders tomorrow, boss."

"I'm not your boss, kid, I don't even have a rank." He settled back in his chair, the news on that datapad bringing him a measure of comfort. "Never got a commission, never got a fancy hat."

"Ha. When the primarch takes your orders without batting an eye, I think that maybe you get to be a boss." Cicero laughed as he sat next to his brother in law, "Besides, rank would just get in the way, right?"

"Hmm, yeah it would, keeps them on their toes if they don't know whether or not to salute. Nice, guess they did me an unintentional favor by letting me slip through the cracks on that one." Garrus closed his eyes, then turned a slow smile on his former lieutenant, "Congratulations, Cicero, you'll make a great dad."

"Thanks, boss. And for what it's worth, you would have, too." Cicero turned his eyes from the devastated flicker in Garrus', for which he was grateful. A moment to wrestle with his feelings of hurt and rage and he was in control again. They sat in companionable silence until Sol came back and Garrus did his best to be happy for them, because they deserved it. Even succeeded somewhat.

* * *

Palaven was a mess, though a slightly smaller mess than the first time he'd been back since...well, that. Garrus walked through the streets from the spaceport, noting how people tended to get on with their lives no matter how much rubble they had to shift to do it. Every citizen took time out of their day to help with the Restoration, before their work shifts, after dinner, it was heartening to see the people come together and undertake something on so large a scale. Salarian engineers had come from Sur'Kesh to rebuild the infrastructures, waste management, electrical grids, and so forth.

He enjoyed his relative anonymity in this place, no one really glanced at him twice and it felt a luxury to be without responsibility for even so short a time. He made a note to check on turian fleet dispersal in salarian space, might as well return the favor. Salarian space might not have been hit as hard as other places, but they still had threats to their people out there. Same for the elcor, and the volus were in a bad fix as well. A grimace flashed across his face as he thought of the beleaguered races, ones that had truly taken the brunt of the Reapers attack because they'd had no military to speak of.

He took a rented aircar home, noting as he pulled into the garage that the herbicide he'd used on the blossoms that now covered the house from foundation to roof hadn't worked. So much for advertising, he made a mental note to get his money back. His father was in the garden, at his mother's grave, as he was so often now. He walked over to stand by him and gazed down at the moss covered mound. The older Vakarian turned slightly, "Garrus."

"Dad. How's mom?"

"Good, still here. I'd half expected the Reapers to dig up the corpses of the dead to fight for them."

Garrus shuddered at the horrifying thought, nausea rising in his gullet, "I, uh, don't think that's how that works."

"What do you mean?" His father shot him a sideways look.

Garrus sighed and let his intuition do the talking, "I..think that the bodies didn't matter. I think they were after what was in the bodies."

"Their...spirits?" Gaius' browplates rose in shock, "That's even worse."

"Tell me about it."

"Then I am doubly glad she is safe, beyond their reach."

"Me, too." They looked down again. Garrus could smell the roses and jasmine that had creeped over the house and sighed in frustration. There was no respite for him, anywhere.

"My time is growing short, I think, son. Soon you'll be Gaius of the estate."

"Ugh, Gaius Garrus Vakarian. Don't you think that's a bit much? Besides, I gave Sol my rights to the house. So, she'll be Gaia Solana Vakarian. Much better." His father rumbled in amusement. He wrapped an arm around the older male's shoulders, "Soon, you'll be surrounded by a horde of small turians with sticky hands. She's already showing."

"You're a good son, Garrus. Are you staying?" Gaius asked, pleading with his eyes for his one son to stay.

"Yes, dad, I will." _Even though I really don't want to._ Garrus walked the man into the big house covered in vines and flowers, trying not to wrinkle his nose at the stink of them. At least inside, there was the buffer of walls to shield him from unpleasant memories. What he'd once done out of love and the desire to remember, he now regretted as a torture on his senses and psyche.

* * *

_He dreamt. Drifting above a world that was wild and untamed, he shouted in exultation. Here was something lost, though it only lay on the barest periphery what it could be. Then a breathless moment later, he was a bird, flying over a valley with tiny dots of light flaming at its heart. A long sleek shape glowed in the moonlight. Around each fire, the word came slowly to him as misty and tenuous as the most ephemeral thought could be, he saw brilliant lights, each touched by a majesty that rivaled the stars above. One fire drew him as no other, the light of the being beside it a mirror to his own._

_A flash and he was a small animal, its vision distorted by how far apart its eyes were. Some sort of warm blooded thing, he felt the quickness of its heart, the flash of brilliant mottled fur. Mortal flesh sang around him, as sweet and feral and sensual as he remembered and he darted through the underbrush, closer to the light. A broad back met his darting gaze, an anima of blinding light around it making his weak nocturnal eyes half close and a flash of something in that being's hand made the blood freeze, a knife, the word again occurred to him, along with the idea, the concept, of flesh rending, blood flying almost making his tiny mammal heart explode in fright._

_The animal he was watched curious as that knife slid along that other's skin while the one inside screamed in pain as the first sounds of tortured metal filled the air. He watched in masochistic agony as the bright thing fell to the ground and was kicked into the dim fire, so dim beside that huge figure next to it. All joy fled, he was a thing of misery as he watched the token burn, burn. Long after it was ashes, he watched. The being was asleep and the beast dared not go any closer, so he abandoned its flesh, feeling his awareness expand and expand until it became so very hard to stay there. He ran toward the fire and plunged the memory of hands into its heart, but there was no flesh to hold anything, no way to touch or feel._

_And the last thing he remembered feeling before he lost his grip on this small plane was despair, deep and horrible._

He woke with sweat pouring off his flesh and didn't know why, his heart hammering away inside him. Whatever visions that daunted him in his sleep fled into his subconscious. He smelled rose and jasmine and snarled in wordless rage, lunging out of bed to stalk to the small adjoining bathroom. He clenched his hands around the lip of the sink until they ached, battering back the urge to destroy this room and everything in it. Finally, a measure of control was restored with each deep, rasping breath and he splashed water over his face, feeling it cool his heated skin.

Time, he needed time. Away from this house, time enough to let the fire of hate in him dim to bitterness. Visits, yes, but never another night with that smell haunting him. Alone, in that bathroom, he felt the thoughts come unbidden. He cursed her silently, for her broken promises, her lies, she'd broken a faith that he'd thought unshakable and he hoped she knew it. This was by far worse than Omega had ever been, at least he'd had the excuse of a rather loose grip on reality then. He was sane, so terribly sane and angry. It was galling.

He packed his things with more force than necessary, then took a few minutes to gather the tattered shield of his stoicism around him. And left, with his pride intact.


	2. Chapter 2

The ships were sleek and deadly, a combination of turian and asari engineering. They hovered like birds of prey on the field before him. Perfect and new. He nodded in satisfaction and paid the asari watching him, more than was agreed upon. The extra was for forgetfulness, he didn't want word of these marvels getting out there. But considering his contact, he didn't really have to worry about intel leaks.

"The Shadow Broker sends his compliments, Mr. Vakarian." The asari tipped an imaginary hat to him and he nodded at her again.

His soldiers eyed the Raptors, named for the rifle, eagerly, and he felt a grin tug at his mandible at the sight. "Tullius, what is wrong with this picture?"

Garrus gestured out to the ships with their powerful dangerous silhouettes and the men at his back muttered in confusion. Tullius grinned, though more than half his face was a ruin of scars, he was even missing a mandible, "They're too pretty, boss."

"That's right. They're too pretty. Go out there and ugly them up a bit." He stared at the asari, who looked livid and offended at this blasphemy, "No one's going to believe that these belong to mercs. Each squad take a ship, I want to see some really_ creative_ upgrades and customization."

Garrus turned an amused eye to the Shadow Broker agent, who looked flustered under his regard, his browplate shot up archly in a question. She laughed lightly, nervously, "I just, I've never seen so many non-turians in the turian military."

"Times are changing, miss-?"

"Elana, Elana Angelus." The asari blushed, artfully. _ This was a dangerous one, _thought he as he bent over her hand. The sort to sleep with a man and stab him in the next breath. But at least there was a sort of honesty about it, she wasn't pretending to be something she wasn't.

"Well... Angel, I'd like to stay and chat, but I have places to be, so if you'll excuse us." It was a firm dismissal with the tag of a compliment and she smiled up into his eyes, which were cold and distant. Odd how that seemed to attract a certain...type. Nevertheless, she left quickly, her aircar flying away at speed, eager to return to report success, he was sure. He hoped Liara knew what she was doing, employing vipers like that.

He turned to gaze at his men, thinking about what she'd said about the mix of soldiers he had working for him now. There wasn't a race out there that wasn't represented here, except maybe the elcor. He hadn't found one yet that could be covert, but he held out hope that one day he would. Every one of these men and women here were tried and true, volunteered by the separate militaries for this experiment in cooperation. So far, it had been a success, they trained well together, had grown used to the alien-ness of each other with gratifying speed.

He encouraged the comraderie, often doing his own covert ops to get them to unwind together, away from the watchful eye of their COs. It was important that it not be forced, that it happen naturally, the gestalt. It was a difficult balance of hands off and hands on and he relished the challenge in it.

He watched them ugly up their slick new rides with satisfaction, giving pointers on ugly when the occasion warranted, there was some real creativity going on out there, they were treating it like a competition. There were some truly gaudy messes by the time they'd finished, perfect for their purpose. Garrus did have to stop them from going over the top, there was a point where blending in with paint and artifice became standing out and they didn't want that. They were a scalpel in his hand, excising the rotten flesh in the galaxy with precision. Just a different sort of sniper rifle really.

It was a crude metaphor, because he loved them as he could love no rifle, no matter how badass. They were his boys...and girls. His alone. Never hers.

* * *

"We still have to follow the rules. Destroying a ship that_ might_ have mercs on it is against the rules. Only engage targets that have already engaged noncombat vessels or colonies." He poked an LT in the chest as the man stood before him in the private room he had set aside for pretty much this purpose alone. The bed in the corner was mostly unused. The turian looked back at him from his tense parade rest stance looked miserable to have disappointed him. Garrus didn't let up, this was something that, if left to chance and circumstance, could veer their purposes from true, "We are not pirates or mercs, no matter how many eyepatches we wear. We_ hunt_ pirates and mercs, and we do it inside the law. We might bend or even twist the law, but we can never break it. Got me?"

"Got you, sir!" The turian saluted, then opened his mouth and shut it again. Garrus nodded that he should speak his mind, and the man's voice came out hesitant, afraid of reprisal, "What if...a law is unjust?"

"Then we get our superiors to change the law. I'm not going to pretend that every law is good or right, there's some fairly terrible ones out there and don't get me started on red tape, but this is what we do. We help where we can, we take out as many of the stupid mother fuckers who dare to attack ships under our noses as we can. And believe me there are a lot of stupid mother fuckers out there just begging to be shot between the eyes." He watched the man fight a smile, and he relaxed his posture deliberately into a more casual slouch, "You and me, we're never going to be out of work. None of us are."

For a while after this little pep talk, he pondered how much of what he'd said and done was calculated manipulation. It seemed he wondered that more and more. He didn't want to become Saren, or that other person who shall not be named. He just had to trust his instincts, tested in the fire of combat.

Weeks past and he loved every minute he got to just be out here on the rim, running ops with his team, away from politics and bureaucracy. They'd just cleared out an old Cerberus base, when he found some thing in the back of the facility that had him gasping in surprise.

In a contained room, under lock and key, he found a husk, active, just milling about in there. As he approached, it did nothing but stare at him, he couldn't even hear it through the glass. Usually, they attacked by now, throwing themselves mindlessly at any non Reaper with no regard to personal injury.

Curious, he stepped closer and it stepped closer to him, its eyes green lights in its misshapen head. Its mouth moved like it was trying to talk. He looked for an intercom or something. One of his team members, Ambrosius snarled at the sight of the thing, "We should just kill it."

"There's something...odd about it. Help me find a terminal." They searched and found a small panel next to the window itself, it looked sort of like an omnitool interface and as he hit the button, orange screens popped up on the window. He read the symbols for a moment, realizing that the scientists they'd just killed had been just as eager to communicate with this thing as he was. With a healthy dose of torture, he saw, seeing symbols that indicated shock and heat hooked up to the electrodes that sprung from that thing's head.

"Why should we bother with that thing? It seems...harmless." His salarian engineer, Minur, said with a sniff of derision.

Garrus turned his gaze to his followers, chiding, "Because not knowing is unforgivable."

The words turned to ashes in his mouth, they were her words and he grimaced as he typed on the keyboard. '_What are you?'_

The husk put a hand to its head and its mouth moved silently as it stared at the words floating before it. It reached out hesitantly, '_Sml. cld. afrid.'_

"Holy shit." His team said in awe as they watched the husk type.

Garrus grimly replied, _'Afraid?'_

_'s. it wntsss boy. wre boy?'_

_'Who is the boy?'_

_'mine. it wnts. wasntt taknnn?'_

_'I don't know. Where was the boy?'_

_'Hrzon.'_

_'I'm sorry. I don't remember a boy with the survivors.'_

It slumped against the glass and he could almost hear moaning through the vibrations as it clenched its fists and pounded on the glass, not angrily, but tragically desperate.

Garrus caught its attention with one waving hand, '_Why are you here?'_

_'wwt fr boy. larg wn sy wt'_

_'large one?'_

_'s'_ He was going to assume that meant yes. The thing with its burning green eyes watched him in abject misery. He really wanted to help it somehow, even if that meant killing it.

_'The Reapers? Are they the large ones?'_

_'no. thy gn out. it go 2.'_ He watched its lights dim and panicked, he might not get a second chance to ask it questions.

_'Wait, tell me where the Reapers went. Are they coming back? What did Shepard do?'_

The word 'Shepard' seemed to reverberate around the room and he realized he'd spoken aloud. His squad lifted their weapons, trying to pinpoint a target they could actually shoot, but there were only shadows here. Inside that room, however, it was a decidedly different story. The husk was glowing with a green light, lifting up in the air, eerily reminiscent of when Harbinger took over a collector and when it drifted down, there was frightful intelligence in those eyes that glowed with such fire. It watched him closely, and typed with one hand, '_The Reapers are gone. They will not return.'_

It placed one hand on the glass in front of him beseechingly and he watched in horror as it seemed to catch fire from within, the circuitry and wires melting into the desiccated flesh until all that was left was ash in the shape of a person, staring at him with an unreadable expression. He shuddered as a tingle of unease rolled up his spine. He slowly turned from the eerie sight and said in a voice that was perhaps not as steady as he'd like, "Let's get out of here."

They agreed wholeheartedly. After logging a report, he tried to put the incident behind him. But it nagged at him, 'large ones' what the hell were they? He needed answers, needed to think about it. He wondered if he'd been talking to a spirit in there, if that husk had actually remembered that it had been a person once. Painfully, he wondered if it was a man or woman, if the boy it was looking for had been a child, or a lover. So many tattered ends of lives still out there, it yanked at him. What horror if they were suddenly aware that they were husks now. It was a blessing that he'd only encountered one then. He didn't know what he'd do if there had been a whole base full of them, all milling about in the same directionless manner.

He lay back on his bunk as he thought, not realizing how heavy his eyelids had become. Sleep stole over him and he drifted away.

_He was walking through a tattered tunnel of metal, his breath inside his helmet heavy with something approaching panic. He had to think, had to clear his mind and all he heard was that damned radio chatter and the voice of the person he knew loved him, though he'd balked at the moment of truth like a coward. If he looked back, he knew he'd see two faces, helmeted and hidden, peering through the porthole of the airlock. He flipped off his comms with a shudder and let out a scream, high pitched in the darkness of his mask. They couldn't be allowed to see him break, in this umbilicus that threatened to drive him mad. It was open to space in so many places and he froze at the thought of flying off into the abyss, like he'd done once before. _

_His feet didn't want to move, his shriek had died down into little screamy gasps as he fought the shudders that quaked through him. They can't see, they can't see, the mask hid his fear and pain from them. How did he forget how to hide it? He used to do it all the time, didn't he? Or was that even a true memory? Reason was abandoning him, his nerves were shattering._

_Suddenly, a warm tendril of confidence caressed his brain, quelling the fever, and he knew it came from one of the ones behind. The taller one with the grey armor, the one he'd been too afraid to tell, the one who deserved better than him and his terrible purpose. Always giving him strength to do the impossible. And even now, as one foot fell in front of another, the impossible was achieved yet again._

It had been important, whatever he'd been dreaming about and he growled in frustration as the images defied his grasp. Garrus cradled his head in his hand and wished he'd thought to bring some alcohol out here with him. He swore as he got up and hit his head on a shelf above his bunk. He stumbled out into the common area of the ship, rooting around in the tiny galley for something, anything. Ambrosius snorted from his right and Garrus turned to see his whole crew watching him with amusement. He straightened, "Anyone got a beer?"

They laughed and he joined them at the table when Ambrosius held up a full bottle of ryncol, "This one's got your name all over it, boss."

He took a huge swig and gasped in relief as he felt the liquor burn in a fiery trail all the way down into his guts, "Spirits, I needed that."

They clapped him on the shoulder and the sounds of mirth rose around him as he took another drink, a warm lassitude settled over him and he almost remembered the dream then. It had something to do with her, no doubt. The anger was quiescent for now, so he could just think of her without the urge to kill something. Why had she lied? She could have just said she wanted him to live. Maybe she had an inkling that if he knew beforehand, he would still have found a way to join her. No, she lied, she broke her promise, that was all there was to it.

A few more drinks in and he was seriously thinking about maybe admitting to himself that he missed her...just a little. But his anger would have made it impossible to look at her if she were here. Not without violence erupting, he was sure. He stood abruptly, swaying a bit, "I'm gonna call it a night, fellas. We're headed back tomorrow into krogan territory, got a friend who needs me, good friend, he never let me down."

Aware he was rambling, he waved off their protests that he should stay and drink with them, insisting that he was taking the bottle with him, and because they loved him, they let him. He lay back on his bunk and drank alone, and forgot for a time that there was even a past or future. Just him and the drink, a partnership that ended as these things tended to do, him getting completely fucked up.

* * *

Mornings after strong drink were never fun. He opened his eyes in a slit, rolling them around to check for hostiles. He was in his bunk for once and had gotten pretty shitfaced if the throbbing in his head was any indication. He put the half empty bottle he'd been cradling carefully on the floor by his bed, in case it decided to explode or more likely, the sound of it touching the decking made his head split in two.

Drahm Korahn, his pilot, stuck his craggy face into his room, booming voice overloud in Garrus' ringing ears, "We're coming up on Tuchanka, boss."

"Shh, shh, quietly." He whispered, eyes scrunching shut, trying to stop his gorge from rising. He reached into a pocket and pulled out some meds, the headachey kind and used the ryncol to wash them down in a practiced motion all boozers learned. It all came back to him, the little rituals that got him through his days on Omega and he swore to drop the drink, once and for all. At least the heavy stuff. "Anyone in the head?"

"No. White might have used all the hot water though." A krogan trying to whisper is like an elcor trying to dance, he decided as he waved for silence.

A good vomit later and a couple more pills and he was starting to feel a bit more like himself, despite the cold shower he subjected himself to. White, the only human on his team and the only female, sat at the mess table with a datapad in her hand and a towel on her head. She was flipping a small knife in her hand, nimbly, "Boss."

"White. What are you reading there?" He sat at the table, pulling a pitcher of water to him and pouring himself a glass.

"The Art of War." She smiled a grim smile.

He returned it, "That's a good one."

"You've read it?" Genuine curiosity as her pale blue eyes darted to him from under her pale blonde bangs. She was petite with features that couldn't be called classically beautiful, but there was a certain depth to her that was refreshing. In addition to being one hell of a biotic. Garrus was sure she could give Kaidan a run for his money. And she understood, in that deep way that would make her a force to reckon with if she ever got to lead.

"There was a woman who served with me on the first Normandy who read a lot of books. She lent me a few." He steepled his hands in front of him as he thought, "With a title like that, how could I resist?"

A light grew in her eyes as she regarded him, "Shepard?"

He twitched in his seat at the mention of her name and had to take a moment to calm himself, he reminded the angry thing inside him that these people thought of her as a hero, they hadn't seen the truth, "No. Her name was Ashley Williams, she was the gunnery chief."

"The one who had a memorial on the Citadel? I'd walked by it, wondering who she was."

And thus were heroes forgotten, it was sad that in a handful of years, Ashley's sacrifice was eclipsed by the war, then Shepard's death, then the Restoration. It left a bitter taste in his mouth, "She was a hero, she fell on Virmire when we were chasing Saren."

White shook her head with a bark of laughter, "I can't believe how much stuff you've done, boss. Ever think of retiring?"

"As if they'd let me. I've lived my life for them, there will never be an end to it." Garrus watched her frown at him and chuffed, "No worries, White, it's a good life."

"Someday, I'd like to find a water world and live on a nice quiet beach. Modest house, maybe a pier to fish off of. No pirates or stupid mercs, just me and the ocean singing me to sleep at night." White's eyes grew unfocused as she thought about her dream. Then she seemed to realize he was watching her and grinned with embarrassment, "Silly, I know."

He put his hand over hers and said earnestly, "No, it's not. It's a good dream. I might steal it."

She laughed, "Plenty of water worlds out there. Anyway, I'm content to chase pirates and mercs for now, at least while it's fun."

"It can be fun." He said evenly, face inscrutable and she laughed again. "I'm...leaving the rim, White, I want you to take over this team for me."

"Sure, boss, but why? I thought you loved it out here." She eyed him critically.

"I love how uncomplicated it is." Garrus sat back, taking a drink of his water.

"Huh. Coordinating thirty strike teams is uncomplicated? I wonder what you'd consider complicated."

"You've no idea, but that's a story for another time. I'm going to divide the sectors up, so that they'll be easier to coordinate from here. I'll be out of touch sometimes and I know you guys know what to do. Just be safe, be cunning. Save lives, not ships or buildings." Garrus felt a pang in his heart for leaving, but there were so many other problems in his crosshairs. Problems that he could help with and he'd never been able to say no. Not even to save himself.

* * *

"You're word is as good as Shepard's, Garrus." Wrex slapped him on the back, not noticing the grimace that flitted over the turian's face. "Not that I ever doubted you. But_ look_ at this! Isn't it great!?"

He did look, saw the monumental statues of the past being unearthed reverently with new buildings springing up left and right. Tuchanka was fast losing its familiar piles of rubble and debris as the Restoration even found its way here. He saw workers of all races toiling away out there and wondered at it. The detachment of turian architects he'd sent were off to one side, heatedly discussing the plans for spaceports and tramways. He could imagine what they were yelling about, the turians would want function over frippery, while the krogan wanted big, overly embellished columns and arches and things. It would come together in the end, he knew.

He turned to his friend, "How's the family, Wrex?"

And like magic, he was suddenly surrounded by a swarm of small krogan bodies, all clinging to his arms and legs as he tried to extricate himself from them. He lifted one up and flung it into the air, catching it deftly as it screamed in glee. He straightened and rubbed the back of his neck at the sheer number of them, "All these are yours, Wrex?"

Wrex laughed uproariously, "No. Just my six. Kids, go away before the big, bad turian eats you."

Garrus made a show of baring his teeth and hissing, rolling his eyes comically, talons flexing as he took a threatening step forward. They screamed in delighted fear as they sped off and a smile tugged at his face as he watched them. Wrex pounded him on the back as he chortled, "You can have one if you want."

"Ha, very funny. Bring an infant to a firefight, stun the enemy with cuteness." Garrus turned back to the burgeoning cityscape before them, his imagination supplying him with visions of what it would look like complete. "It going to be great, Wrex. Tuchanka will rise."

"Yes it will. Now tell me about these colonies that your primarch wants." The krogan crossed his arms over his massive chest.

"A joint project, somewhere in turian space. Probably on a levo world, we'll have to fly in dextro supplies, but that's not a problem if we put it in a system with an established dextro colony." Garrus waved his hand, "A small step, maybe, to something grander."

"Or...it could set off a race war that will end in turians and krogan fighting again." Wrex grunted.

"That won't happen if we're careful. Pick the right people. It can happen, Wrex. It's so much harder to wage a war against someone whose face is as familiar as your own, whose kid goes to the same school as yours." Garrus put his hand on a nearby table as he thought, "The galaxy will only get smaller, we need to live with each other. And not just on some space station like the Citadel, we can't afford to stay isolated in our corners of the map."

"Alright alright, you've convinced me, who knew you were such a diplomat. A far cry from that boy who insulted me in an elevator once. You know how hard it was not to twist your head off? I showed great restraint."

"Don't I know it. I was such a naive idiot back then, still am sometimes." Garrus shook his head, "Where's Grunt in all this?"

"That kid,you know what he's doing? He's talking to the rachni." He returned Garrus' incredulous stare with a raised browplate, "Yeah, the fucking rachni. Apparently, they're pulling out of their few colonies and Grunt was curious. A curious krogan, what is the galaxy coming to."

"What do you mean, they're pulling out of their colonies?"

"They're just disappearing. Found whole burrows empty and no one seems to know where they're going. The only one that's still active is Ixtli, where the queen went after the Crucible was deployed. And that's where Grunt is right now." Wrex shook himself, "Fine by me if they all vanish. If I never have to see another rachni, it'll be too soon."

"Wrex, some turians say the same about krogan," he admonished quietly, "and humans. Don't be that narrowminded. The rachni helped, that's all that matters now."

The thought was disquieting. Disappearing colonies, it smacked of collector attacks, but all the collectors were dead. He looked up into the dusty sky, musing quietly, "I wonder..."

"Back to the point, Garrus, when are you going to train my guys? I been hearing about some of the stuff you're doing on the rim and I have to say, I'm impressed." Wrex barked a savage laugh, which caused many a head to turn to the two men.

"I impressed the great battlemaster Wrex? Hell must have frozen over." Garrus gestured for Wrex to follow him, "You have the personnel files I asked for?"

"Of course I do, though you know how hard it is to keep records here, on Tuchanka? They were just as likely to get shredded by friendly fire as they were to get blown up in one of our little interclan skirmishes."

"If you can vouch for them, that's good enough for me."

"Yeah, a sorrier group of miscreants and troublemakers I've never seen."

"Flexible minds, Wrex, flexible minds. And I prefer to think of the men I train as mischievous rascals."

Wrex laughed again, jowls shaking in his mirth, "You've learned how to do that alchemy well. Lead into gold. Shepard would be proud."

Garrus ignored the welling anger in him, it seemed to have died down somewhat in any case. Maybe someday it would disappear completely. He wasn't sure if he wanted that or not.


	3. Chapter 3

Rannoch was beautiful, still so untamed by the quarians that were industriously recolonizing it. It was odd to think of a _homeworld_ being recolonized, but that was the word for the main method they were employing. Prefab camps lay on the outskirts of major centers of construction. He watched swarms of geth climb over and under structures, methodically building the city that lay out before him. It was a marvel of engineering that was being built here.

He closed his eyes and imagined it, a city of living, breathing organics overlaid with a shining grid of servers to house the geth, like two cities existing in the same place. Garrus turned to Tali, who was watching him with amusement on her exposed face. How taken aback he'd been when he'd seen her at the rudimentary spaceport, without her mask. She was beautiful, they all were.

Lilac skin with light lines tracing the contours of her cheeks and chin, dark bluish hair wafted around her face under her hood. She'd smiled at his wonder and blushed. The mask was clipped to her belt, she was only able to go without for an hour a day without her system being overwhelmed. Garrus refrained from embracing her, not knowing if standard decontamination on the shuttle had been very effective and he had just been on Tuchanka. With krogan. Not exactly known to be the pinnacle of hygiene.

"Tali, it's amazing." He gestured to the undertaking on that hill before him, "And I thought Tuchanka was impressive."

"Wrex sent me holos, is it going well?"

"Yeah, it is. Spent the last few months there." Garrus scratched his fringe in thought, "How are things going here? Other than that, obviously."

He nodded toward the city and looked back down at the woman who'd come up next to him, she sighed, "It is going better than I had imagined it, Garrus and yet I'm so impatient to see it done and my people settled at last. Thank you by the way for those salarian agricultural teams, they're doing a good job integrating the turian grains into our ecosystem."

"You're welcome, it was the least the Dalatrass could do for the relief force I sent to her colonies. What do you have to eat around here? I'm starving and if I have to open another nutrient paste pouch, I'm going to kill someone."

Tali laughed and beckoned him inside her prefab house, a temporary situation she said. She pulled a glowing orb from her suit and placed it in an inactive geth that sat in a chair. It stood with a shake of its head and focused its eye on Garrus. Tali said in bright tones, "Kshanti, we have a guest."

In a voice that was smoothly feminine, the geth said, "Welcome, Garrus Vakarian. Creator Tali has told us about you."

Garrus took the hand that was offered, gingerly and shook it, "Um, hi, Kshanti was it? Pleased to meet you."

It even moved like a female as it went to the kitchen to help Tali prepare some food, hips swaying in imitation of Tali, he supposed. What glorious madness, he felt the fleeting hint of joy at the thought that they were evolving, too. Tali smiled at him, "Careful, Garrus that was almost a smile."

He wrinkled his nose at her, "What? I smile."

Her face said without words, _you used to smile, you mean._

_What do I have to smile about?_ He shot back with a look. She dropped her gaze from his and turned back to what she was doing. He watched the geth move around her fluidly, and she did the same, it was intriguing. "So, what's for dinner?"

"First harvest came in from the hydroponic farms, so...salad and fruit, mostly."

He spread his mandibles and opened his mouth, "Do these look like herbivore teeth, woman? Where's the meat?"

Kshanti, the geth, turned her head to Garrus, eyebrow flaps lifting in puzzlement, "We were given to understand that turians were omnivores."

"We are, some of us prefer proteins." Garrus said, with a tiny smile and a look at Tali, _see, I'm smiling. _

"There are some cold cuts in the fridge. And we have some cha we bought off that nice trader from Palaven, don't we, Kshanti?" Tali sat near him, with a platter of greens, bread and meat and assembled a sandwich for him and he took it from her with relish. Tali ducked her head, "I know it's not much, but it's all fresh."

"Tali, I was just teasing. This is great, actually. It's been four months since I had anything that didn't come out of a bag." Garrus polished off his sandwich with some cha, feeling almost peaceful in the simple act of eating with friends, "So, the geth and the quarians are getting along, obviously."

"Yes they are. It's strange, but it's almost turning into a symbiotic relationship between our people. We've almost all paired off. One integrated geth to one quarian." She took in his arched brow and said with a frown, "It's not sexual, you pervert. It just seemed...natural."

Kshanti said in even tones, "We calculated that it would be in our best interests if we gained perspective on an individual basis, with organics. There is still so much we do not understand. Observing Tali in her home was the next logical step."

Tali gasped, "So I'm just some kind of science experiment to you?"

"No, do not misinterpret. We...feel attachment to you. You are our friend." The geth clasped its hands in front of it and it reminded Garrus achingly of Legion, how awkward the geth had been at the beginning. "We were just a designation before you named us. Now we are separate, now we are Kshanti."

Tali smiled, clearly touched, "I think of you as a friend, too."

Garrus sipped his drink. The geth before him was separate from the geth in the collective. He wondered how long it took for a collection of programs to crystallize into one personality. Legion had only started using the pronoun 'I' just before he'd died. How long before all the geth were individuals, probably not long if they spent more time among the quarians.

Tali turned to him and said with wonder in her face, "Do you know they're building new bodies for themselves? Some of them are really beautiful, like art. Some of the shapes I don't understand, but it's wonderful."

"And choosing bodies that aren't based on us won't take you further away from understanding organics?" He asked the geth curiously. This was indeed fascinating.

"Most geth prefer the bipedal model, but consider; there are many beings not shaped like Creator Tali, like the hanar." The geth turned its face to Tali, "Alert, an hour has elapsed since you took your mask off. We must run diagnostics."

"Yes, mom." Tali put her mask back on, it hissed as the seals popped back into place and then she reached over and pulled that shining orb loose from the geth and placed it back in a socket made for it on her chest, right where her neck met her collarbones.

Garrus looked at her as she settled herself back and thought about it and the more he thought about it the more pleased he was that this was the direction it was taking. The quarians were giving the geth perspective, showing them what it meant to be alive and the geth, well the geth were giving them the world, showing them that they weren't isolated in their suits, that they could touch and feel without the censure of a wrecked immune system. How marvelous, how poetically apt.

"I've got a guest bedroom if you'd like to stay here." Tali said, breaking into his thoughts and he nodded, graciously.

"I'd like that. And tomorrow, you can show me these bodies the geth are building for themselves."

"Hey, I'm an admiral. Not a tour guide." She snapped in goodnatured ire. She crossed her arms over her chest and he mirrored her, with a smile tugging at his mandibles.

"I was just hoping a friend could show me around her planet, you know, all the fun spots, bars, clubs, museums, that sort of thing. In the name of race relations, of course." Garrus shrugged, "But if you want to make this a diplomatic incident, I can always leave..."

"You want to play dirty, I see. Good thing I cleared my schedule as soon as I heard you were headed this way." Tali laughed and stood, "I'll show you the room."

* * *

_It was cold, not that he could feel it through the armor but nevertheless he felt chilled to the bone. Trudging through the snow of this place, he espied the ship that crashed here, its supports thrusting into the sky like the ribs of some decayed titan. He'd found the helmet first, cracked and as his fingers ran over its familiar contours, he laughed a short bitter laugh. _

_What was he if not the person that used to wear it? The one inside said there was no difference, but a simple mirror showed just how shaky an assertion that was. Old face, new scars, old life, new troubles, but now he was alone. As alone on that ship that was a doppleganger to the one he was currently contemplating as he was here, not a single soul remained. They'd flown, gone before him into the blessed darkness. _

_He'd been allowed to touch it for only a moment and was yanked back, bereft. It was then he knew that it wasn't time, but it soon would be. A few steps to the right revealed a strand of metal with two stamped dogtags on it. Pressly, it said and his heart sank. The least he could do for the ones who died for him and his purpose was to gather up all that remained and each heavy step haunted him with ghosts of the past. Into the helmet with them, and he walked and walked, feeling like a phantom on this derelict ship, as though he were the one that was dead, while they were the ones who were alive, somewhere. _

_It was at a particularly bulky pile of snow that he felt the first whispers of warmth._

_A swipe of a hand revealed it, an armored relic that was amazingly intact. A yank at one door and it slid open with a screech. The inside was preserved, like a time capsule and he ran a hand over the decking in wonder. He hopped in nimbly, limbs light with elation and slid the door closed behind to block out the snow. After a moment to steel himself against what was surely going to be an arctic blast of air, he popped the seals on his helmet, pulling it off slowly. It was not as cold as feared, though his breath steamed on the air. He shook out his hair, too long for regulations now._

_In this place, he sat and remembered. Whispered words in the dark, the feel of smooth plates under his hands, and a rush of blood to places unregarded for a long long time. His face heated up with the memories and he passed cold gloves over his cheeks to cool them. He breathed deeply, trying to find the ghost of that other on the air, like leather and cinnamon, a combination that had always intrigued, distracted. But there was not a hint of it here, time must have erased it. Was that other dead? Where was he?_

_He sent the message for retrieval and stood with urgency, he had to find that person. In growing need, he paced, hands making impatient arcs through the air-_

"Garrus! Garrus, wake up." Someone was shaking him and he woke with a start, just glimpsing the fleeing images with his conscious mind and he opened his eyes to focus blearily on Tali's masked face.

"What, what I'm up."

_"_You were calling out in your sleep. Are you okay?" Tali settled back to sit on the edge of the bed.

"Yeah..." He swung his feet off the other side of the bed and put his head in his hands, then shot her a look of chagrin, "Did I wake you?"

"No, I was just getting up, and I wouldn't have bothered you if..." Tali was hesitant to continue.

"What, Tali, if what?"

"If it hadn't been so strange..." She ducked her head and he bade her go on with a wave of his hand, "You were calling out your own name, like you'd somehow lost...you."

"Really..." He tried to reconcile that with the images he'd been able to retain and shook his head in confusion. There were only bits and pieces and they were fast unraveling. "I was dreaming."

"About what?"

He shuddered involuntarily, "I..was somewhere cold and there were ghosts around me, or maybe just memories. It was...just a dream, Tali, just a dream."

"Do you dream like that often?"

"No. Yes. I don't know. I usually remember my dreams but lately, no, they run from me." He winced as he tried to wrack his brain, "It's almost like they're not mine."

"Shepard used to say the same thing." Tali started back as he swung an icy look at her, he swallowed back the anger and softened his gaze with effort. Tali put a hand on his arm, "Garrus, what happened to you? You used to laugh, and make stupid jokes and-"

"I don't want to talk about it, Tali." He closed his eyes so he wouldn't betray the rising rage in him. "I don't want to talk about it, or think about it."

"We all miss her-"

"No. Stop." His cold tone made her freeze where she was, he realized he was trembling under her hand and hated himself for being weak, whispering, "You wouldn't understand."

"I might."

He stood abruptly, voice distant, cool, "Thank you for your hospitality, Tali. I'm glad Rannoch is coming along so well, let me know if you need anything."

"Garrus," Her tone was angry and disappointed and he looked at her, his own opaque mask in place and she faltered, "You said if we need anything, you'd be there. But it's the same for us, we're here, Garrus, if you need us."

He felt shame trickle down his spine, warming his neck and he nearly broke then, told her everything and he fought the temptation away, they wouldn't understand, not in a million years. Shepard had left her mark on them, they were hers, even he was hers and as much as he'd like to slip his leash, he was stuck and oh how it burned.

Garrus turned from her and clenched his fist, "I'm okay, Tali. Really, I just need time."

Her voice was dubious as she replied, "You're welcome to come visit any time. I'll even play tour guide next time."

He sighed, wondering if he should just steer clear of the old crew, but no, he could no more do that than cut off his own arm. He would just have to endure this salt being rubbed in his wound, "Thank you, Tali."

And he left another world behind, he was starting to feel rootless. Staying in one place for too long seemed to kindle unwelcome memories, and it didn't help that the dreams kept coming. They were illusive, they were like smoke and he resolved to try to figure them out, if only so solving their mystery would give him peace.

* * *

He sat in the tree blind, the ancient rifle at his side as he rubbed his hands together to warm them, this wasn't even winter, Kaidan told him. It was only the tenth month in a twelve month cycle. Winter was still two months away and he shuddered at the thought of it. Turians don't like the cold and still he'd committed to coming here for the whole winter season. Why? Was he mad?

His comm sputtered and he cupped a hand over it to muffle its hiss, "Garrus, staying warm?"

"Not really, Alenko. I told you I don't like the cold, right?" Voice low, he scanned the forest below him for movement, for one of these 'elk' the human kept going on and on about.

"You did and then you insisted on not wearing your armor. Said you could handle a little fall weather." Kaidan laughed lightly and Garrus winced at how it cut through the clear air.

"You're going to scare all the elk away if you keep yammering away at my ear. Then I'll never get to come back to the cabin, where the nice, warm fire is."

"No way, Scars, if I bag one first, you can go back, tail tucked between your legs." The voice had an echo and Garrus looked down to see a smiling Vega looking up at him from the base of the tree.

Garrus rolled his eyes, "And there goes any chance at stealthiness."

"You sayin' I can't be sneaky? I snuck into my high school sweetheart's house alright, her parents were home and everything." The man snickered.

"And did you get caught?" He dropped lightly from the perch, landing with a soft thud in the soft grass.

"Maybe." James shrugged, a smirk on his face.

"Uh huh." Garrus looked around at the unspoiled wilderness of this part of Earth, Canada as Kaidan called it. Strange to think it had already been two years since he'd been on Earth, two years since Shepard died. The rage had yet to cool, probably because he still couldn't forget her. It plagued him that she was still a fixture in his head, still demanded his attention. She was infuriating, even postmortem. He took a deep breath and let the cool air fill his lungs, banking the fire at his center for now.

A shot rang out and Garrus ducked reflexively. He swung around to see Kaidan stomping through the leaves at his feet to the fallen corpse of some large animal, presumably an elk and sighed, exchanging a look with James, "Great. Now we'll never hear the end of it."

Kaidan's voice rolled out to them, "I can't believe you didn't see that bull, it was only forty feet away from you. Losing your touch, Vakarian?"

"Maybe if you let me use a visor, I would have spotted it on the thermals."

"That's not very sportsmanlike, Garrus."

"I thought the point was to have something to eat."

Kaidan reached down with a knife and slit the animal's throat, letting its crimson blood pool out onto the ground, "Hunting is an art."

_And I am a master._ Thane's cool, sandy voice rolled through his memory and he shivered, drawing a look from James, Garrus rubbed the back of his neck, "Just old ghosts."

"Ah, have a few of those floating around myself." James helped Kaidan gut the corpse, spilling its entrails onto a plastic sheet they'd brought for this purpose, "Some might even have the same face."

Garrus watched as the two men skinned and jointed the beast, wrapping the meat in neat parcels of easy to carry bundles. They left very little to nature. Kaidan stood back and huffed in satisfaction, "And that should get us through a couple weeks. Let's get out of here before the bears show up."

Garrus shouldered one of the burdens and said curiously, "What's a bear?"

James laughed, "Kinda like a krogan, but you can't make them go away by buying them a shot."

"Wow, why do you come up here again?" Said Garrus with an incredulous shake of his head.

They were marching up a hill and Kaidan stopped at the top and looked down into the valley that his cabin squatted in the middle of, at the edge of a crystal blue lake, the trees around it a riotous mix of red and orange leaves. He laughed, "Because of this."

Garrus was as deeply affected by the scenery as the two men at his side and sighed at the picture of peace that the little refuge promised.

Kaidan clapped him on the back, "You know what this means, I caught the food, so you guys decide who cooks and who cleans."

"I'll cook." Said James too quickly, making Kaidan laugh.

"Aw, why do I always have to clean? I don't even eat half of what you levos cook. Had to bring my own meals with me." Garrus groaned, goodnaturedly.

"We'd let you cook, Scars, but no one wants a repeat of the Paprika Incident of 2187." The two humans laughed as Garrus pretended to fume.

Yeah, it was going to be a great winter, worth any slight discomfiture caused by the mention of a certain woman's name.


	4. Chapter 4

"They're giving me the Normandy." Kaidan said to him one evening as they relaxed after a big dinner. He was using a pointy wooden stick on his teeth, aptly named a toothpick. Garrus was glad he didn't get food stuck in his teeth, they were spaced far enough apart that a deft flick of his tongue cleared away the debris of a meal.

"Congratulations, Kaidan." He said evenly, sincerely.

"Yeah, maybe you can find a berth for me once I graduate from N7 school." James sucked at his teeth loudly. Honestly, humans could be disgusting sometimes and he cringed at the sound of Vega burping. He couldn't recall any of the female humans ever doing that, so it must be a male thing.

"If you don't wash out." Kaidan leaned back and put his feet closer to the fire, next to Garrus'. "It's going to be weird not having Joker there though. Or EDI."

"Joker left the Normandy? Impossible, he loved that bird. He was planning on dying on that ship." Garrus leaned back on his elbows and listened to the howling blizzard outside. He was glad this little cabin was so well insulated.

"Well, unfortunately, the Alliance doesn't let their flagships house retirees, so out he went. They forced him to retire. Kicked up quite a fuss, I'm told." Kaidan closed his eyes, with a weary sigh. Garrus noticed faint lines on that young face and traces of grey at his temples. Their lives had made them old before their time. Kaidan said, softly, "He was never quite the same...after."

James snorted, "Were any of us?"

Garrus kept his silence, letting it speak for him. A long moment of quiet happened before he broke it with a sigh. "And EDI?"

Kaidan laughed, "She bought her freedom. The Alliance was none too pleased with losing the opportunity to take her apart and study her, I hear."

"What happened?"

James smiled, "Someone leaked what they were planning on doing. A geth dreadnought showed up with a whole team of volus lawyers demanding they free the 'sapient synthetic' that they had illegally incarcerated."

Good ol'Liara, using her Shadow Broker powers for good, he nodded, "And then?"

"When the Alliance squawked about how expensive replacing all that hardware was going to be, someone paid a ridiculous amount of creds for the entire AI Core." Kaidan laughed ruefully, "Before they'd even finished counting it, the whole AI Core had been removed and installed on a sleek tiny ship the likes of which I'd never seen. Kind of looked like a hawk or a falcon."

The human looked at Garrus knowingly, "Don't suppose you'd know anything about it, Vakarian? Don't make me invoke my Spectre status."

"Oh please like that even means anything without a council to back it up." Garrus looked sidelong at the man, "But friend to friend, I might know a little something about those _Raptors. _Oops, did I just let that slip out?"

"C'mon, Scars, spill it. Tell us a story, Uncle Garrus." James cajoled as he lay back on his back. Garrus regretted ever telling them that his sister had a kid and another on the way, and he relented with a sigh.

"Alright, alright, kiddies, gather round and I'll tell you a tale about pirates and mercenaries and the deadly little birds that devour them out on the rim." In grandest fashion, he told them about his boys out there fighting the good fight. The sorties he'd been in, the satisfaction he felt with each well executed plan. He was gratified to see the excited light in their eyes as he painted a picture of glorious battle for them in the air with his words and hands.

And, because it was still a mystery and he needed to talk it out with someone, he finished with the story of the husk he'd found.

They were silent in the wake of that one, thoughtful. Kaidan said, hesitantly, "And it told you the Reapers were gone for good."

"Yeah, basically." He waited for the verdict, watched the gears turning over in Kaidan's eyes.

James said in awe, "Holy shit, Shepard really did it, didn't she?"

Reluctantly, and only because the men were looking at him so plaintively, he said, with barely a flicker of anger, "She must have. It's been two years and no Reapers."

Kaidan's eyes shifted from puzzlement to concern, "Garrus, how are you, re-?"

"Who wants a beer?" James interrupted, leaping to his feet and running for the door, flinging it open to reveal a snowbank that covered the whole door frame and in it, they'd stuck beverages. It was like using the outdoors as a giant fridge.

"Toss me one, Vega." Garrus was grateful to the man for his timing and he saw from the slight dipping of his brow that he knew exactly what he'd done. Vega, who knew he could be so sensitive to his friend's moods and inclinations. Garrus caught the lightly thrown beer and popped the top, drinking it down with gusto. "Make that two."

The men laughed and he basked in their company, feeling almost normal. They drank and talked of harmless things for the rest of the night, until Garrus fell asleep right there in front of that fire, warm and limp.

* * *

_He watched from the corner, where he huddled in pain and misery. He hugged skinny scabby knees tighter as the one much loved dozed in the warmth of the fire. He'd just fought a desperate battle for his life against an enemy that had been born of him, long ago. Destroyed it at the cost of a not insignificant piece of himself. And now, he was here again, as much as it hurt to be here, he hurt more to be away from the being who used to burn with such light. That light was growing dimmer, he realized with alarm. It could not be. It should not be._

_It was all his fault, all of it. He would have to resort to drastic measures. He started planning and marshaling his forces._

Light in his eyes from the window, the blizzard that had raged for four weeks must be over and he sat up with a groan. A groan that got louder when he realized the fire was out and it was cold in here. Not that the humans seemed to mind, they sprawled to each side of him in typical human fashion, all spread out. He turned his head as he thought he caught movement in the corner of the room, but there was nothing there. A shiver rolled up his spine and he rubbed his neck.

He stood and sprinted to his small room, which was positively freezing and grabbed one of the five blankets on the cot. Wrapped it around himself as he set about rekindling the fire. In a few minutes there was a merry blaze in the grating again and he soaked up the warmth through his faceplates. Rumbling with contentment, he moved through the cabin, cleaning up the bottles that had migrated everywhere.

He heard the distant ping of his omnitool and went to get it, curious who would be calling him when he'd specifically asked to not be disturbed for these three months. He read the message and had to sit down, mind numb with shock. He read it again, just to make sure there was no mistake. Then he shut it off and sat some more, staring off into space. The powerful desire for a beer, or better yet, liquor rose in him and he stumbled out with unseemly haste to open the door. He didn't even care that he'd dropped his blanket as he pawed through the melting snow or heard the grumble of the two men behind him as the blast of cold air woke them rudely.

He found three bottles of dextro beer and closed the door, quietly. With slow steps, he made his way to the table, past two pairs of curious eyes. He sat and shuddered, popping the beers open with a talon and gulping them down in rapid succession. Then he sat and stared some more. Kaidan sat opposite of him, saying softly, "Starting a little early, don't you think, Garrus?"

"Not early enough, Alenko. It would have been nice to have had a buzz before I read that message."

With trepidation, the two humans exchanged a look and James said, "Uh, what did it say?"

The first full throated laugh he'd laughed in a long time burst from his throat, it had a manic edge and it was not a laugh of mirth, but of bitterness and he saw it make the men in front of him cringe at the harshness of it, "I'm the spirits-damned primarch."

He shook with suppressed anger and put his head in his hand, "I need a beer. Please tell me we have some more beer."

One was mercifully placed in front of him and he sipped at it eagerly, wishing for his metabolism to process it faster, he needed some numbness right about now. Kaidan put his hand on his shoulder, "That's a good thing, isn't it?"

"Yeah, I thought that was like winning the lottery for you guys." James said, trying to keep the mood light in his endearing way. Garrus loved and hated him for it.

He couldn't hold back another bark of terrifying laughter at that and barely wheezed out, "Oh, spirits, I see it now. Her purposes, her damned purposes. How eagerly I run the maze she made, how obliviously."

They eyed him with concern, Kaidan spoke in tones of reassurance, "We all know it was touch and go with you for awhile, but Shepard wouldn't want you to do anything...drastic."

"Suicide? You all thought I had suicide in mind? Don't make me laugh." As if he wanted to end up anywhere near her in the afterlife or anywhere else. He reeled back with the force of the tide of rage that swelled in him, threatening to drown him in bloody blue, and he said, barely more than a breath, "You don't get it. She promised..."

"What did she promise, Garrus?" Kaidan's voice, soft and pleading, his hand on the table between them, twitching. Garrus knew the man was trying to comfort him.

Garrus swallowed back the words and looked deep into Kaidan's frightened eyes, "We'll never be free."

A tense hour later and he was packed. He met them at the door and smiled for the first time in recent memory, genuine and sad. They looked relieved at his calm mien and he embraced them as the brothers they were, caught in this twisting fate together. Kaidan handed him the ancient Winchester, which he received with a pleased hum, "Thank you, Kaidan. What do I do when I run out of ammo?"

Kaidan laughed, "That's nearly ten pounds of steel, club them to death with it."

Garrus laughed with them, feeling lighter than he had in years. The pain would be back he was sure, even now it coiled under his thoughts, "I'm heading to the Citadel, apparently there's going to be some kind of dedication ceremony. I'm sure you'll be heading there shortly, Kaidan. Bring this troublemaker along."

He jabbed Vega in the chest and he pretended to be wounded, then the marine straightened with a grin, "I know you said laugh or scream, Garrus but if laughing means doing _that_, then maybe you should find a reason to need to do neither."

"James, if you ever get tired of the Alliance, or if this guy with the greasy mop," Garrus bumped Kaidan on the shoulder, "can't find a place for you, I'll take you. The Vagabonds are always hiring."

"Vakarian's Vagabonds, hmm?" James laughed at him with his eyes, but for once the name of the group of skilled people he'd put together didn't make him feel awkward.

"Damn right. It's better than the first name they came up with." He grinned, narrowly, waiting for one of them to take the bait.

Kaidan said, "And what was that?"

"It's classified as a state secret now." He flashed them a devilish smile and walked out into the snow, toward a waiting shuttle. He waved at the men who soon became dots as the vehicle took off, knowing he'd see them again soon.

* * *

Nostalgia, that was the word for this mess he was looking at right now. Whoever had headed the teams of architects that rebuilt this place had been told to put it all back exactly as it used to be. So here he was, gazing at what was supposed to be a symbol of a new era and it was a relic of the past instead. What a waste. He watched the ceremony with a cynical eye, saw the first investiture of the new council and thought about what it would take to take down this outmoded form of government. Not much right now, if he so chose, it could be done in a week, but was it really worth it? The galaxy didn't really need any more upheaval.

Reluctantly, he decided he might not do it. It was potentially deleterious to his long term goals, though it would usher in his short term goals nicely. In typical fashion, the first thing the council did was re-establish the Spectre Corps, whose members had actually shown up for this. He nodded to Kaidan, who smiled wryly back. And at the back, he spotted a familiar figure in black and gold and made his way over to Jondum Bau, who didn't seem at all at ease in this place that still stank of fresh paint, "Spectre Bau, how nice to see you again."

"Primarch Vakarian, the pleasure is all mine." The salarian was darting his gaze around, taking in all the new appointments, "I see congratulations are in order, on your recent promotion."

Garrus smiled in a way that didn't reach his eyes, said in a voice that would seem just pleasant conversation to any who were idly listening, "Well, assassination has a way of making space at the top, you see. Speaking of which, I'm told Victus was here on the Citadel when it happened."

"Indeed, his body was discovered by mechs in the keeper tunnels." Bau coughed into his palm.

"Bau, we should catch up. Sometime soon. Over some tea maybe?" He made his words pregnant with meaning and watched as the salarian nodded fractionally. He dropped his voice to almost inaudible levels, "How is Kasumi?"

Bau almost started in surprise but caught himself, almost mouthing the words, "She is safe."

"Purgatory. One hour." He shook the Spectre's hand in warm farewell, saying a bit loudly, "I'll look forward to your visit to Palaven."

Garrus left the bemused man and headed in Kaidan's direction, pausing to say a few words to people he knew. Kaidan watched his approach with a small smile on his lips, "Primarch."

"Spectre." He replied mildly. "I wonder if I might trouble you for a minute?"

"Of course, Primarch." Garrus led Kaidan to an out of the way place in the gathering, noting with a grimace that it was next to the Ashley Williams memorial. He put a hand out and touched the stone plinth gently. Kaidan echoed him, gloved hand resting on the marble momentarily. "So, what's up, Garrus?"

"Victus was assassinated on the Citadel. I have a suspicion that the council was involved." Garrus watched the human narrowly.

Kaidan chuffed and ran a hand through his hair, "That's a hefty accusation. What makes you believe that?"

"Thing about power. No one ever relinquishes it willingly. Victus was negotiating with the other races' leaders for a more permanent joining of governments." Garrus said softly, "If it's true, I won't have a choice but to rally the troops. I don't really want to baptize the new Citadel in blood. You see my dilemma."

"Christ, power plays already. I assume you want to take care of this quietly?" Kaidan sighed at his nod, then his eyes softened, "I'm sorry about your friend, Garrus. I seem to recall that you two spent quite a bit of time together while Victus was on the Normandy."

"He was a good man and he'll be sorely missed."

"Did he have family?" Kaidan's words of comfort caused a deep ache in him.

"No. He lost his wife and son. He was the last of his line." Garrus ducked his head, "The military was his family. You know, he didn't even want to be Primarch?"

"Seems a prerequisite for the job." Kaidan said wryly, waving his hand vaguely at the turian before him.

Garrus snorted, "I guess that's true. Maybe we should beware anyone who actually wants this kind of authority. Anyway, I'm headed to Purgatory, I hear it's booming already. Want to come with?"

"Yeah, sounds great. Lemme ping Vega, he's probably already there."

* * *

"So, we're getting the band back together. Nice." James lounged in the crowded bar and Garrus smiled at the small smirk on the human's face.

"Not quite, Vega." Kaidan said over his drink, his eyes flickered in recognition and Garrus turned his head fractionally to see what he was looking at. Bau skirted through the crowd almost skittishly and took a seat at their booth.

"Bau."

"Primarch. What can I do for you?" The man seemed resigned to whatever fate was in store for him and Garrus took pity.

"Tell me about Victus. I know you know something." Garrus let a tone of command fill his voice, watched it coil around the salarian in an almost visible tendril of power.

Bau darted glances around the bar and said, "I didn't want to come back, but they had some intel that put me in a...compromising position. Said they'd need loyal soldiers in the new order."

Blackmail made for weak loyalty. Garrus waved for him to continue, ordering the salarian a drink to help calm his nerves.

Bau gulped it back and winced, "This wasn't how it was supposed to be. We were supposed to help, not harm, not use our authority like this."

"What exactly do you mean, Bau?" Kaidan said smoothly, giving nothing away with his face.

"There are...splinter groups, factions, in all the governments. They don't want dissolution of the borders and they had their people high up to begin with. Victus was making them nervous with his meetings and speeches, so they had him scrubbed. And that's not all, other proponents of the unification have been blackbagged, taken who knows where. It goes to the top, Primarch. Maybe not the turian councilor, because they haven't decided whether or not he's in your pocket, but the asari and salarian councilors long for the glory days when they could act with impunity." Bau paused to drink another drink, "Fortunately, they didn't know that Victus took his cues from you. Which, if they realized it now, could make your safety a very tenuous thing indeed."

Garrus thought about it, hand idly scratching his chin. How best to handle this, "Bau...how many Spectres are loyal to the council? How many also long for these glory days?"

The salarian winced, "Little over half, the rest are unaware or indifferent."

"Kaidan, think you can suss them out? Find out if any are amenable to...change?" Garrus flicked a mandible in irritation, "I guess it was too much to hope that this bright new future of peace would last."

It was bitterly said and James snorted a laugh, "We won't let them ruin it, Scars, not those morons. The future hasn't even happened yet."

"Bau, I need the names of some of these faction leaders. Can you find them for me?" He smiled when the Spectres both nodded and closed his eyes, he felt so tired all of a sudden, the weight of this responsibility that he didn't ask for already taking its toll, damn her, "We must be subtle, there's no room for error. That we don't have to fight _all_ of the Spectres is a blessing, it would be good to have them on our side. But this can't stand, this abuse of authority."

"I agree." Bau smiled as he met the Primarch's gaze, "Kasumi said you'd know what to do. I'm glad she was right."

Garrus arched a brow plate, "So...where is she? Hiding around here somewhere?"

The salarian laughed, a light, free sound, "I have no idea. There was a...truce between us while the council was out of power."

"I bet." He said wryly, watching with fascination as the flesh around the salarian's eyes darkened, was that how they blushed? Interesting.

"I'm sure she is even now committing a third degree felony out there and once our business is done and the government is stable, I will resume chasing her." There was the flash of some deeper emotion in the man's eyes and Garrus admired the man his conviction, whatever his real motivation.

Garrus chuckled, "Maybe she'll let you catch her."

"Where's the fun in that?" Flippancy? From Bau? He must have been spending a lot of time with Kasumi. The Spectre stood fluidly and said, "You'll have the intel by the end of the week."

"Thank you, Jondum." Garrus exchanged amused looks with the other two men at his table as the broad shouldered figure of Bau disappeared into the crowd.

James laughed, "Well, now I've seen everything."

"Stranger things, indeed." Garrus caught a flash of red in the corner of his eye and swung his head around, heart thumping. An impossible thought occurred to him as he scanned the crowd. But no, it wasn't that thought made flesh. He espied a small child of indeterminate sex watching him solemnly from under red curls that blew around its face vehemently. Who brings a child to a bar? Just when he'd thought that something wasn't right, Kaidan's voice pulled his attention back to the table.

"A salarian human couple. Don't know how that works out, but to each his own. I'm taking off, Garrus got a lot of work to...catch up on." Kaidan squeezed past him to get out of the booth and walked away, followed by James, who muttered a farewell.

He waved them off and turned to look for that child again. But the stool it had been sitting on was vacant, a chill ran up his spine. He turned the memory over in his mind and realized with a shudder that there was no breeze here, none strong enough to ruffle hair in such a fashion. Was he hallucinating again? The days on Omega that seemed so far in the past had left him with many ghosts, but he didn't think he was coming unhinged. But then again, they say that crazy people don't know they're crazy.

He cursed his traitorous heart for its riotous clamor and left the bar, too. There was no respite from the work, there never would be.


	5. Chapter 5

Five years it took to finally root out the bastards that would have twisted the future to their own ends. Not that he was doing any different, but at least he tried to keep the people's best interest at heart. The former council had fled to the Terminus systems when they'd found that all their 'loyal' soldiers had been undermining them for months. And out there, nursing their wounds, they'd tried to retaliate in the only way they knew how. Building an army and armada out of the mercenaries that called the place home.

How blind they were, even now he shook his head at their hubris. The defacto leaders of the various Terminus systems hadn't taken kindly to these interlopers that were stealing all their resources. Really, it had been a favor to him that they did what no one else had been able to do. Unite the Terminus systems under the banner of one leader. He laughed to see who it was. Queen Aria, indeed. He wished her all the luck in the galaxy, really. She was going to need it if she thought administrating one station and a single network of smugglers, mercs and pirates was anything like leading a nation.

Five years of careful pruning in the governments that even now clamored for unification. He was stalling it for as long as he could. It seemed too soon, too hurried. A new council, made up of all the races represented by population was being considered. No more talk of 'worth' or 'proving your races' commitment to the galactic betterment', they all had to live here, they were all worthy. Though that philosophy came with its own tribulations. He didn't know what to do about the yahg, for example.

In his office, he sighed in frustration as he looked out over the Presidium. The petals of the station were open, so it must be day. They closed at night. The cycles were standardized, and he'd been charmed by the thought of it when it had been suggested. This place wasn't a weapon any more, or a relay, it was a flower spinning in the night of space, with the new council chamber at its center, on the pinnacle of its stigma. He'd been up there and stood in awe as it unfurled around him, humbling in its size and majesty. He wondered at the artfulness of it all, it was designed to make the people who were in charge of so many lives remember it in the immediacy of those millions' presence. Looking around, it would be hard to ignore.

The object of his frustration lay on his desk, blinking away at him in genuflecting orange, begging for his immediate attention. Seven years since she fell and only now do they think to cannonize her in memorial. He'd hoped they'd forgotten all about her, hoped they'd done what he'd never been able to do. He remembered when he first heard of the remarkable discovery on Earth, when a military installation long buried had finally been unearthed, how bitterness had chewed at his heart when he'd seen the stacks and stacks of paper he'd imagined had dots and squiggles all over being showcased in an interview, held in a reporter's triumphant hand.

And now, now there was no escaping it. A rush of orgiastic review from the artistic community as they realized that the author was none other than Commander Jane Shepard. Human music made a swinging comeback into public regard and now every person in the whole damn galaxy had at least one of her songs on their instaqueue. He couldn't go anywhere without hearing it, it was maddening.

What was worse was the feelings that hearing even a short snippet that arose in him. They tortured him sweetly and he loathed the feelings of longing and pain that she could still pull from him. He couldn't even lie to himself when he heard it, he missed her. Missed her so much. And he hated her with equal ferocity because he missed her.

At least the dreams seemed to have stopped for now, he thanked the spirits for their tender mercies. He picked up the datapad and scrolled through the agenda it suggested. Another ceremony, another empty box, it seemed so cheap. He wondered what she would have wanted, she'd said she wanted to be forgotten, well that plan was screwed to hell.

He sighed again and checked off on the authorization, making one change to move the memorial further away from his office, he didn't need it staring at him from the Presidium. He abruptly decided to go for a walk and left his luxuriously appointed office with its rather ostentatious view of the park, shaking his head at the embarrassment of riches they thought he wanted.

The walkways were made of some spongy material now, they'd really gone all out and he strolled casually, trying to ignore the security detail following him. He couldn't go anywhere alone any more, they remembered how they'd failed to protect the last Primarch. He was grateful, in a way, even as he resented it. The leaves of the branches overhead dappled his skin with shadow and he looked up, peering through the artificial sky to the sun they'd decided to put this thing in orbit around, not some cloudy nebula to hide it. Open, shameless, honest, the words that occurred to him when he'd suggested moving the Citadel to somewhere other than the Widow.

He felt it warm his faceplates and basked in the sensation. A voice startled him, "Garrus?"

His head whipped around to see a woman with red-gold hair and had to stop himself from gasping for just a moment, before the old ghosts fled before reality, "Dr. Michel?"

He nodded at the men blocking her way and they let her through. She walked up to him and stood awkwardly, not sure what the protocol was for greeting an old friend who'd suddenly gone up in the world. He smiled gently at her and she relaxed, "I'd heard you were on the Citadel, Garrus. How have you been?"

"Good, still getting used to it all. Don't think that'll ever change." He clasped her hand warmly and she pinked, just a little. Refreshing to be around someone who didn't use artifice and subterfuge, like the political monsters he'd had to deal with lately. "Glad to see you got off the station before the Reapers stole it away."

"A lot of people got away, thank God. But still so many were left behind." Sorrow tinged her eyes as she gazed back into the past, "We couldn't save everyone."

"No, we couldn't. But we did our best." He took a deep breath and exhaled, letting the peace of this place soothe his frayed nerves.

She said in a voice that was tentative at best, "I was wondering if...you'd like to have dinner with me sometime."

He shot her a look of surprise, then thought about it. How long had it been since he'd spent any time not unraveling the mysteries left by the Reapers, how long since he'd enjoyed a simple meal with a friend? He smiled as he looked back into the sky, "I think I'd like that, Chloe."

* * *

The restaurant was cool, but not uncomfortably so. The food was excellent, though he had a suspicion that they knew who he was and that was making them put forth an extra effort on his behalf. He wished that he had the luxury of anonymity, just once, just for a while. Dr. Michel commented on the tasteful decor in this room and he nodded agreement, she dutifully ignored the bodyguards at the next table, "So, you're Primarch now."

"Yeah, not as great as it sounds. Just gives them one target to shoot at, one head to aim for." He took a swig of the rather good wine they'd been served, "How are you liking the restoration of the hospital?"

"Oh, its amazing. I never thought I'd have so much state of the art equipment and its so much larger now. I hardly know what to do with such largesse." She laughed and he smiled at her, mandibles flicking in amusement.

"You'll find ways to use it all. There's always going to be injured people to look after." He looked away from the shine in her eyes. Other diners watched them surreptitiously and he wished that he had his visor to check for the tell tale energy signature of heatsinks on their persons, not that he worried about being attacked at all, he just liked a heads up if he had to kill people.

He froze as he felt a soft hand ghost over his scarred mandible and swiveled his eyes to his companion, who was looking at the skin with a frown of concentration on her face. This was rather more intimate than he'd expected and he swallowed reflexively. She tested the texture of the scar with probing fingers before saying, "You know, there have been quite a few advancements in dermal grafting since...whatever it was that happened there happened. Some kind of burn trauma, surely."

"A rocket." He said, his voice trembling slightly. The wine must be going to his head if he was considering...that. He wondered guiltily if she was soft, as soft as Shepard under his hands.

"I see. You must have had excellent medical care at the time if you survived."

"There was a salarian doctor, Mordin Solus, he patched me up. I was in a pretty bad way." He tried to consciously slow the quickened beating of his heart.

"The one who cured the genophage...?" Michel refocused her gaze on his and her cheeks reddened in a blush, her irises dilated as she said, "You know, I've always admired you."

He tried not to breathe in her feminine scent and failed. It was nothing like Shepard's, but it had a certain appeal, his mouth dried, "Have you?"

"I always thought you were...noble, like a knight errant." She leaned closer to him and he stayed utterly still as he watched her, not sure what to do. He rumbled involuntarily in his chest as she pulled his face down to hers. The first touch of her lips on his had him shuddering at the feeling, a thousand memories crashing through him. He was drowning, drowning in it and he pulled away with a gasp, heart racing in his chest.

He met her hurt gaze and felt a fool, "I'm-I'm sorry, Chloe. I-I can't..."

She stayed silent as he pulled himself back together and she reached for his hand as it lay clenched on the table, "It's okay, Garrus-"

"No, it's not. It's not fair...to you. I don't have a heart to give any more, it belongs to...someone..." He stammered, shame coursing its fiery trail through his body, "My heart is gone..."

A tear slipped down her cheek at this frank and painful admission. She smiled sadly to herself and said, "I guess we all lost something in the war."

He chuffed bitterly, _I didn't lose it. She stole it. _He rasped hoarsely, "I am sorry, Chloe."

She took in his pained expression with a thoughtful sweep of her eyes, and smiled winningly, "You are noble, Garrus. Don't forget that. Now...let us drink. To the fallen."

He raised his glass to chime musically with hers before drawing a huge quaff of it. The rest of the evening went smoothly, now that the pressure of her regard had turned to less...romantic intentions. He found that she was funny and brilliant in her field of work and that she knew Chakwas, very well. So there were a few stories to tell there.

He regretted that he wasn't able to...pursue anything with her. He hadn't even been left this avenue of comfort, another thing he'd lost.

The evening drew to a close with promises of drinks later. He'd promised to introduce her to some of the Normandy crew that were occasionally stationside, a promise he'd have to break as he read the latest message on his omnitool. It was from his sister, '_Come home.'_

That meant something had happened, something not good. He sent an apology to Chloe as he raced to his apartment to pack. Hell, he hadn't even really unpacked since the last time he'd traveled. Always one planet or another, he was truly rootless. He got his security detail to bring the car around and he hopped into it lightly, speeding for the spacedock and his private ship.

* * *

He looked down at the mound of fresh dirt, a twin to the moss covered one next to it and heaved a huge sigh. His father was dead, had died peacefully in his sleep. There had been no missed opportunities, he'd visited as often as he could, no bitter feelings of remorse. Gaius Iulius Vakarian, may he rest in the embrace of the spirits.

His sister and brother in law stood near, their bodies the very images of sorrow and he was sure it was mirrored in him. The children also stood by, sad as they clutched at each other for comfort. The oldest, Marcus, at seven already showing the lankiness that Garrus knew he saw in the mirror everyday, crooned to them softly. It struck him, poignantly and he ushered them into the house, with its fragrant blossoms that bounced gently in the breeze.

The other people who'd come to pay their respects were long gone, showing the typically turian trait of turning their gazes away to preserve the dignity of the people who were suffering. He was grateful that the few aliens that had showed up to offer their condolences had followed suit. The family needed space, maybe that was a universal trait, he hoped it was.

After the kids were in bed, he went back out to the garden, not minding for once how the rose and jasmine overwhelmed every other scent here. He sat in the shade of the tree where in his mind's eye, he saw his father and Thane meditating. He let his mind wander where it wished and it drifted to where he knew it would, but wished it wouldn't.

_Garrus turned to his bondmate, "Jane, this is my father, Gaius Iulius Vakarian, my sister, Solana and her bondmate, Cicero."_

_She stepped forward with a smile, "I am so pleased to finally meet you all. Garrus has told me so much about you."_

_His father rumbled, "Same here, Commander Shepard. Shame we cannot meet in person, I'd welcome you to the family properly."_

The memory stung, but not as much as the knowledge that his father would have loved her. Maybe he'd get to meet her now, in that place beyond the veil. He hoped his father gave her a sound talking to, in the way that had always cowed Garrus when he was a young man. He found himself smiling at the fanciful image and huffed in the night air, letting the fragrant breeze play over his face. Small pleasures, he still had. This and the light of the people around him, wherever they were, whatever they were doing.

* * *

_He saw three small shadows run along the ravine floor. They'd found this place after much exploring and played like they were assaulting a base full of bad guys, just like in the stories. It was perfect for it, with lots of trees and things to take cover behind. A tall one, a short one and a stout one. They laughed as they ran, shouting to each other, urging each other to greater acts of audacity, leaping and swinging from branches like wild animals. Which they were, wild and untamed away from the ones who protect with rules and other boringly endearing things._

_Oh, how brilliant they were to him as they attacked invisible enemies with skill inherent in their bones and in their schooling. Soon, too soon they would fly the nest, but for now he just exulted in their youth and jubilant exuberance. They played roughly and he was scared for them at times but they were immortals, in that primordial forest, young gods full of vigor._

_Their shapes were so different from one another, but the ties of family were stamped on each muddy, bloody face. Here was a truth, it never mattered what color the foil, only the heart that beat within it, the spark of consciousness that quested in those hearts for life and marvels. He shouted to the sky, show them wonders! They thirst for them!_

He ran his tongue around his dry mouth, eyes opening blearily in the morning light that shone threw the vines that covered his window. The things of his youth stared back at him somberly from walls and shelves as he gained his bearings. He remembered part of what he was dreaming about, but it was all mixed up in his head.

He'd been...running, felt light limbs slice through the air, a stick in his hand that he was pretending was a sword, an alien concept that was his sister's idea, but when he'd looked for her with mandibles flexed in a huge savage grin, it wasn't Sol there, but a round, hair covered head and past it, his brother, a large craggy shape in the twilight. He didn't have a brother. He puzzled it over as he pulled on clean clothes. Strange, now he was dreaming things of pure fantasy, at least he remembered some of this one. It had been full of melancholic joy.

He came into the kitchen and was assaulted by tiny, flying bodies. He endured their dragging weight as they swarmed up his body with tiny sharp talons as he opened the fridge and pulled out a pitcher of cold cha, poured himself a large glass and trudged under his burdens to the table where his sister and brother in law looked on with amusement, "Call off your savages, Sol."

"Kids." Her warning tone made the mad things she called children tumble off him and run outside in a stampede of chitinous elbows and sparkling eyes. Only Marcus walked slowly, sedately out in their wake.

Garrus sighed, "Why is it, whenever I'm around kids, they try to climb me like a tree?"

Cicero laughed, "It's because you're tall, you're easily mistaken for one."

"Just a little respect, that's all I ask. I am the Primarch, after all." He sipped his drink, looking at them over the rim of his cup.

"Not in this house, you're not. In this house, you're just ridiculous old Uncle Garrus, who can always be suckered out of a treat." Sol ate a slice of sweet bread, tilting her head as she watched them out the window thoughtfully, "I'm glad for them, that they can let go so easily."

"Me, too. Kids shouldn't dwell on the shitty things in life." Garrus leaned back.

Cicero said, "How long can you stay?"

"I've got time. I already missed the memorial ceremony, there are no other pressing matters that aren't taking care of themselves." He pretended not the notice the look that passed between Sol and Cicero. He sighed again, "It was just another empty box. She's not in there."

Sol cleared her throat nervously, knowing she was dancing into dangerous territory and Garrus steeled himself to endure more prying, "Still, maybe it would help you bury her in your heart if you bury her symbolically."

His voice came out cool, even if the words were anything but indifferent, "Do you think I haven't tried?"

There was a tense silence then, full of questions no well bred turian would ask and he was glad for it. He stood and gave them a wan smile that he in no way felt, "I'll be in the garden."

They waved him off with concern on their faces.

He sat in the usual spot, and meditated, mind blessedly empty for the moment. He wondered briefly if that was why Thane did this so often, spirits knew the man had demons. He heard approaching steps and opened his eyes in a slit to see Marcus plop down on the ground next to him. They sat in silence, the boy seemed in no rush to start a conversation so he just let them be still, in the shade of that tree. After a long while, his meditation was broken repeatedly by the sounds of shuffling to his left. He glanced at Marcus out of the corner of his eye, "Something on your mind?"

Marcus frowned, he was such a serious kid, "Dad says you know how to shoot."

"I know a thing or two." Garrus waited for more and almost smiled when the boy's impatience finally got the better of him.

"Can you show me?" Marcus seemed almost horrified by his own audacity and it did make Garrus chuckle a bit.

"What's your mom going to say?" Garrus said, straightening his back to pop it.

"I...haven't asked her."

"And why not?"

"She'll say no. She'll say I'm just a kid."

"And she'd be right." He forestalled the boy's protests with an upraised hand, "She'd be right..now. If you can show her you're not just a kid, then you might change her mind."

Marcus watched him with an eager light in his blue eyes, a stark contrast against his gold-ish plates, "How?"

"Stillness. When you can learn the discipline to be still, for however long it takes, you can learn the discipline to hold a gun." Garrus lifted a brow plate at the doubtful expression on the young turian's face, "Or...I could just sit here and you can go play with your brothers and sister."

He watched Marcus agonize over the decision, amused that the idea of holding still could be so anathema to a child. With a deep almost adult sigh of resignation, the boy sat in comfortable crosslegged fashion and closed his eyes.

And so they sat, Garrus listened to the boy breath as he meditated, heard when the boy tensed to move and force himself not to. He was a fast learner. After a couple hours, the kid was almost vibrating in his need to move and Garrus said, "Alright, that's enough for today."

With a shout, Marcus jumped to his feet and ran off, causing Garrus to snort in amusement. He stood, stretching out creaking joints and muscles, thinking about when he'd gotten old. Maybe being around these kids just made him feel old. Yeah, that was it surely. Cause he was still in his prime, definitely.

* * *

"Breathe." He admonished the boy, who kept holding his breath as he lay prone against the log. The shot went wide, missing the practice target by a whole meter. At these distances, it didn't take much deviation to botch a shot. "See what happens when you don't breathe?"

Three weeks was all it had taken for Marcus to learn stillness, a feat that was practically herculean for any child to learn. Garrus, after enduring a stern talking to from his sister about turning her son into a killer, had finally convinced her that it would be a practical skill come later years. It helped that the kid had looked at her so soulfully, his eyes huge in his head. Already cunning. Already devious. It was a winning trait and one that never failed to pull at Garrus' heartstrings.

The boy was brilliant, seemed to grasp everything Garrus had to say intuitively and Garrus relished teaching Marcus everything he knew. Well, maybe not everything, but enough for now. He'd had to go into town to purchase the lightest sniper rifle he could find and practice rounds and had, predictably, been mobbed by the people, who rarely got to see their Primarch any more. He'd put up with it, shook hands, talked with them for a time, before begging off with protests of work. He made a note to himself to set up a security detail around the house so the family would be safe, now that it was known that he was staying there.

His mind turned to the present as he watched Marcus load the weapon with ease, already a master of it and felt a spark of pride alight in his chest. He wondered if he'd had sons if they'd have been as brilliant and it started a trembling in his limbs that he stopped with a mental shove. It was now, he was here, that was all. The boy breathed softly, controlled, and squeezed the trigger and he watched with satisfaction as the head of the practice target flew off into the woods. He clapped Marcus on the back and the kid let out a whoop of victory, laughing.

Garrus smiled to hear one of the boy's rare laughs and said, "Alright. That's what I'm talking about. Did you feel the pull?"

"Yes, uncle." The kid looked at him with worshipful eyes and he squeezed his shoulder. Marcus frowned slightly, "What was it?'

"You tell me." Garrus waited in stillness for the boy to work it out. The gears were turning in his eyes, it was only a matter of time.

"Because..." And still he waited as Marcus got over his shyness, "The rifle is me."

"That's right. The rifle is you. You've put part of yourself in it, it has your spirit when it's in your hands and one day, Marcus, you'll make it dance." Garrus poured pure conviction into his voice and was gratified to see the gleam of excitement and wonder in Marcus' eyes, "Now go play. Boys must play and laugh and get into all sorts of trouble to the despair of their mothers."

Marcus solemnly pulled the visor off his head and handed it to his uncle before scooting off to find his siblings. Garrus turned it over in his hands, it was smaller than the standard model, he'd had it custom made like the one he used to own and he ran his thumb over the inner arch of it, his memory feeding him the sensation of the carved names of men and women long dead. He winced at the thought of what he'd done in a fit of pique, but no matter, nothing could erase the names from his soul, where they were just as indelibly carved.

He gathered up the rifle and the boxes of rounds and headed back to the house. As he crossed the threshold of the door, he sighed, somehow it didn't feel like home any more. He'd spent almost a month here now, far longer than he'd stayed in one place in a long while. Maybe it was the damned flowers or maybe it was that it was full of a new family's noise, he didn't know. He did know that soon it would be time to move on again. He cringed at the thought of going back to the Citadel, that wasn't home either.

He picked up his datapad and got to work. Things were going splendidly out there, in the cosmos, he hardly had to do a thing to keep it all spinning. There were still big decisions to make and he did, from here, it was easy enough to do it remotely.

Just as he was finishing, his sister walked into the room, her belly already showing that another kid was on its way, "Spirits, Sol, are you trying to build your own strike force? How many are you going to pop out?"

She laughed as she sat with him at the table, setting a box down in front of him, "Something came for you while you were out."

He eyed the box warily, "Scanned?"

"Of course, no bombs or incendiaries or anything." She talked as he unwrapped it, "Marcus is something, isn't he? I never thought he'd be so talented. Maybe he'll be better than you someday..."

She drifted off as she noticed his utter lack of movement, how very statuelike he'd become, "What is it?"

She was wrong, it was a bomb and it had detonated right inside his heart. He lifted the thing out, almost black with tarnished age, it's silvery gleam now absent, as absent as the person who used to wear it. He dragged in a shaky breath before turning it over in his hands. Chips of brownish red covered the loops and whorls of stone inlay. He knew it was her blood and he keened softly. Overwhelming, he was being overwhelmed. The realization did nothing to stop the agony that coursed through him.

Arms wrapped around him as he rocked back and forth, mumbling, "Why, Jane, why? If you loved me, why did you do this to me?"

Sol, who held him as he grieved, as he keened oh, so softly in pain, "What did she do?"

Rose and jasmine, filling his senses, he'd stopped noticing til now, til he was holding irrefutable evidence that she was dead. It filled his vision as he pulled it closer to his eyes. "I was supposed to die. We were supposed to go together, she promised."

Sol keened with him until he fell silent at last and pulled away from her, trying to find some dignity in his wreck of a soul. Sol sat next to him, saying softly, "I think if you were meant to die, you'd be dead."

He shot her a look of consternation and set the thing down in front of him, feeling like it burned his hands to hold it, "It's not that simple. If she'd wanted it, it was impossible to say no. I think even fate himself would have bowed to her."

"Hmm." She pulled out a handwritten sheaf of papers that was in the box, "There's more."

He unfolded it slowly, and laid all three sheets out in front of him. One was a letter, written in common, the other two were music, no title, though he didn't need a signature to know who wrote it. He read:

_Garrus,_

_Missed you at the memorial, understand that your father passed away. My condolences for your loss. You've lost so much, I thought you'd like to have this one thing back. We found it...well, you know where. Hope to see you around some time. I'm a dignitary now, and boy do I hate it, we should get together sometime and grouse about how shitty life can be. You know, just like old times._

_Your friend and drinking buddy, _

_Anderson_

_PS. Hackett says hi, we were retired together. Funny old universe... No, not funny._

Their kindnesses were so cruel. Garrus took a deep shuddering breath and considered the music that lay before him. Sol picked up a sheet and said curiously, "What is it?"

"Music. Human music. She wrote it." He debated what he should do with it. Burning it would be blasphemy, even as sore as his heart was, he couldn't do that. It would be a crime against the galaxy to take such a rare thing out of it. He folded it back up and put it in a pocket, then he turned to the other thing on the table. He didn't want to touch it again, "Sol, can you do something for me?"

"Sure, Garrus. What do you need?" She said with touching concern.

"I'm going to leave soon. Find somewhere without...memory." He met her gaze with his to let her know that he wasn't going to do something foolish, like airlock himself or anything, he nodded to the wristlet, "Can you bury that for me? In the garden there's a small mound where Kasumi buried Keiji, can you put it there?"

"Yes, but don't you want to do that yourself?"

"No, I'll not touch it again. I'm still too..." He waved his hand vaguely, unable to find a word for the vast gulf of hurt that was in him, "I'll send you the coordinates as soon as I settle on a place so you can come visit me when you can. I don't think I'll be coming back here."

She nodded in understanding, "Find your home, Garrus. And know that we love you."

"I love you, too. I love all of you." He stood and went to his room, not looking back at the sad thing on the table, that thing of broken dreams. He said goodbye to the kids, Marcus clung to him the hardest and it was difficult to leave knowing that he was hurting the boy who was so like himself.

"But you're leaving." It was an accusation that was staring him down from the eyes of the small turian in front of him, "I don't know nearly enough yet."

Garrus laughed gently, "You never will. I still don't know enough. Keep searching, Marcus, keep your eyes open. And don't worry, your mother will bring you to visit me sometimes and we can practice together. And hey, do me a favor."

"What?"

He hugged the boy to him, "Laugh more. It'll make you old before your time to be so dour all the time."

He got a frown for that but he laughed to cajole Marcus into a grin, who snarked, "Is that why you're so old?"

He ignored the pang in his chest, and shot back, "Probably. Give your mother hell for me."

And with that he left, to find a place out there for him and him alone.


	6. Chapter 6

It was a stolen dream, but one that filled him with satisfaction as he gazed out at the pounding surf at the foot of his beach. His beach, he was alone on this planet as far as he knew, might as well call it his planet. No, not as such. He was content to have this piece of it to himself. A house he'd had built for him was behind him, modest, but with enough rooms in it to accommodate if his family decided to show up, which he hoped they did. He'd sent messages to others as well, the ones who were family in spirit if not in name. A comms room was the only concession to civilization and was intrinsic to his busy schedule as primarch.

Quantum entanglement was bringing the people together in a way he hadn't foreseen, made instantaneous communication possible, maybe someday it would make instantaneous travel possible, too. There were already theories in the works, ones that would change everyone's fundamental understanding of how the universe worked. It continued to amaze him how innovative the various races could be when brought together. He saw in his mind an underlying design to it all almost. Like the universe wanted to be discovered.

He cleared his mind and just watched the waves as they crashed against the promontories that encircled this lagoon, with its blue, blue water. This was a fairly young planet, compared to the ones that had spawned the council races, it had only just started holding life in its arms. White had been right, it was indeed peaceful, the sound of the water moving in its natural rhythms did soothe the mind and soul.

The sand was blessedly hot on his bare feet as he scrunched it between his two toes and he walked out to the water, standing in it up to his waist and just felt the pull of the warm surf as it yanked at his mass, trying to pull him out to sea and push him back to shore alternately. Small pleasures, this he could live for. Well, that and the countless lives that had somehow come into his keeping. He still wasn't sure exactly when that had happened, but it gave him solace to know that there was someone looking out for all those people out there.

He turned his head at the sound of an approaching vehicle, noting that it was one of the Raptors, unembellished, its sleek shape still purely one of deadly intent. He had guests, might as well put some clothes on to greet them. He walked back into his house and pulled on some shorts over his soaked skin and plates. He was struggling with a loose shirt when a knock came at the front door. Once he was untangled, he opened the door smoothly and smiled.

Here were his friends and they greeted him with embraces and words of sweet wonder at his new abode. Javik held Liara around the waist like he was loathe to let go, and Joker and EDI wandered about his house with expressions of interest. Joker said in his usual snarky way, "Not what I expected for the primarch of the turian Heirarchy. I thought there'd be more...curtains and statues and things."

"I like to live simply. Too many luxuries and I'd get complacent." He gestured that they should sit at the round couch in the depressed bowl of his living room.

Javik barked a laugh, "You look pretty complacent to me, turian. One might say, relaxed."

Garrus shrugged, and looked at Liara's protruding belly, "I see you've been busy."

She had the grace to blush, looking at Javik to her right, who seemed full of paternal self satisfaction. Joker laughed at her bashfulness, their formidable Shadow Broker, who said with soft fondness, "My matron days have come early. A consequence of living among the shorter lived races."

"Still going to name the first one after me?" Garrus cajoled, mandibles flicking with amusement.

Javik snorted as EDI said, "Considering that the child will be female, perhaps that wouldn't be wise. Besides, Liara should name the first one after me."

Joker laughed, "Oh ho, a competition. You guys should fight for it."

"We shall name them strong prothean names." Javik smirked at the startled looks thrown his way and he put a hand over Liara's belly, "Twins."

Joker exclaimed, "That's great, Liara. Two bouncing baby girls. Good luck with that, Javik."

He did seem to have a glazed, almost nervous look to his four eyes for just a moment. Garrus hoped the prothean's paternal instinct had survived the societal devastation the long war with the Reapers was sure to have caused. Good thing he had Liara.

They talked well into the night, not of old ghosts but of the latest news out there in the cosmos. The disappearance of the Rachni, the theories circulating about why the Reapers left, the discoveries of new life on many planets that had previously been surveyed and found wanting. Garrus told them about the new laws about uplifting only species that had showed that they could master spaceflight and only with the new council's unanimous vote. It was pleasant to be around people who made no demands of him other than his company.

The moons rose over his tiny lagoon and he found himself sitting on the sand, looking out over his piece of ocean. The tide was out, pulled by the twin lunar bodies above. The house behind him was quiet, they'd gone to sleep...or so he thought as a shadow crossed over his face. Javik, wearing civvies no less, sat beside him on the beach, his head tilted as he listened to the water sing. The prothean sighed, "You have found a good place. It has no...imprints that jar my senses."

Garrus looked at the man out of the corner of his eye, "It's home."

"Home..." Javik picked up some sand in his palm and let it run out between his fingers. They sat in silence for a long while. Javik shot him a look, "I hear you are trying to build a new empire."

"Empire would imply that there is an emperor. There is no titular head to the thing we're trying to create." Garrus pulled his knees up and clasped his arms around them loosely, "I don't want them to lose the thing that makes them them. There's so much each race has to offer, it would be a shame for it to become a homogenized soup."

Javik nodded, "That is the mistake we made, in our cycle. It had become too uniform, we were unable to adapt."

"Stale cultures die, Javik." Garrus sighed in the wind, letting it caress his skin with its soft tendrils. He said to the being next to him, "Maybe you should start thinking of this cycle as your cycle. There's a lot the last prothean could contribute...and accomplish."

"I think if I decided to take a hand in your government, I would conquer it within a week. Better to watch." Javik smiled crookedly. Garrus mirrored him with a stretched mandible. The prothean said, with the tiniest arrogant sneer, "Besides, I have already contributed. Liara has written a book. I figure largely in it."

"I've read it. 'They used to eat flies'? Really, Javik?" Garrus snorted, "Not exactly ingratiating yourself to the salarians with soundbites like that."

Javik laughed wholeheartedly at that and it made the turian's mandibles twitch pleasantly at the sight. "I could have just gone to the hanar homeworld. They would have worshiped me as a god."

"Until they found out that you don't like to be touched, that it makes you all...jittery, shaky in the knees. Hard to preserve your divinity with that."

"True." The man admitted, stretching his legs out in front of him.

"Soooo..." Garrus said, cocking a brow ridge at the prothean, "Gonna be a dad. Scared?"

Javik huffed a negative, but his suddenly tense shoulders said otherwise, "I will handle this as well as I handle everything."

"I don't think you can use a lift grenade to change a diaper. Let alone two." Garrus hummed in amusement as his companion fell silent, clearly daunted. "You have Liara. You'll figure it out."

Javik turned his head to watch Garrus and the turian had a sense that the conversation was going into darker territory, "I am...sorry, Garrus. For your loss."

Garrus swallowed a lump in his throat, consciously unclenched his fists and said, "It's been eight years, Javik. It's an old wound now."

"But not a healed one."

Garrus shot him a look that brooked no meddling, "You and your keen sense of touch, no doubt."

"I can feel it from here. You are throwing off sparks of pain...and rage. You are angry at her." Garrus damned the uncanny ability the man possessed.

He gritted his teeth, "I am."

"I sensed in her when we joined a fear that this would happen, and her grief." Javik winced at the bright lance of pain he saw in Garrus' eyes. "I did not mean to cause you more pain."

"It's just, she knew as far back as that? As Rannoch? And she let me believe that I was-" He cut himself off from that train of thought before he really did get angry. Angry enough to start throwing punches. "You knew what she was going to do?"

"No, not really. It was not clear exactly what she planned to do, only that it had to be done." Javik shuddered as though a cold breeze had grazed him with icy fingers, "I have never felt such power. It was a deep well she had at her center, deep and dark and when I gazed into it..."

Javik took a deep, shaky breath before continuing, "...it gazed back at me. Aware."

"Leviathan..." Garrus whispered and shuddered himself at the image.

Javik said thoughtfully, "Did you ever wonder what it would be like to pit yourself against her? Not in spar, but fully, unreservedly?"

Garrus thought about it carefully and shook his head, "She would have obliterated me."

"I think not. If any of us had a chance to defeat her, I think it would have been you."

"You give me too much credit."

"You give yourself too little. I have seen what you have done, in the galaxy. It is a wonder. I shall continue to watch, my friend."

* * *

Most of them had come to visit at one time or another. His family of misfits. Most of the time, though, he was left to himself, in that empty house that brought him a measure of solace. Just him and the waves and the conscious forgetfulness. It was becoming easier to let it all go, or at least shove it all down into his subconscious. The dreams were coming with more frequency, their meaning still hidden in the fog at the edges of his mind.

He was just leaving the house after compiling testimonies from witnesses of a mysterious burst of static and light from a star near the center of the galaxy when he noticed a man on his beach, down by the water, with his back to the house. Something in the way the man held himself was familiar and as it clicked, he shouted, "Massani, you old merc. What the hell are you doing here?"

"Is that how you greet an old frie-Christ, what is that godawful thing you're wearing?" Zaeed exclaimed as he turned, catching sight of him.

Garrus looked down at his loose unbuttoned shirt with its huge gaudy flowers and dizzying colorful patterns, and said with chagrin, "It was a gift from Kaidan. Kind of an inside joke."

"Oh, I'm laughin', alright." Massani reached an arm out and they clasped each other's forearms warmly.

"Where's the yellow armor? Did you finally retire?" Garrus took in the man's faded grey fatigues. Not a single insignia anywhere so he couldn't tell who the merc was running with lately.

"Well, somebody screwed me out of my job and I figured I'd come thank the guy in person." Massani growled, pulling out a roll up from behind his ear. He lit it, squinting at Garrus through the smoke, "So thank you very much, you bastard."

"No way my guys are doing that good a job that enterprising fellows like you can't find work."

Zaeed shrugged, "It was getting harder finding something that was worth doing, that wouldn't leave a foul taste in my mouth, so I decided to throw in the towel. Find me a nice girl with discerning tastes and a place to put my feet up."

"Well, I might have discerning tastes, but I'm certainly no girl and while you can stay for as long as you like, this planet is dextro so it might put a damper on any permanent plans."

"You know I blame you and Shepard for this. I didn't have no scruples before our little trip to the collector base."

Garrus waited for the pain at the mention of her name and was almost sad at its absence. Maybe he was finally numb to it or it was gone, one of the two. "Would you like to come inside?"

"Maybe later. Right now, I like it better out here." Massani plopped down on the sand without ceremony and spat to one side before resuming his puffing on his cigarette. Garrus sat next to him, tucking his feet under him in a cross legged posture. Zaeed offered him a smoke, which he declined and the mercenary said with lifted brows, "Trying to quit this filthy habit?"

"One of many that I'm trying to quit." Garrus said darkly, and the merc laughed.

"You know what you need out here?" Zaeed said as he swept an arm out to the lagoon and the proud promontories flanking it. Garrus nodded for him to continue, which he did with a childlike smirk of glee, "A pier, for boats and fishing and things. Yeah, that would be brilliant. Maybe find out if there's any fish out there in all that, eh?"

Garrus chuffed in amusement, "Well, there are, but I don't think you want to meet them. I catch glimpses of huge shapes out there sometimes, I'm talking fifty meter long shapes that I can only see the top of."

"Really...that just makes it more fun." The speculative glint in the man's eye was endearing.

"Alright, Captain Ahab. You want to hunt a white whale, you gotta go to some other beach, don't mess mine up." Garrus said with a sigh of consternation. "And if you plan on going out past the reef, you're on your own. Turians aren't exactly known for being strong swimmers."

Massani raised a clenched fist and shook it at the ocean, which was impassive as he shouted with fervor, "From hell's heart I stab at thee; for hate's sake I spit my last breath at thee! Ye damned whale!"

"That's a bit harsh, isn't it? What'd my beach ever do to you? It's not like you've even been dismasted yet." He felt a grin tug at his mouth as the merc shot him a squinty, salty mariner's leer. "You should stick around for a couple days at least, I think Kaidan and James are coming soon."

"What, that foppish bloke on Horizon? I thought you didn't like the man."

"Things have changed, as they are wont to do. You'll like them, James almost has a fouler sense of humor than you."

"Sounds like a challenge. I'm up for it. Got some cards on my shuttle, we can play some Skyllian-Five." Zaeed followed him into the house, his voice a gravel filled sound of cheer, "And while we're waitin', you can tell me how I get recruited into your damned Vagabonds."

"No retirement?"

"If you can't beat'em, join'em. Also, I want to see the inside of one of those sweet formidable ships they're always tooling around in."

"Hmm, I think that can be arranged. But you're going to have to learn a whole new skillset."

"Oh yeah, like what?"

"Well, for one, _not_ killing people before you ask them questions."

"This might be harder than I thought." Garrus chuckled as Massani halted in mid stride, deep in thought, "Well, this old dog can learn new tricks."

* * *

"Looking good, Scars." Vega clapped him on the shoulder, a crooked smile on his face.

Garrus stuck his hand out for a vigorous handshake and said, "Ditto, Vega. See N7 school is treating you well."

"Graduated, now I'm certified. Look who I found loitering on your beach." James turned to a man walking up beside them and Garrus nodded to Kaidan, who nodded back.

"Massani! You ugly bastard! Come out here and meet some more of the family." Garrus called back into the house and the man in question appeared with a scowl on his face.

"I've met the one. The other seems promising. And you shouldn't have ought to said that about my dad. I knew who he was." Zaeed growled at him, good-naturedly prodding him in the chest with a finger.

Garrus retorted, "Legitimacy nuthin'. This oily bastard thinks he can take us for all we're worth at Skyllian-Five."

James said with a gleam in his eye, a man who was always up for games of chance, "Oh, really."

"Yeah, if you pups think you can try to cheat me out of my retirement money, you're in for a nasty surprise."

"I like this guy already, my money's on him in this dick measuring contest. You're finally in for it, Vega." Kaidan laughed as they put their things in their rooms.

"I'm stumped on nicknames for this guy, Scars is already taken." James laughed.

Massani shrugged, "My mum used to call me Pickle."

Kaidan laughed and James grinned, "Pickle it is, then. I like it, you seem a sour sort of guy."

"Don't let his gritty exterior fool you, he's a big softie." Garrus said, raising his hands defensively as the mercenary mimed a blow. "No, but really. Zaeed is probably one of the deadliest and most experienced mercenaries I've ever met, so be nice, I'm trying to convince him to come out of retirement to join the SpecOps out on the rim."

Pride salved, the man smirked and Garrus knew then that they would all get along very well. Very well indeed.

The morning was a delicate dance of four men nursing hangovers trying not to bump into each other or talk overloud. It would be amusing if the throbbing ache in his head would go away. No dreams, which was the only boon granted by the oblivion brought on by too many shots of liquor. He swore all over again to give up the hard stuff.

Zaeed and James had decided the best cure for their hangovers was a dip in the ocean and Garrus watched from the porch as the men splashed and swam like children. It was kinda heartwarming. Kaidan stood in his shadow and said, "This is a really nice place you have here."

"So I've been told." He said wryly, to the biotic's amusement.

"Are things...better?" Kaidan said, shifting awkwardly.

"Sometimes. I'm handling it." Garrus replied, noncommittally, "How are things on the Citadel?"

"Good, I think they're going to push for unification soon. The sooner the better, I say." Kaidan shrugged, tilting his head to enjoy the breeze. It ruffled his normally carefully coiffed hair, dropping it over his forehead in a comical swirl.

"You don't think it's too soon?" Garrus asked, curiously.

Kaidan considered him carefully, "What are you afraid will happen?"

"It can go so wrong, if we're not careful."

"And it can go wrong if you're too careful. You can't keep them from making mistakes, Garrus. They can't be sheltered, the galaxy is a harsh place."

Garrus' next protest was stalled when Kaidan continued, "I got something to show you. I haven't even showed the council yet."

"That's skirting the edge of the rules, Kaidan..."

"Hell, that's why they made me a Spectre, right? Gave me the right to use my authority how I see fit?" He beckoned for Garrus to follow as he went into the house, "Do you have a secure terminal?"

"In the comms room." Garrus led him into the circular chamber with its QE pad and keyed up the interface.

Kaidan pulled an OSD from his belt. He put into a dataslot and pecked at the keyboard for a moment, "You know how they sent us all out to search for the Reapers?"

"Yeah, I signed that order."

"Well, everybody assumed that they'd go back out past the rim, to dark space. Well, we got this from an asteroid surveying team near the core." Kaidan stood back as the recording started its playback.

It flickered on to show a starfield, no, a sunfield, so many suns clustered in the camera's field of vision. And right in the center of the fiery behemoths, the terror of all spacefaring races, a black hole, only visible because of the crowd of stars around it. It was sucking all their light away and in that corona, small black dots capered and twisted in the crushing gravity well. They spun in its mighty pull and the camera zoomed in and froze on one, it had a very distinct silhouette. Garrus let out the breath that he hadn't known he was holding in a little grunt of surprise, leaning closer to the floating image.

He reversed the footage to show the whole thing and calculated in his head how many of them there could be, it boggled the mind. Millions, maybe billions. They'd never gotten an accurate count of the Reapers, it could be all of them, or only a few, who knew. How to get a team in to investigate?

"It extends far enough out that if we send a small ship, we should be able to check it out." Only when Kaidan answered his question, did he realize he'd spoken aloud.

"Will we find answers? Or more questions?" Garrus said, his tone frustrated. It was maddening, the mysteries were piling up, and he had no answers. Everyone looked to him for answers and all he had to give were guesses. "Send the best once you alert the council."

"How do you know they'll want to send a team? They could just put it on the backburner."

Garrus clenched a fist, feeling his heart harden at the thought that they'd defy him, "Because I'll ask them to...nicely."

Kaidan gave him a sideways look before nodding.

* * *

_So close now to completion. He stood over that being who used to burn so magnificently and wept. Guilt tore at him as he watched the anima get torn at the edges by flickering black flames. It had to be soon or all would be lost. The one in the bed tossed fitfully and he laid a phantom hand on that fevered brow, wishing he could even feel it. The sleeping one who thought he was healed, but he'd only succeeded in tearing his heart partly out, it hung by a thread and once it was completely gone, the one who watched shuddered to think what would happen to the lights, all the brilliant lights. The temptation to control would soon be too much and cold pragmatism would eclipse compassion to the detriment of all._

_As he prepared to descend, he dreaded the pain that would follow, during and after. It was a thing that wasn't meant to happen, the thing he was about to do._


	7. Chapter 7

Kaidan had been right, he'd been too careful. And now, as he read the datapad that showed the numbers of casualties his mistake had caused, he draped a shaking hand over his burning eyes. The push for unification and his own obvious public reluctance had galvanized a xenophobic faction that was against dissolving the borders to react violently to fight it. If only they'd seceded peacefully, if only they hadn't started attacking other integrated colonies, then the tragedy of having to send the fleets to quell the rebellion wouldn't have been necessary. Sixteen worlds smoking cinders. His fault and what was even worse was he knew in his soul that he should be feeling worse than he did. His fault.

He sat in a short wooden chair looking out over the sun dappled water, the solar body behind him nearly on the horizon already and all the weariness from carrying this heavy burden alone settled over his limbs and he could no more move than fly. It was all going wrong. What was left to salvage? How had he failed them so terribly? There was a breaking point that he was fast approaching, he felt it. He drifted off into miserable, spiraling thoughts of self loathing.

His eyes shot open to see the moons above him, he must have fallen asleep. Something woke him, but what? Then, he realized it was silent, completely, utterly, eerily silent. The absence of sound even extended to his voice as he opened his mouth to ask, '_what in the name of all that's holy is happening?'_ Not muffled, just gone. The waves crashed silently, the wind blew silently, he started to panic as an overwhelming sense of weight entered the world. It was huge, this pressure from without and he buckled under it, knees colliding with the sand, hot against his plates.

His heart was racing, he could feel it flutter like a caged bird and he was breathing, it should have come to his ears as a shuddering, grating noise, but didn't and he quailed at the unnaturalness of it. And then there was light, light everywhere and a sphere of perfect smoothness drifted almost serenely down to the waves that licked at it tenderly. And he felt an enormous pulling toward that incandescent globe, which grew even brighter as he squinted into its heart. The sand around him vibrated and slid toward the water and he screamed soundlessly. He was assaulted brutally by the sense that something large was trying to contract upon itself to be small enough to be understood and it nearly fractured his mind with its magnitude.

In a burst of green light, the bubble popped and a figure floated there, burning with awful joy. It buffeted him cruelly, flinging him backwards to the beach, where he pulled himself back to his knees in a daze. He turned his face toward that thing that had descended to his sphere and wanted to tear his eyes out as he made out the curve of a familiar cheekbone, the blaze of an impossibly green eye. _What? How?_ All things he screamed into the silence, which he found out with dreadful realization was not silence at all, but some sound outside of his comprehension and hearing that drowned out the natural world.

She opened those carmine lips and waves of some vast, unknowable feeling washed over him. He felt something warm and liquid run down from his aural canals and from his nose and fell forward, awareness dimming to nothing. The light that pounded against his eyelids abated abruptly and he fell into darkness.

* * *

The tide had come in, caking his cheek in brine and he gasped out a breath as he started awake. The sun was hot on his back and he sat up slowly, looking around fearfully, fearful about what he wasn't quite sure. Had he dreamt it?

He reached up to his lip and pulled away a hand smeared with blue, not a dream then. The sand before him was covered in blue droplets, eroding away with the tide. Soon that evidence of the night's stupefying happenings would be gone. Fiercely, he held onto the memory. It wouldn't escape into the ether like the dreams kept doing. He wouldn't allow it.

Heavily, he sat in the chair at his back. Everywhere he looked he saw that there were changed things, the sand piled at the shore in ridges, the trees around the house bent toward the waves slightly. These things couldn't be explained away by a simple nightmare and he grasped at them desperately to remind himself that he hadn't gone mad after all. _What the hell had happened?_

He shook his head at the remembered terror of last night, heart beating rapidly in his chest. Had it really been her? How if she was dead? Questions and questions with no answers ran around his head, only the gut feeling that it was not going to be a one time occurrence. He ran into the house and into the comm room, in hurried tones he told his many assistants that he would be incommunicado for a while, to shunt all his duties to his second for a time and then he went to the bathroom to wash the blood from his face, the sand from his cheek and stare at himself in the mirror, hollowly.

And then he waited, in that chair on the beach. Waited for the impossible.

Three days later, three days of sitting motionless in that chair, and here he was, staring avidly out to the horizon where the pregnant moons were just beginning to rise portentously and saw something out in the water, some dark thing floating to shore, moving closer with every pulse of the current. It resolved itself into a body clad in rags, small and slight and with one last push of the waves, it was beached. The water threatened to drag it back out to sea and he watched as it raised one slim pale hand to claw at the sand.

What should he do? He slowly got up and approached the now still body that lay face down in the water, sputtering out water when the tide receded, struggling weakly as it advanced. He was nearly there and paused as the bright moons revealed red hair, shorn and matted in places. He watched her struggle there in the moonlight for a long time. Hesitantly, he reached out a hand to turn the woman over so she would stop that awful choking noise that tore at his sanity. He started as his fingers touched a solid surface, he had been so sure that his hand would pass through it.

The water pinked around her face as she coughed and he dragged her by her shoulders further up the beach, the wet sand sucking at his feet and he ended up half under her somehow, his arm cradled around her shoulders and as much as he fought it, his gaze was dragged down into that face, that hated, loved face and he just froze there, watching the blood pool at her lips and drip out onto the strand of beach. Watching her eyelids flutter as she fought for consciousness. His heart pounded, but his blood was cold, so cold, faced with the choice of saving her or just leaving her there.

"Shepard." His voice was a croak of tortured emotion, hardly recognizable to himself and her eyes opened for just a moment and locked onto his and his heart stopped in his chest as her hand, bloody and broken came up to touch his face. The corners of her lips curved up tremulously and then her whole body went slack, hand dropping to the sandy water. Her eyes rolled up into her head.

His hand, of its own volition, went to her neck to check for a pulse and he was sickened by the relief of finding one, weak and irregular. His hand lingered then on her chilled flesh and he was stricken by the awful temptation to_ squeeze. _It surely wouldn't take much to end it, to end her. And for one tiny breath, his hand tightened.

Garrus blinked and snatched his hand away, whatever he was, he wasn't a cold blooded murderer and his mind reeled with agony as the thought of sixteen dead worlds reared its ugly head. It couldn't be denied, he was a murderer, his was the will if not the hand that murdered thousands.

He picked her up, the limp, comatose body of a woman who should be dead and carried her into the house. He set her on a bed in one of the guest rooms, undressed her to get her out of those soaking clothes, saw horrendous wounds on her flesh, a slice on her leg, a gaping hole in her abdomen, a host of others. He left to get the medigel and to find some kind of calm, some measure of steadiness.

It took him twenty minutes to screw up his nerve enough to go back in there and he found her in the same position he left her, pale flesh too pale in the wan light of the moons. Impersonally, he treated her wounds and left her, fled back to the outside of the house, where he walked to and fro fretfully. The house seemed suddenly dangerous to him, not because it was, but because what it could mean to go back in there. Thoughts refused to manifest themselves clearly in his mind, only snippets, tidbits of fear and loathing and pain and the most horrifying of all, hope.

He beat them back savagely, snarling in his need to eradicate the maelstrom of emotions that threatened to tear his soul free of its tenuous mores. Garrus pummeled the sides of his head with his fists, whimpering with the tumult that had seized him. He looked down and saw that he was covered in red, garishly large swatches of it and his hands brushed away at it in a panic and he sputtered a short cry as he ran to the water. He used sand to scrub it away and collapsed on the turf at the water's edge and just sat, vacantly staring at the water that swept the beach clean of all traces.

* * *

Resentment, that was the feeling that had taken the forefront of his chaotically jumbled mind. Resentment that he could have no peace, not even in this place he'd made for himself. He'd never asked for this...miracle, if that was what it was. Just when he'd almost done it, almost exorcised her ghost from his flesh, she had the nerve to come back. It was galling and he felt his gorge rise at just the thought of seeing her, in there, in _his_ house.

He sat on his chair on the beach and raged, silently. He froze as he heard movement behind him and turned his face away as a blanket shrouded figure walked past him into the sun. He heard her pause along the beach and sigh. Unable to stop himself, he swung his gaze back around. Her hair was a corona of fire in the morning light, otherworldly in its brilliance. He squinted his eyes to it.

Shepard turned slowly on her heel and looked at him with abject wonder on her face, unmarred from the injuries of last night. He regarded her coldly, his heart thumping in a traitorous tattoo at the sight. Garrus hardened himself to her, made his gaze uncaring before her and she opened her mouth soundlessly. He saw her puzzlement at her inability to speak and was glad that that lying, silver tongue had failed her, glad it could no longer whip him into obedience.

She advanced on him and he held his ground, this was his place, he would not be cowed by her any more. She knelt at his feet and he stared with glacial aloofness into her gleaming green eyes that swam with guilt and fear. Her mouth kept opening and closing, made words he couldn't hear and he grew more and more restive in her presence, his tenuous control stretching thin.

Shepard, the thing that looked like Shepard anyway, dared reach for him, her palms up beseechingly. The next thing he knew, she had fallen to his blow, two long vicious slashes across her face and he stood above her, breath heaving, eyes rolling in fury. He watched her reach up to her bloody face and her shoulders trembled and his eyes shut tight against the sight of her weeping, reflexively. Surely, even he couldn't have done that, but memory fed him the feeling of his flesh smacking hers, the texture of her skin parting under his talons and he shook with grief. What had he done?

His eyes shot open and she was gone, just gone, the blanket lay alone on the ground loosely holding empty air. Garrus cast his gaze around wildly, but he knew that she was more than missing. She'd gone out of the world again.

He stood there for better part of the day, looking at the red blood that had dried on his talons before going into his house, empty of life again, even with him in it and sat in a dark room until the stress and the madness claimed his consciousness.

He woke with the realization that he'd thrown away a miracle like it was refuse, the events of the day before were crystal clear and they dug daggers of purest self hate into his heart. He rose stiffly, thinking that maybe today was the day that he'd finally eat a bullet. He stalked through the house and found the ancient rifle that had been a gift from a friend who surely would appreciate what he was about to do, if he knew the reason why. Shame coursed through him as he thought about the biotic and his unrequited love for Shepard. At least Garrus had had her for a time, had known her for the better parts of her lonely, tragic life. He'd never felt smaller.

He exited his house and immediately dropped the rifle and bullets to the ground in shock. She was there, out there by the water, it licked at her feet as she gazed out into the lagoon. He froze, relief mixing with agony. Then his eyes darted back to the rifle and the thought and temptation of whether he still had time to do it before she noticed him hit him hard, making him lurch awkwardly to snatch them up. He froze again as her eyes met his across the beach, her face as unmarred as the moment before he struck her.

Garrus dropped the rifle again in guilt and took a few hesitant steps toward her and she strode towards him, her steps sure and strong. She wore a white tunic that covered her from shoulder to mid thigh, its edges a metallic green color. Before her brilliance, he nearly fled but he had never been one to run from punishment, or recrimination and he stood, with as much strength as he could muster. He swallowed as she came within ten feet and stopped, his voice so shaky as he whispered, "You came back."

Sadly, she nodded, mute still, he could see in her eyes how much she wanted to speak and how it hurt her that she couldn't. He reached for her and she flinched, and he felt like he would break from the mortification that filled him at the sight of her shying away from the thought that he'd ever hurt her. He had, spirits knew he had, no matter that the proof was gone. His arms dropped uselessly and he hung his head in defeat, "Why?"

He wasn't really sure which 'why' it was, it didn't really matter because she couldn't answer anyway. She turned back to the water and her shoulders bowed in sorrow, there were no answers there. He sat because his legs refused to hold him any more. She turned at the sound of him dropping to the ground and he looked at her in awe, she was really here, "I'm...sorry."

Tears sprang into her eyes and she opened her mouth in a 'no' that he felt, if not heard. It pulled at him with a power akin to what he felt that night she first descended. He hid his face in his hands, despair filling all the cracks in his worn soul, and he said softly, "Will you stay?"

Warm, familiar hands, whole and mended, pulled his hands away and he looked up into her love filled countenance and felt so small, so petty in the face of it. She shook her head bleakly, gesturing around trying to convey...something, something intangible. Garrus tentatively pushed a stray lock out of her face, "Will you come back?"

She smiled gently, her eyes glistening with unshed tears and nodded. He sighed deeply, in relief and felt hope flicker in his weary heart, not the first time she'd had the power to do so and was grateful for tender mercies. He watched her closely as she walked away, toward the shore, trying to catch the moment when she vanished, but it slipped his net. One second she was there, the next she was gone, the pressure of her presence gone. He looked at her footprints in the sand to reassure himself that she had really been there.

He didn't know how long he sat there, but the distant pinging of his omnitool slowly intruded on his thoughts. They wouldn't call if it wasn't important and he got to his feet, a bit dazed and headed into the house, where the real world and his very real responsibilities clamored for his attention. Each step made his heart lighter until he almost knew what it meant to feel joy again. She would return, he would see her again. It was more than he'd ever dared or deserved to hope for.

Garrus flipped the comms on and watched the holographic image of Kaidan appear in the air before him, his voice falsely calm, "Hey, Kaidan, what's up?"


	8. Chapter 8

Apparently, 'sending the best' meant Joker and EDI in the Raptor that had been bought for them. They'd named her the Salome and she_ danced._ Nimble as her namesake, she flitted between those huge derelict giants with enviable ease. They avoided the outer event horizon of the black hole and just stayed in the ergosphere. Mass effect fields could shield them from this much gravity easily, and it helped that they had very little mass.

He'd insisted on coming himself. Had to see it in person. Looking out of the cockpit windows at the accretion disk made almost entirely of dead Reapers was a terrifying sight. He rumbled in confusion as he watched the Reaper husks get slowly chewed up and swallowed by that black nightmare out there. It was a mass grave for gods, every single one seemed more than just dead, they seemed empty, hollow. He said with awe, "Why? Why, oh why?"

Kaidan peered out at the mystery, with fearful wonder on his face, "I don't know, who can know? Unless you want to try to tow one of these back to Citadel space and see if we can find out something by taking it apart."

Garrus shuddered violently, "No. Somehow I don't think that would be wise. There are no answers here, as I feared. Only more questions."

EDI with her silvery eyes that glittered with human intelligence said, "It is statistically likely that this is the result of Shepard's actions on the Crucible. It is unclear though how it was accomplished. What could have the power to control all the Reapers?"

"Yes, the questions are piling up. How long do you think before they're all destroyed?" Garrus asked the AI, ignoring the warm flush at the mention of a certain woman's name. How different it all seemed now. He could actually feel the bitter knot of his heart loosening. It was painful, but good.

Joker spoke up from his comfortable leather chair, "We ran the numbers twice and best estimation is...about two years."

"That soon? There are so many out there still." His gaze was dragged back out to those spinning corpses.

"Given the assumption the concentration of Reapers was the same at the beginning as it is now, there were over four million. Now there are just under one." She tossed those monumental numbers out like their enormity was of no consequence. Garrus tried to wrap his mind around the sheer numbers of it all and failed. She continued, "And the closer the bulk of them are to each other, the faster they will get pulled into the event horizon."

Kaidan laughed dryly and every eye swung to him, "Trust Shepard to talk them into committing mass suicide."

Garrus chuckled, "She always was...convincing."

Joker shot him a look, "Was that...a joke...about Shepard? From dour old Primarch Vakarian no less."

Kaidan smiled as Garrus ducked his head, "Yeah, what's up with you? You seem...different."

It probably wouldn't be wise to bring up that a dead woman had been visiting him, they'd probably lock him up as a madman. Plus, a voice inside him told him that some miracles were best kept a secret, he didn't know enough yet. It was still too vast a puzzle, too unclear what it all meant. Garrus met their concerned eyes and smiled, a smile that held no bitterness in it whatsoever, "I'm just...it's getting better. I have hope. That, out there helps, means they really are gone."

Joker laughed, "It's good to see a little bit of the old Garrus again. We were all worried that you were turning into Javik."

Garrus chuffed in derision, "Got too few eyes for that and not nearly enough ego."

"I hear that." Kaidan said, then he clapped Garrus on the back and the turian felt the warmth of their companionship like a balm. They were like small hearth fires he'd denied himself the warmth of because he couldn't have a great roaring bonfire. It was humbling all over again that they even bothered to keep in touch with him. They must have seen something of this in his face because both EDI and Kaidan moved as if to embrace him.

Joker interrupted, "Hey, I like a group hug as much as the next guy, but could we maybe do it somewhere other than a clusterfuck of suns around a black hole with a metric shit ton of Reapers spinning around it?"

Garrus shook himself, "Yeah, take us home. We should blot out this part of the map, don't need any interested parties bringing back souvenirs. Pass the word, Alenko, this is a strict no fly zone. I'll have some of the fleet come to patrol it, long range scanners shouldn't alert them to what's really out here and no cruiser would come this close to a singularity."

Joker turned back to his monitors, tossing out a sardonic comment, "And...the Primarch's back. Yay."

They all laughed easily at this and Garrus felt lighter still, laughing with his friends. He'd forgotten how good it felt.

* * *

When his shuttle landed, he saw that he had another visitor. Shaved head, piercings, tattoos, Jack. What had almost made her unrecognizable was the uniform she was wearing. An Alliance uniform, straight and pressed, will wonders never cease. Garrus called to her, "Jack?"

She turned to him, a smile on her garishly red lips. Still liked the same rouge, he saw, "Garrus. Heard you had some nice new digs. Thought I'd come check it out."

He reached out and pulled her into an embrace, and was a tiny bit surprised when she let him. He stepped back and gestured at her clothes, "What's all this? Working for 'the man' now?"

"I love how awkwardly unhip you are. I'm in the Alliance Navy now, turns out they had a huge signing bonus for biotics." She shrugged and said with a touch of chagrin, "Qualified with flying colors, despite the numerous 'fuck you's' I had to pass out along the way. Funny old universe. You never know just what will happen."

"Yeah, our Jack...all grown up. It would bring a tear to my eye if I had those squishy tear duct things you humans have." He led her inside and grabbed two beers, one levo, one dextro for them and plopped down onto the couch. He watched her drink with gusto, downing half her beer in one long draw. She still had no restraint, he was gratified to see.

She shot him a look, "You look different without your visor. Probably make it hard to spot you in a crowd of turians now."

"Racist." He snorted, smiling to show he was kidding, "The height, the blue markings don't give it away?"

She grinned cheekily, "Meh, you all look the same. Just another dino."

"So, Jack, what have you been up to? Other than joining a cause, that is."

"Wouldn't be the first cause I joined." She snorted and leaned her head back and stroked her chin thoughtfully, something he'd seen Shepard do countless times. He suppressed a grin at how deeply they'd all been marked. "Let's see...ran with some Special Forces for a time, they talked me into getting the uniform. Then I trained a whole turian cabal on Palaven for a summer, that was fun, though I got tired of having to dance around the rules. You guys have so many rules."

"Yeah, I'm working on that." Garrus smiled at her and she laughed.

"Then, I met a guy and it's...going good. Haven't had to kill him yet anyway." Her face took on a glow as her eyes unfocused. A smile curved those deeply red lips.

"That's always a good sign." He nodded, sagely.

"Hmm. So you're primarch now, huh? What's that like?" She settled back and looked at him, her sandy boots propped up on his coffeetable.

"It's...difficult. There's so many decisions that could mean life or death for lots of people. I just had to make a tough call on some colonies out in the Caleston Rift." He took a deep swallow of his beer, still feeling the sting of all those dead colonies.

"I was there with the fleets. It got ugly, and then uglier when they started detonating planet killers on their own worlds and the ones they'd taken over." Jack looked pensive as she stared into space.

Garrus winced as his vivid imagination painted it in detail. A single point of detonation and the atmosphere catches fire, burning and burning until there's nothing left but a lifeless rock. He came back to himself to see Jack watching him closely. He cleared his throat, feeling guilt burn in his guts, "It was my fault. I should have backed the unification. I was just worried that it was too soon."

Jack said, "I figured you could use a friend, knowing how much of a big softie you are. No one blames you, Garrus, well not many anyway. How could you have known? Can't negotiate with terrorists anyway. They're fucking crazy."

"Says the woman who knows crazy." He chuckled then sobered, "I just...it's still hard to think that _my_ opinion counts for much, in the greater scheme of things, you know?"

"Well, get used to it, Vakarian. You're on more minds and hearts now than Shepard, except maybe her music. She's still got you trumped there." Jack smiled warmly at his startled expression. "I have her whole collection, it's beautiful. I learn something new every time I hear it. And you know what, I think that's how she'd want it. Let her be remembered for that alone, she deserves some respite."

"Yes she does." Garrus said with a small smile.

* * *

Over the course of the next few weeks, he waited for Shepard. She would visit, sometimes for hours, sometimes for minutes, like she needed a moment to gather herself before going out to do whatever it was she did out there. What was eerie was she never looked exactly the same, she appeared as a child once or twice, playing in the ocean of his beach, sometimes as a warrior, bloody from battle and weary and sometimes she just stood whole and hale, the closest to how he remembered her, red hair a halo of light around her head, face open in wonder as she took in the water, the promontories, the sand. And still in silence.

He still dared not touch her, this uncanny being that had the appearance of a long dead lover, fearful that the illusion would dissipate and he'd be alone again. She spoke silent words at him and he shook his head, not understanding. The sorrow in her eyes at his shyness and reticence was palpable, but it seemed he couldn't force himself to do more. And just watched her, with pain in his heart over his inability to understand, at his base ignorance of how this was even possible. Maybe it wasn't, she'd never had trouble defying the fates on that score before and he couldn't help but feel left behind each time she vanished.

But he waited, and watched, something must happen soon or he wouldn't be able to bear it any longer.

_A living sun, it burned with fierce passion, thoughts that moved slow and deep like glaciers trebled in the space around its corona. Its flares reached out to caress nearby planets lovingly, not knowing or understanding the devastation it left in the wake of its devotions. It worshiped the galaxy with far reaching senses, filled with wonder at how many lights there were out there, how many suns there were. It wondered if any were as it was, and lamented not being able to go find out. It's orbit was a prison, an arc that only brought it further away from some and not close enough to others. The first blossom of sorrow touched it, the first ever and it wept tears of fire and hydrogen as it spun its lonely course._

He gasped as the sensation of something profound touching his mind snapped, his eyes opened in the dark of his bedroom and his gaze immediately locked onto her face, above him in the dark, her eyes closed as their foreheads touched. Waves of love crashed through him with the contact and he realized with sharp clarity that it had never gone away, he had buried it but it had never left. He reached for her in the dark and she did not shy away as he feared, but melted into his embrace. Her skin was so soft, so solid as he tentatively stroked it, rumbling deep in his chest.

And below the smell of the sea, with its saltiness, he smelled her, his Jane, flowers and gun oil, it must have been ground into her soul to be a part of her now, in this incomprehensible form. He hungrily breathed it in and buried his face at her neck, keening softly in painful longing. Her hands stroked his face with equal passion and he felt a vibration on his flesh, felt her mouth open and close and knew she was speaking, wished he heard her. He'd missed her so much, now she was here and he hardly knew what to do about it.

Garrus realized she was nude when she straddled his waist with her long supple legs. Her hands ran over his sides and he groaned at the sensation, well remembered. His hands ended up in her hair and it seemed even more soft and liquid than memory led him to believe. Slowly, so slowly he wanted to scream, she inched down over his length, which had sprung from his carapace without his noticing. She leaned back, her head thrown back in ecstasy, eyes closed tightly. He caressed her waist, marveling all over again at how tiny it was, how his fingers and thumbs touched encircling it. Eagerly, he rediscovered every inch of her body as she moved above him, rocking gently back and forth.

Joy filled him, swift and deep and he became lost in the sight of her. He sat up to draw her back into his arms and held her as they rocked, in the dark, two halves of the same whole. He began to feel a draw on his spirit, deep inside and suddenly felt his hands on her flesh, as if his own palms were sliding against his own flesh, pleasantly rough against impossibly smooth. Felt the sensual scrape of talons over scalp as his own. The filling sensation of his own cock, fuller and more satisfying than any others' had left her, and so sweet and delicious in its foreign ridges and texture. Their senses entangled until they hardly knew where one began and the other ended, all building to a climax the likes of which he'd never known, compounded somehow, squared, no cubed in magnitude and in that perfect moment of blinding, all encompassing ecstasy, he almost heard her, almost understood the how of it all.

And then it was gone, his essences filled her, and it was enough to feel the solid weight of her in the circle of his arms, the scent of her in his nose and he shuddered, breathing into her ear, "I love you, Jane. I should have told you so many times, every time I saw you I should have told you."

Tears fell from her eyes as she smiled in perfect understanding and love and pushed him back down onto the bed, where she nestled herself in the crook of his arm and sighed, deeply and with elation, like an uncertainty had been exorcised with the exhalation of it. He clutched her tighter to him desperately hoping she wasn't planning on disappearing just yet and drifted away on a tide of joyful completion.

In the morning, she was gone. He'd half expected it, but it still hurt a bit to not see her face, feel her comforting presence as he woke. He lifted himself off the bed and made ready his daily ritual of shower, work, then basking in the heat of the day on the beach. He'd completed the first two quickly, with a spring in his step and paused at the door of his house, something was just on the edge of hearing and he opened the door to behold a vision, strange and beautiful.

There were serpents in his lagoon, huge writhing serpents with scales of brilliant azure and gold. They wove patterns in the air as they swam in the shallows. Shepard stood in their vast shadows and he panicked, thinking they were about to attack but no, they _bowed_ to her, their long snouts ruffling her hair as she reached out to touch each one with one slim pale hand. Teeth the length of his arm flashed in cavernous mouths as they roared and nipped each other. She waved them off as they turned back to sea. His heart thumped to see them dance in his waves, no, never his waves, theirs.

He approached her tentatively and she turned with the sun in her smile of wonder. She gestured to the receding giants as though to say_ 'Did you see?'_

He nodded carefully, unsure of the power that still coiled around her slim shoulders and she stepped into the circle of his arms, almost vibrating with joy. She looked into his eyes deeply and his heart skipped as her mouth opened, feeling a portentous shiver as her breath rolled out of her mouth in a hushed, "Garrus."


	9. Chapter 9

He reeled back mentally at the sound of her voice, it rushed through his senses like a river, washing away the last of his doubts of her very actual, very real presence. His arms pulled her closer and he rested his chin on top of her head, rumbling at himself. How had he forgotten this? How perfectly his body aligned with hers. He said in a voice low and full of awe, "You're like a god now."

She chuffed at his neck and pulled back to look at him in consternation, her mouth shaping words with difficulty, "There...are no...gods, Garrus."

He stared in wonder, feeling that there was some things that were just too big to understand and this, this fundamental rearranging of how he viewed the universe was a difficult one to follow. "What happened to you?"

Shepard shook her head and shaped words that weren't audible and she grimaced in frustration, making fists of her hands. He could see that she struggled with this inability to communicate exactly what she meant, she'd never had this difficulty before. She spoke with rueful disdain for her inadequacy, "Not...death. Changed."

He took her hand in his, drawing his talons lightly over her palm, feeling how solid it was and yet, there was also a sense that it was immaterial somehow. "I don't understand, but I see you here, impossible as it is. What were those serpents?"

"They want...mind. I can't...give." Her brows drew down, "Made...promise."

It reminded him painfully of the thing that had so destroyed him in London, her falseness concerning him and he stepped away with a wince. Her hand glided up to reach for him, but dropped in helplessness. He met her eyes with all the anguish that was the only thing she'd left him with, "Why did you leave me behind? The truth, Jane."

Her mouth worked, but no sound came out and she clenched her teeth in a rictus of self loathing, fists coming up to beat herself in the temples. Alarmed, he took her wrists in his hands to make her stop and she whimpered, her voice hoarse with emotion, "No..words yet. Learning...again."

Garrus let it go for now and turned his mind to something that she might be able to tell him, he watched her carefully as he asked, "What happened to the Reapers?"

She smiled softly and gestured vaguely in an expanding arc above her head, "They went...out."

Out, a word that seemed to carry significance in the way she said it that was lost on him and he shook his head at her, feeling small and ignorant. And being unable to help himself, he drawled, "What, like, for drinks? Afterlife must be crowded."

She tugged at his mandible with a laugh and he smiled, just glad to feel her warmth again. Hear her laugh again. Then she was gone again, in her inexplicable fashion and he heard something tickling the periphery of his awareness. Something almost musical.

* * *

The sound of children laughing was pleasantly adding a sense of peace to the day as he and his nephew lined up shots behind the house. Marcus was getting pretty good, Garrus was pretty sure that he hadn't been able to shoot as accurately at nine years of age, but then he'd had no tutor. He heard distant splashing and hoped that his sister was watching her kids out there in that lagoon that might or might not have big swimming snakes in it. He'd seen them once or twice since that episode with Shepard, they hovered at the edges almost nervously, for want of her presence.

Thankfully, there was no sign of them this week, the week his family had decided to come visit. It had become a tradition for them to arrive on the spring solstice, nevermind that this planet had a perennial summer, at least in the location he'd put his house, near the equator. His sister and brother in law took over the house as they usually did, cleaning and cooking for him despite his protests that he could take care of himself and that he didn't want to be a poor host by making his guests do all the work. They ignored him and he mused to himself that one was never an authority not to be questioned in one's own family.

Marcus waited patiently for his uncle to comment on the latest series of shots, aware that Garrus had drifted off in thought. Garrus shook himself and said with a warm smile, "Nine out of ten, not bad, not bad. You've been doing those exercises I taught you, right?"

His nephew frowned, "Of course, uncle. Though, I don't know why I have to do them. I don't need them to shoot well."

"Which tells me that you've neglected doing them once or twice." Garrus chuckled at the look of chagrin on Marcus' face, "It's okay. Break the rules sometimes, it's good to remember that you can. The exercises are for when your enemy gets too close for the sniper rifle, which, I'll tell you, will happen from time to time."

"But if I plan it right, that'll never happen." Marcus said, reproachfully.

"Chances are even if you plan for every foreseeable contingency, there will always be surprises on the battlefield. You have to have a plan B...and a plan C. Hell, plan up to F, if you can. Strategies have to stay fluid or they will shatter like brittle metal and then what do you have?" He prodded the boy, whose face was already losing its childish luster, whose fringe was already growing into glassy spikes. Soon he'd have to pick his markings, father or mother. Garrus hoped for the latter, but no turian would dare take this decision away from a child.

"Fuck all." Garrus laughed to hear the expletive from the somber boy, whose grim countenance broke into a wide grin at the sight of his dour old uncle laughing.

"That's right, fuck all. A whole lot of fuck all." He clapped the young man on the back, as he was now, only six years from joining the military and already so formidable. "Let's go see what your siblings are up to."

They stood as one and put away the rifles for now, there would be time later for practice. He watched the boy out of the corner of his eye as they walked around the house, feeling pride and joy at how straight those diminutive shoulders were and he bumped his nephew with an elbow, "Probably best not to use that word around your mom."

Marcus shot him a look that said, _Do you think I'm stupid? Of course not._

Sol stood at the water's edge and watched her children play in the shallows, admonishing them when they ventured out too far. Garrus stood beside her as Marcus ran into the waves with a shout, splashing his siblings, his visor a blinding circle in the sun. Sol laughed and turned to him, "You know, he doesn't even take it off to go to bed any more. Sound familiar?"

Garrus ducked his head and said with a sheepish grin, "Yeah, that visor was almost a part of me."

"Whatever happened to it?" She said curiously.

"It got...destroyed, after the war. While we were shipwrecked on that dirtball I told you about."

"Shame. You could always get another one."

"No, it was one of a kind. Had sentimental value." In his mind, he felt it under his hand, his fingers traced the names and with a cold shock of realization, he looked at his nephew. Would he be faced with such horrifying tribulations? He hoped not, he hoped for gentler times ahead and quailed at the thought of all the bad things that could happen. He noticed Sol glancing back at the house and said, "If you've got something to do, I can watch them."

She shot him a look of gratitude before scooting off. He smiled and turned to watch the kids play in the water, they were so brave. They challenged each other to go further, or faster and it was like he was watching a microcosm that was an analog to the greater scheme of the galaxy. They strove and it gladdened him to no small degree to see it.

After some time, they finally tired of the ocean and came to sit with him on the beach and he showed them how to shape the sand into castles and fortifications and they played war in the twilight of the evening, using rocks for units. His niece, Damalia tugged at his shirt, it was the gaudy one from Hawaii, and said, "Who's the lady?"

He shot a look around and didn't see Shepard, but one of his other nephews, Paulus pointed up past him. Garrus turned and saw a white dot in the far distance, looking down from the south promontory and smiled. Marcus looked and blinked, Garrus knew he was tightening the magnification on his visor, and the young turian said in surprise, "She's a human."

Garrus rubbed the back of his neck as he looked into five pairs of curious eyes, saying with a reluctance born of uncertainty, "She's the spirit of this place."

"A spirit?" The youngest, Lucia, asked, eyes huge metallic grey mirrors in her face and he saw himself in them, an old soldier with too many stories. He saw how they hung on his every word. How to decide what to say and what not to say?

He sighed, "Can you keep a secret, kids?"

They all nodded vigorously and he smiled at their earnest expressions, "Good, because you wouldn't want to worry your mom and dad, would you? They worry enough, don't they."

This was met with more nods and a touch of expectant impatience. He looked into their eyes as he spoke, "Her name is Jane and she's the spirit of war."

They gasped, shooting looks at that far figure and Marcus said thoughtfully, "Jane...Like the Shepard."

Garrus frowned, '_the'_ Shepard, it boded ill to start putting 'the' in front of things, it sounded cult-ish. "Shepard was a woman, mortal, like you and me."

Suitably reprimanded, Marcus ducked his head, but Damalia said, her eyes keenly insightful, pointing toward that jutting promontory, "_Is_ that the Shepard, though?"

"You know how there's that part of you that watches? A part that's bigger somehow?" Garrus saw them think it through. Marcus nodded almost immediately and he closed his eyes as he said, "Well, I think that that is the part of her that watched, protected."

They grew silent and still at this, every eye half closed in thought. He continued in hushed tones, "Every one of us is more than the sum of our parts. That out there that you see, she is one of us, just the same as all of us. And she wouldn't want to be worshiped. Don't let her be."

Marcus hummed in assent, "Because it would be a...uh..."

He knew the word the boy was searching for and Garrus nodded, "An injustice. That's right."

They smiled in understanding and he looked into every brilliant face, faces filled with dreams and knew that they were all greater for having been delivered this truth and it humbled him that he was the one to do so. Who was_ lucky_ enough to do so.

Marcus grunted in surprise, "She's gone."

Garrus laughed to see the astonishment on his nephews' and nieces' faces, "Yeah, she does that. And now, kiddies, to dinner and then bed and remember about your promise."

They all groaned and muttered assent, clambering over each other to get inside the house and with one last longing look at the promontory, he followed.

* * *

He slept in the quiet house, empty of loving relatives and good friends, his heart feeling a peace it hadn't known for many a year when a sound intruded upon his pleasant reverie. It caught at his mind seductively and he woke with a start, curious as to what uncanny event he was to witness now. He dressed quickly, almost eagerly and left the house by the front door. There was quiet, not the crushing silence that had heralded Shepard's arrival, but a hush as though the world was holding its breath in anticipation.

Shepard stood thigh deep in the surf, her hair catching the light of the moons in a fiery glitter and he saw before her kneeling on the sand, the bowed shoulders of a familiar red leather clad asari. He strode toward them, tilting his head to listen as some sort of music filled the air, just out of conscious hearing. The two women were talking in low tones, he saw that Shepard was weeping gentle tears that were in contrast to her sweet smile as she looked down upon her friend.

"Please, an end. I can't bear it any more." Samara's smooth tones had a weary, broken edge to them, she lifted her palms in entreaty. "My daughters, my beautiful daughters..."

"For you, anything." Shepard's soft voice had the undertones of monumental power in them that almost made his knees buckle and he watched her slim hands touch Samara's shoulders and some indescribable thing happened in a flash of emerald light and the suddenly empty body of the justicar slumped to the ground. Garrus was buffeted by the sensation of something unfurling, something like that globe that delivered Shepard to him. An invisible sense of vastness reaching out and out in newfound wonder.

He was then overcome by a sharp sense of reluctance as the presence turned its attention back to them, like it wanted to leave, but felt that it shouldn't and Shepard, face to the moons said in soft, but ringing tones, "No. Go find it."

With a soundless shout of exultation, the sensation of its presence abrupty disappeared, as swift as a thunderclap, the supernaturalness of it drained from the world, until all that was left on that beach was Shepard and Garrus, and the rapidly cooling body that used to house Samara. He approached hesitantly as Shepard turned to face the horizon past all the moonlit water, saw her shoulders quake and wrapped her in an embrace. He rumbled against her ear, "Samara's gone."

"Yes. She's gone." Shepard put her warm hands, the hands that had just killed her friend, upon his arms and he shuddered at the feeling of something unknowable writhing just under the skin of her palms.

"Is she a spirit like you now?" He nuzzled her hair, trying to comfort her.

"No, Garrus." She sighed, with a touch of grief and some other emotion he wasn't able to discern, "Spirits are the ones who stay."

"I thought you said there are no gods." He squeezed her tighter for a moment, her solidity comforting.

"There are none. There are beings..." Shepard gestured to try to illustrate what she meant, but words failed her again and she sighed, "...but they are not infallible. Far from it."

"Are there many?" He asked, wondering if they had a surplus of gods on hand he hadn't been aware of, if so where were they when they were needed most?

She smiled sadly, he could see it in the curve of her cheek, her words came as a whisper, "No. Once, but now there's just me. Just one to carry the spark."

He huffed in mock exasperation, ruffling that gloriously soft hair that drifted down to tickle his mandible, "I see that death made you cryptic."

She laughed, "There is no death, Garrus. Only change, only magnitudes of existence, greater and lesser spheres and each one as true and valid as anything could be."

He stilled as he mulled this over, he realized that he was probably the only person in existence, well, in this sphere anyway, who was privy to the secrets of the universe, and he caught her eye with a mischievous grin, "So what's the meaning of life?"

She laughed, "You always did want the answer to the tough ones, didn't you?"

He reveled in her laughter and chuckled, "The difficult things are the only ones worth doing. You know that."

They stood in comfortable silence, the waves lapping at their legs gently. He saw serpents dancing on the horizon, they'd made it their nightly ritual to come beg her audience whenever she was there and she made a noise of sympathy for the titans who swam in their blue oceans. He said quietly, "What did you mean by they wanted...mind?"

She stayed silent for a long time, uncertainty in the set of her shoulders, "Consciousness is a gift that all beings of a certain...magnitude want. A gift I can give, if I was free to."

"And why aren't you free?" He goaded her gently and she stiffened in his arms.

"Because...I swore not to. Not until it was time." She reached out to those beasts that aspired to become more than beasts and he felt a pull from her and heard an answering roar from the serpents past the reef. "There is no giving without losing and I can't afford to be too generous or there'll be nothing left. Nothing to hold back-"

She stopped herself and beseeched him with her eyes for respite and he swallowed the lump that was in his throat, he caught her gaze as he spoke the question that was above all others in his mind, "Why did you lie to me? Why did you leave me behind?"

She turned swiftly and cupped his face with her hands, "Your song wasn't finished. Keeping my promise to you had greater consequences to me than even this. And I was too selfish to sacrifice you to my purposes. Purposes that I didn't understand fully then."

"And now? Was it a mistake?" He begged her with his eyes to tell him yes, that she would have wanted him to join her in this new existence.

"No. Even had I known, I would have made the same choice." She watched her words devastate him and tears flowed down from her eyes. "And if things hadn't changed for the worst, I never would have come back."

It was brutal, but true and he shook with suppressed emotion, feeling the ghost of his terrible rage rise within him and he said, voice shaky with bitterness, "Then why did you?"

She wiped her eyes with the palms of both her hands and he stepped away from her, not trusting himself to be calm with her so close. She whispered, "For you, always for you. You were dimming, your light was diminishing and it was all my fault. I am cruel to have used you so. For not being true. Your heart was something I hurt so badly. I was a poor custodian of it."

Her gaze was drawn to his wrist and she winced with pain and anger that was turned inward. He rocked on his feet, swaying from the tides of conflict within him and he said hoarsely, "I burned it."

"I saw." So short a response, but he could see how it tore at her and his heart ached within him at the thought of her witnessing that act of hate so long ago now.

How had they come to this? After all they'd been through together, it had been so treacherously easy for complete and utter devotion and love to turn to bitterness and hate. The realization rocked him, it was furious, the passion they'd shared. And because it had been so passionate a feeling of love, the lack of it had been just as passionate. Love and hate, they were twins with the same temperament. It was hard to tell them apart from a distance. They _consumed._

He shuddered in the passing of it over his skin, the hate he used to harbor for her and willed it away, the stubborn devil that had stolen into his flesh. Shepard watched him struggle, almost helplessly, and opened her mouth. He held up his hand, and begged in a small tight voice, "Please, no more...revelations, for now. It's too much."

She nodded understanding, tears falling with each dip of her head and she made to step away. Garrus lunged out and grabbed her wrist, pulling her to him fiercely, and pressed his mouthplates over her lips, felt her gasp in surprise and rumbled at her in tormented love. She melted against him, arms coming around to hold him to her tightly, clinging desperately to him even as she slowly de-materialized, leaving him with an armful of air and the lingering heat of her kiss. The wind played over his face as he slowly opened his eyes and straightened, dropping his arms.

He sighed gustily, not knowing what to make of it all. He ran a shaky hand over his fringe, heart thumping wildly in his chest. Out of the corner of his eye, he saw Samara's crumpled corpse and went to it, gathering it to his chest, cold and empty. He whispered in one of her aural canals, "I hope you find peace, Samara."

But a wash of uncertainty brought him painful awareness that Shepard wasn't at peace, maybe there was no peace to be found. Ever.


	10. Chapter 10

He cast his vote and now waited to see what the new council would make of the future. The result came back blindingly fast, they were unanimously _for _Unification. He was secretly elated by the quickness, it meant that they had no reservations, there were no doubts among the leadership. He sighed in relief as he stood upon that stigma suspended in space above the spread petals of the Citadel.

Hope, that was this feeling in him, hope that it would work. Finally, it felt like a new era had come. Now, as it approached a decade after the Reapers had sought to annihilate the races assembled before him, he finally allowed himself to dream that maybe it would turn out alright after all.

Aria, who had relinquished her sole sovereignty of the Terminus Systems to this new government eyed him from across the sunlit dais, her face a study in amusement. It took quite awhile for the gathering to disperse, there was quite a lot of plans that needed sorting now that the all important die had been cast. Aria approached him after, with a swagger in her step that had him quirking his browplates. She stood to his side as he looked out at the station's plateaus of cityscape and said, "Think we'll regret it?"

He kept his face blank as he turned to her, "It's now or never. There won't be this much momentum for a long time, if ever."

She laughed dryly, "Considering how many people I had to kill to get it this far, it better last."

He snorted, "We. We killed quite a few. And as much as I'd like to say they were all bad men, I can't."

"You're still too soft, Archangel. Still too timid at the smell of blood." She looked behind them with a small smile of greeting and Garrus turned to see Anderson walk toward him, his gait broken by a severe limp, a wide grin on his dark face. The turian and the asari turned to face him in unison.

They stood in a loose triangle and Anderson said, shaking his head, "Who'd have thought, the three of us would be standing here as comms are opening to every world, spreading the word that Unification is a go."

"Hello, David, long time no see." The men shook hands, friends who'd been tested by fire and loss together. "A very long time indeed."

"London to be precise. I keep meaning to come visit your little hideaway, but you know...work." Anderson shrugged, then winced, leaning on his cane to take the weight off his leg then shot a wry look at the woman with them, "Aria, see the crown didn't suit."

Aria laughed, a tad coolly, "It was when I was reading a shipping manifest to one of the outer colonies for manure, _manure_ of all things, that I realized that I was much happier being a criminal, chased by the authorities, than I was being an authority."

Garrus smiled, "So what now, back to Omega?"

She chuffed in consternation, "You and I both know that when our sphere of awareness expands so far, that it makes it that much harder to go back. It would be like poking out your eyes. Do _you_ think you can go back to vigilante work?"

Garrus considered what she was really saying and shook his head. No, he couldn't, he probably couldn't even go back to the rim and gun for mercs with his boys any more, knowing the things that were happening here needed careful administration.

Anderson gestured to him to follow him and he nodded a farewell to Aria, that killer who now wore the civilized mien of a diplomat like she was born with it. He shook his head at the incongruity of it all, life had surprised him yet again. The former admiral leaned in close, "I need a drink. Care to join me?"

"Now that sounds like a plan." Garrus laughed as they made their way to an aircar.

Soon, after a quick trip to the commons for...supplies, they found their way to Garrus' office, long unused but still kept for him in his capacity of Primarch. He looked around at its opulence and snorted in derision. He missed his beach, he missed_ her_. And it would be some time before he could go back, there was much still to do. Anderson gingerly sat in a chair, face contorted in a pained grimace. Garrus pointed at his leg, "What happened there?"

Anderson laughed, "The Crucible happened."

"What?" Garrus said in surprise, browplates shooting up.

"Yeah, damn Illusive Man shot me in the knee as I was trying to find Shepard. I got three more bullets near my spine, too close for them to take them out surgically." Anderson winced as he shifted.

"You were up there in the Crucible with her? Did you see what happened?" Garrus sat forward eagerly, finally some answers maybe.

"No. I remember..." David's craggy face took on a faraway look, "...dying. Is that strange? I was laying in a wet stickiness that I knew was my own blood. I heard Shepard and the Illusive Man talking, he was trying to convince her of something, something to do with controlling the Reapers. He was always insane, I didn't know how insane until I heard that."

Anderson paused for a long time and Garrus had to stop himself from prompting him, and he eventually continued, "I was drifting away, it was dark and silent and I knew the last tie had been severed. I was relieved actually. Then there was noise, and light, green as her eyes and I swore I heard her say, '_I forgive you.'_ Next thing I knew, I was laying on some rubble on Earth, there was no pain. It took them forever to find me, but by then my leg was too far gone."

He lifted his trouser leg and Garrus saw that it had taken a complete cybernetic replacement to get the human back on his feet. David tapped it with his cane, smiling at the metallic clang of the impact, "The pain came later, with all the physical therapy, but it's getting easier. Someday, I might not even need the cane."

The human seemed inordinately pleased for being crippled, possibly for the rest of his life. He must have seen something of this in Garrus' face because he smiled at the turian's pensive frown, "How many old soldiers get a second chance, Garrus? And if I were gone, I would have missed all this."

Garrus smiled at how at peace the man was and lifted his glass, "To second chances. And third chances."

"As many chances as we can get our greedy little hands on." Anderson laughed, drinking his glass down in one gulp, gasping at the burn of strong alcohol, "Whew! Far cry from that rotgut we shared way back when."

"Well, being Primarch has its perks. Good liquor that's levo and dextro compatible is one of them."

"One thing I am going to miss about my lost leg. Walking around barefoot. Nothing like feeling soft grass beneath your feet. Guess I'll just have to be content with one bare foot." Anderson sighed.

"Simple pleasures." Garrus laughed and the two men told stories well into the night, some about friends, some about enemies, some just about life's little ironies.

* * *

"Can I show you something?" Shepard asked him one day as they lay nude on the beach, arms draped loosely around each other. The wind and sounds of the surf had lulled him into a semiconscious state, but the hopeful and tentative sound of her voice woke him fully and he opened his eyes to see her watching him carefully.

"Will it be...?" He waved his hand vaguely, not sure what word he was looking for. Uncanny was close, but missed the mark on how unsettled things like that still made him.

She nodded, but a smile tugged at the corner of her mouth fiercely, like she was fighting to contain some joyous feeling and his curiosity got the better of him. He smiled assent and she reached for him, her forehead touching his with an electric shock and he was flung into an abyss full of incomprehensible shapes.

_She looked down into a face that was ugly, red and wrinkled, tiny eyes tightly shut and thought it was the most beautiful thing she'd ever seen. She was holding the babe like she was a fragile and priceless vase, like too much noise or jostling and she would disappear, pop like a soap bubble. An impossibility, this child in her arms. How had it happened? Her scientist's mind railed at the sheer impossibility of it and she savagely willed it quiet, let her enjoy this moment forever if she could._

_She ached terribly in places, the pain had been excruciating but it was worth it, every iota of the last thirty six hours of labor if it meant that the miracle in her arms was realized. She touched the small hands lovingly with one long finger, smelled her head, that baby smell that so many books purchased for want of a fantasy had told her about, but had never conveyed the profundity of and whispered so very quietly in the stillness of her room, "Miracle Jane Lawson."_

_And in the tidal wave of loving regard __ that washed over her _and for worship of the tiny life she held in her arms, the walls of ice around her soul, walls that had protected her for so long against the cruelties of father and fate, broke, shattered forever.

He gasped as the vision faded, still feeling that warmth, that fire of adoration and looked into Jane's dancing green eyes, "Miranda..."

"Yes." The dancing was mischievous now and he watched as the gold flecks in them seemed to whirl like tiny suns about the galaxy's core.

"You did something."

"Yes, I did." She nuzzled into his chest and he rumbled at her in pleased tones.

A thought occurred to him, one that had been kicking around in his head for some time now, "You've been sending me dreams."

She looked at him with a touch of chagrin, "Sometimes...and sometimes they just found you."

"You're being cryptic again." He sighed into her hair and its intoxicating scent tickled his nares.

"Words are inadequate. I was...near you so many times and there were...leaks as I pierced the threshold. It's a door that is more like a wall and parts peel away when its plane is crossed, without my willing it so." She sighed in frustration as her words failed to convey exactly what she meant and he stroked her shoulder in small circles with his thumb.

"And when you did will it?"

She ducked her head and looked at him through the curtain of her long eyelashes, "I thought that I could give you your dreams back. You had stopped dreaming for yourself. But they never...stayed. The landscape of each mind is so foreign, yours had familiar landmarks, but the connections were different and you couldn't hold what I was trying to give in its matrices."

"I never could remember them, they slipped away as soon as I woke. There was one, though, that I saw part of. One with three children in it." He held her close, feeling so grateful for this miracle, "Thank you."

She laughed, "That wasn't one of my crafting, though I saw it. I stood with you in the gloom of your twilit consciousness watching as those phantoms of a future that could never be played in that forest. It was beautiful. You always dreamed so beautifully."

"Could never be? Even now?" Garrus watched her as she grimaced and rumbled understanding at her, "I know. You're not really here, at least, not all of you."

She looked at him in wonder then grinned, pleased that he understood to that degree, "You have always had the ability to surprise me, Garrus. The flesh and blood woman I was cherished that in you."

"I seem to have surprised this powerful being you are now, as well." He laughed at her wide grin and pressed a kiss on her lips, rolling her under him, humming at the sight of her cheeks blushing under his regard, "And now, I think, I'll remind you how nice it is to be flesh and blood. Maybe you'll visit more often then."

She laughed as he took her into his arms and ran her hands over his plates, which felt divine. It sent little shocks of electricity throughout his whole body, making him arch over her, his lower plates which had loosened pressing to her hot sex. Just that contact made his member shoot out fully, right into her channel and he gasped against her neck and she cried out in her arousal, reaching between them to squeeze him where he was imbedded in her. He groaned into her hair, which tickled his nares with its fiery strands. Her legs came around to lock his waist to lock him in place and he moved within her, running his long tongue up between her breasts and it was her turn to arch into him.

That strange gestalt was happening again and his vision blurred as he felt every touch and caress they were giving each other as though it were his own flesh. They screamed in ecstasy in unison with each fulmination, feeling it pulse back and forth between them, gaining meaning with each pass, gaining momentum as they attained greater heights than they could ever have if they'd remained wholly within their own bodies. Her flesh, his flesh, it didn't matter in that moment as they made love under the new sky which watched them with approval, or so he fancied. Satisfied exhaustion claimed them both and they slept, the sand making a comfortable bed, soft against his plates, her form nestled against his as it was always meant to be.

In the morning, he woke with the sun in his eyes, the hollow of sand at his belly in her shape empty and sighed deeply. A huge shadow towered over him and he froze like a prey animal, which, if the thing that loomed with its massive head and teeth so chose, he would shortly be. It was in arm's length, eyeing him with one rolling jewel like eye. A serpent, one of the many that he could see now writhing in his harbor.

It made no move to attack, but seemed to notice that he was uneasy in its presence and backed off a few feet. On land, it was almost ungainly, with its long body more suited to cutting through the waves. He swallowed and willed his heart to stop its wild beating and stood slowly, trying not provoke the beast that was still so near. Up this close, he could see patterns in the bright scales. Tone on tone, like jacquard. There were little fins all along its belly, which flexed awkwardly against the sand like oars. And limbs he could see, with small flexible tips, that curled and flicked dextrously.

It watched patiently as he got over his fear of it and he felt a pull toward the serpent, a pull from inside him and took a hesitant step forward, pausing to see if this caused a reaction. The serpent seemed to regally allow this intrusion into its space and he walked even closer, hand gingerly out like he'd seen Shepard do of a morning and the behemoth lowered its snout to gently butt his palm. An ache in his mandibles told him that he was grinning madly at this marvel and he felt smooth scales under his hands, silky from being worn down by the tides.

A sense that something was expected from him filled him and that huge pupil seemed to shout despair at him, and need. He didn't know what was required and shook his head in puzzlement and its regard swung to a spot behind him. Shepard's voice broke the hush, "He is the all father. Their leader, if they had a notion of the word."

She stood next to him and reached a hand to the serpent. Garrus felt the despair emanating from the being again and said, with an urgency that was wrenched from deep within him, "Give them what they need, Shepard. They ache for it."

She froze and said, "I can't, I told you. I made an oath."

He was overwhelmed by the need to do something and spoke hastily, "Then, take it from me."

She was taken aback, "You don't know what you're asking. The spark is not infinite."

"I can't just stand by while they scream in agony. Please...Jane. For me." His passion and, moreover, his compassion seemed to shake her resolve and her lip trembled as she considered it.

There, again, was the sense that the world was waiting for something monumental to happen and she nodded once abruptly and took his hand, "I won't let you do this alone, we'll share the cost. You aren't large enough to do it without the burden being too much."

A piece of him, a tiny part of that something that made him him that he'd been aware of and not aware of for all his long life was ripped away and he bent to the ground in pain, but also in joy as he felt rather than saw it catch fire in their minds, indeed like a spark to tinder. It caught in a conflagration that jumped from mind to mind, all the way out to sea and beyond, compounding the tiny portion he'd sacrificed a thousand fold and he howled at the love he felt for them now, the children of his soul.

Shepard collapsed next to him in the sand and they clung to each other, shaking in the wake of it. He watched the light of conscious thought whirl in that great eye above them and rejoiced. The all father of serpents abased himself at their feet, opening his mouth in a soft sussurrating hiss and he then turned to swim back out to his brethren, who waited, their bodies making shapes of ecstasy in the waves.

Garrus felt sorrow as he watched them leave, they wouldn't return, they had their own futures to build. Shepard comforted him in her embrace, "They will never be as connected as they are now. Soon they will grow apart and change and rise or fall on their own. In this, the dawn of their consciousness, they are one, made of many. And it may take them millenia to remember it."

"And if they should fall?" Terror filled him at the thought, that these magnificent creatures should flare and die out, taking the light they carried with them.

Shepard stayed silent and held him close as he trembled.


	11. Chapter 11

He was just finishing up his daily work schedule when an urgent message pinged his comms. The QE room filled with blue light as he turned on the machinery that ran it, gave it power. Cicero's image coalesced on the platform, his face grim and Garrus' heart sank in his chest, and he demanded in a voice pinched with worry, mouth dry, "Is it the family?"

Cicero shook his head, "No, no...they're fine. Safe on Palaven. I've got...bad news, boss."

It must be dire if the man was reverting to the old appellation of 'boss' and slowly Cicero unfolded a story that had Garrus shaking with horror and rage. It pressed on him, the sheer...blasphemy of it and when the appropriate orders had been issued, he turned off the comms and punched a nearby wall, over and over again until his knuckles were bloody and snatched up the datapad with the report of the incident on it and stalked out to the kitchen, where he snagged a bottle of brandy and went out into the open, almost dragging his feet now that the initial shock of it had worn off.

He sat abruptly in his chair and drank of that liquor til half the bottle was gone and still it hadn't quenched the fire in him. He read the report over and over again, words like 'tyrannical embargo' and 'forced relocation' jumping out at him accusingly. Xenocide, they'd made him a xenocide, in their foolishness and arrogance they'd done the unthinkable and there would be no more batarians in the galaxy, ever.

A whole people wiped out for a misunderstanding. Words, harsh words were exchanged and misinterpreted. His cruiser that he'd had put there to protect the one lonely colony from outside predators had retaliated the only way they'd been trained how to a vicious and almost successful attack from the planetside peoples. In his mind's eye he saw the asteroids as they were flung with accuracy toward the earthly sphere, each one hitting with the force of a one hundred megaton nuclear warhead. The planet was now a smoking ruin and there were no more batarians in the whole galaxy.

The repeating phrase wormed its way into his heart and made it cry out in pain, it itched at his brain with daggerlike nails and he curled on himself reflexively. The pressure of her presence filled the area and he shot a look of accusation at her, "Where were you?"

"Garrus..."

"You could have stopped this!" He flung the datapad at her feet and she flinched, "They're all dead! You can fix Miranda, you can fix me, but you can't stop an entire spirits damned species from getting wiped out?!"

His words pummeled her, he saw and almost relented, then pushed on because his heart demanded it, "What is the use of all your power if you can't use it to help people!?"

He'd looked away from her and she made a choked sound of pain that had him swinging his head around to look at her, slightly ashamed at his outburst. And what he saw in her face made fear lance through his body. It was a terrible regret, ancient and full of shame and after a long, long pause, her mouth opened, and words fell out of it hollowly, "I dare not. I've changed too much already."

"Jane." Garrus stood and stepped toward her, knowing from the way the light shimmered over her form that she was leaving, and called after her desperately, "Jane!"

And then he was alone on that beach under the suddenly harsh sun and he shivered in memory of the look she'd had on her face. A regret so vast that it was terrible. He wasn't sure if he wanted to know what had caused it.

* * *

He resigned the next day, the first Primarch to ever do so. He made sure his powers of state landed in the hands of people he could entrust with them, and spent the next few months fretting in growing fear that she was never coming back. He searched for her, with his mind and heart, but she either didn't hear or wouldn't, because she was never there.

He slept on the beach as much as he did in his bed and dreamt of her, like he used to, her hair, her eyes, her spirit. He relived a lot of their battles in the night time hours and found new nuances of meaning in everything she'd said and done over the course of their war with the Reapers.

He sat on the tip of the promontory and watched the serpents dance in the water. The ocean was full of them, he didn't know if this was just a breeding ground or if the entire globe's oceans held such concentrations of them. Either way, it was beautiful. It was a language he could see, patterns repeated themselves, patterns that led to actions, they were speaking to each other down there. Every once in a while, he thought he saw the leader of them, thought he saw that great eye come up to regard him as he looked down from on high.

The corio rested across his lap. He'd been reacquainting himself with its shape, the sound of it as he played it in the mornings. He played it for her, trying to summon her back to him from across the gulf of their separate existences. His heart ached to be near her and he let his mournful song play over the hills and beaches, across the water where he thought he heard an answering trumpeting from those beings that carried his spirit in them. It made him smile to think that they were learning music from him.

Presently, a ship landed behind his house and he watched two figures make their way slowly to his perch, the light glancing blindingly off one of them. Joker tossed him a huge grin and snarked, "Nice shirt. Did it come with a pina colada?"

"I don't know what that is. Leave it to a human to make a joke without context. Your delivery sucks." Garrus laughed at the frown of mock consternation that flitted across the man's face. "But then, it always had."

EDI glanced down at the water and her brows raised in surprise, "Giant snakes?"

"Not just. Watch them with me." He smiled as they settled down next to him, watched with delight as realization slowly dawned on them, "You see?"

"They're sapient." EDI said, her voice tinged with awe. "Jeff, see how they correlate their positions based on the golden mean?"

"Yeah, I don't know about all that, but I'm pretty sure I just saw one of them flip off that big one. Yep, he's toast." Joker pointed at a brutal clashing of giant bodies down there and Garrus laughed as the smaller one shot away through the water with the larger one on its tail, snapping and snarling.

"I guess some things transcend species barriers. Don't fuck with the big guy."

EDI smiled with amusement as the two men laughed easily in that high place, "I am pleased to report that the last of the Reapers is gone."

"So soon? Surely we're a bit short of two years." Garrus said, scratching his head as he thought about how much time had elapsed since their little field trip.

Joker snorted, "Lost track of time, old man? Naw, but really, it's only been a year and eight months. We might've...helped it along a bit."

"That was bit risky, wasn't it? What if the big bastards suddenly came back to life?"

"Not a chance. Telemetry said they were more than just dead like the one we got the IFF from, they were completely empty of all energy signatures."

"Still, it's a relief that they're all gone. What's up with the visit? Surely not just that tidbit of intel, you could have told me that over the comms." He watched them closely and was relieved when a completely honest look of chagrin washed over Joker's face. Not something dire then, good, he didn't need any more bad news.

EDI said in a voice light with hidden laughter, "Jeff wanted to take a 'vacation', even though I assured him that I did not need what he calls 'downtime'."

Garrus saw a bright orb at her throat and said, "Is that what I think it is?"

She touched it with one hand and said, "Yes, it houses my programming. Quantum stacking has made it possible for huge amounts of information to be compressed into the spaces between molecules."

"So, your bulky AI Core is obsolete now. Guess that makes more space for...what...a pool table maybe?"

"Pft. I wish. Just like a woman, she insisted on putting in a huge bathroom. The tub has jets in it."

"Life is just rough all over, isn't it?" Garrus put his chin in his hands in amusement as the pilot waved his hands in a flustered manner.

EDI turned to Joker, her voice a gentle admonishment, "The doctor on the Citadel said that it would help you retain your bone density to exercise in the water."

"Okay, mom, I had it put in, didn't I?" Joker turned to Garrus, who was finding it hard to suppress a smirk. The human rolled his eyes, "You see what I have to put up with?"

"I do. How terrible it must be to have someone looking out for you." He laughed as the pilot shook his fist and held up his hands defensively. "Well, I for one am glad you're here. I could use the company."

"Retirement getting to you?" The human quirked an eyebrow at him as they stood, ambling companionably down the steep incline to his house.

"I didn't retire, I resigned."

Joker glanced at him sidelong, "You know they're saying some seriously bad stuff about you out there. You're being demonized for the Batarian Massacre as its, uh, architect or something."

Garrus shook his head sadly at how angry this seemed to make the pilot and said quietly, "I'm the one who put half those bad things out there, Joker. They were going to need a scapegoat, so I volunteered myself. Better that than to risk the stability we all sweat blood for."

"Jeezus, Vakarian." It had taken the man aback, he could see. EDI took the pilot's hand in hers and Joker sighed, deeply disturbed by this...not quite a deception, but had all the earmarks of one, "The things we do for the ones we love, right? Still seems wrong somehow..."

"To let them doubt what we'd accomplished would have been more wrong." He smiled to put them at their ease and led them into his house, "You remember where the facilities are. Stay, please, for as long as you want to."

"You're a stronger man than me, Garrus, of that I have no doubt. Shepard would be proud if she were here to see it."

EDI smiled, a small smile with a secret in it, "Oh, I am sure wherever she is, she sees it."

This made the wheels turn in Garrus' head, and he wondered if she knew more than she let on. Probably did, maybe he wasn't the only one to receive Shepard's august visits after all, though it made him just the tiniest bit jealous to think so. Just the tiniest, though, and he would never deny them her company if she'd seen fit to grant it. And he smiled at the AI who calmly watched him from her seat on the couch, and they exchanged a look of deep understanding over Joker's oblivious head.

* * *

_Taru, General Supreme of the Twelfth Legion, dragged his blood and viscera covered self to camp, passing his brothers' broken bodies as they lay ignobly on the dirt, unconsecrated, unmourned. The brutal campaign that had ended them was just starting its fiftieth year. He looked around at the bloody remains of his comrades and suddenly felt sickened by the waste of it. No one even remembered what had started this war, it had begun in his grandfather's time, but still they waged it. It had become as traditional as the harvest that fed his troops._

_While he reveled in battle as much as the next Miztla-en, he found himself pondering if there wasn't maybe a way to end it all. If the nation they fought was just as wearied by it, by the endless strikes of attrition that kept them evenly matched. He sat heavily on a log and placed one gauntlet clad hand in another and thought thoughts that had never occurred to another Miztla. The perpetual rain slackened and his gaze was drawn up and up, there was a rare break in the clouds above and the stars, glimpsed only once in a while were visible and his thorny jaw slackened as he mumbled, "I wonder..."_

EDI was in the kitchen slicing fruit when he stumbled from his room, the thoughts and memories of a life that wasn't his still resounding in his mind. He shook his head to loosen them, hoping they fled like the others had and was left with the memories as an unpleasant aftertaste to an otherwise restful sleep. They ceased to grip him as tightly, he no longer felt the stouter stature of that other man as his own and he sighed in relief.

He sat at a stool and poured himself some cha, which EDI must have thoughtfully made and she watched him as he gulped it down. He held up his cup and said with a smile, "Thanks, I needed that."

"You are welcome, Garrus." She turned back to her task, slicing the blue fruit in her hands with unerring inhuman precision and he watched her for a time.

He cleared his throat, "Where's Joker?"

"He is outside. He said he was...'checking it out'." He loved how she seemed to be able to pronounce quotes, they fell neatly into her speech pattern with an almost audible click.

"Hmm. Anyone else show up today?" It was layered with meaning and she turned enough to look at him sidelong.

"I am sure I do not know what you mean."

"When did you learn to lie?" He rumbled at her in amusement, "You know who I mean."

A ping on her omnitool stalled whatever she had been about to say and Garrus watched as actual panic filled her face. She ran for the door and he followed, now as alarmed as she. She took off at speed for the stand of trees to the north and he had trouble keeping up with her, her mechanical body outdistanced him easily.

He came to a ravine and gasped when he spotted Joker's twisted body at its base, clearly shattered in a dozen places. EDI was in a frantic state, obviously not sure what to do. Garrus slid down the hill to a stop near them, "EDI, calm down. You've got a standard survival kit on your ship, don't you? Go get the cot from it, we'll make a travois."

She took off with that same robotic speed and he turned his attention to the broken man at his feet. Joker moaned and his eyes fluttered open, blood leaking from around his mouth. Garrus ran his omnitool over the pilot's body, the spine seemed intact so he started patiently shifting Joker around so that his limbs were back in alignment, ignoring his cries of pain. There was a lot of internal bleeding, not good.

EDI was back shortly and already assembling the cot's frame, her hands moving in a blur. "We have to get him to the Citadel."

He was about to agree when a strange feeling washed over him, making his vision double for just a moment and his mouth opened without his volition, "Rannoch, we have to get him to Rannoch."

Garrus shook as the feeling passed, looking up into EDI's frightened eyes. She accepted with a nod and they tied Joker carefully to the makeshift stretcher and loaded him up on the ship. The man lifted a bloody hand to her face with a smile of adoration on his lips, "I love you, EDI."

"I love you, too, Jeff." Her eyes were aglow with it as she cupped her hand over his. "Now, lie still."

Garrus looked away from their private moment in embarrassment. He caught Joker's next words with a start, "There..was...a kid. I was trying to get to her, she was... scared, I think."

Garrus exchanged a look with EDI, and saw her grow restive, a spark of anger in her countenance that she quickly cooled as she looked back down at her lover, "Shhh, shhh, we're on our way."

"What was...a kid doin'...out there?" Was the last thing Joker said as the pain meds kicked in and his eyes rolled back into his head. EDI set his hand gently onto his chest and shot a look of warning at Garrus, who looked back nonplussed, with bafflement.

She sat in the pilot's seat and promptly went still. He figured she'd gone into the ship, to steer it by 'hand' as she'd done the Normandy. He settled in to wait, checking Joker's vitals occasionally.

* * *

Tali met them at the new spaceport, her mask off in the cool afternoon breeze. Her smile of welcome vanished when she spotted Joker and she rushed to his side, saying with scorching admonition, "Why didn't you take him to the hospital? He's dying and you bring him here?"

Garrus shook his head, not certain really either, but his mouth opened again and said to his own horror, "Take us to the interfaces, Tali. The new ones."

Tali gasped, her hand coming up to cover her mouth, her voice came out angry, "How do you know about that? It's classified information."

"There's no time, Tali. Just take us to them." EDI's voice came out curt, he could almost see the anger coiling around her.

They got into a aircaravan and sped off over the skyways of the new city. He looked out the window and saw that it was even more impressive than his imagination had painted it so long ago.

They came to a building that was more art than function and he paused to look up at its imposing edifice of marble and circuitry. Then he ran to catch up to the group that had carried Joker to the interior. A short elevator ride down, if the rising of his stomach was any indication of direction and they were let out in an austere room with geth attendants lining the walls. They looked up at the curious visitors and once Tali waved an arm to show that they were with her, they turned their attention back to whatever it was they were doing.

Garrus' mouth said with another's will controlling his voice, "Bring us one of the shells. A male one."

Tali looked frightened by whatever she saw in his face as he swung to her and she ran off with a startled backward glance.

Garrus trembled and said under his own power, "What the hell is happening?"

EDI said from Joker's side, "I do not know, but I am sure we will soon find out."

A geth touched one of the smooth walls and a pod slid out with a hiss. It reminded him of the one that Shepard used to access the collective, only far more advanced. This unit was horizontal for one and looked, at least if the plastiform shape of its bed was any clue, to be made for quarians. The geth attending them said in smooth baritone, "Please place the human in the pod."

EDI and Garrus exchanged a look. They'd come this far, might as well see it through. Gently, they removed him from the stretcher and placed his broken body in the bed. It slid closed with a sigh and EDI twitched fitfully. He imagined her worried, as worried as he'd be in her shoes.

Tali returned with a geth the likes of which he'd never seen, it was shaped like a male quarian, nude, face strong and aware and he watched it amble toward him with an almost effeminate swish, and it said in a feminine voice that was somehow familiar, "Garrus Vakarian, it is pleasant to see you again."

"You're...Kshanti." He said, brows lifted in surprise.

"I am." She, in the male face, smiled at him before moving to stand with Tali.

"Now what?" Tali asked, her face frowning at the oddness of the situation.

He let the other in him talk, curious himself, "Hook the empty shell to the pod and then everyone must leave."

"But-" Tali was interrupted by EDI, whose face was almost a snarl.

"Do it." There was no arguing with that tone of voice and the geth moved to obey. Tali took the glowing sphere back from the shell and placed it into its socket in her suit. The shell, as it must be called, stood rigidly, empty. They plugged in a variety of cables to its head and chest and then left.

Tali shook her fist, "I'm a damned admiral. I don't take orders from overgrown computers on my own damn world."

Garrus put his hands on her shoulders and looked earnestly into her eyes, "Please Tali, he's dying. I don't know what's going on either, really, but please, do it."

"Someone here is barking mad and I'm sure it's not me. If you're trying to do what I think you're trying to do, I'm warning you. None of that equipment was designed to do that. It isn't possible."

"It'll be okay, Tali." His words of reassurance were only partly his as he felt that other consciousness move in him like a strong wind. It did the trick, though and with one last backward glance, Tali left, the door closing behind her.

He turned to EDI, whose eyes flashed at him in fury. Her words were hard and cold, "Whatever it is you are going to do, do it. He is failing."

He moved to the console and watched, fascinated, as his fingers danced over the keyboard, completely without his control. With a last peck, he felt something leave him and sagged in exhaustion as the machinery powered up. Lights danced over the pod, he felt a push of sorts happening somewhere, close by. The overhead lights dimmed and he felt a draw on the air around him.

The shell of a geth swayed where it stood, then sagged, knees buckling and Garrus reflexively reached out to keep it up. The cables popped loose of their own volition and he was left holding up several hundred pounds of metal and tubing in the shape of a man. It gasped, like it was out of breath and its eyes focused on him, saying in a tenor voice, "Garrus?"

He almost dropped it in shock, he'd had an inkling what was about to happen, but to actually see it. "Joker?"

The man in the machine blinked its mechanical eyes, "Uh, why am I naked? And why am I in your arms?"

Garrus was flustered, "You're uh-"

Joker seemed to realize something was different then and looked down, "What the hell?!"

EDI stepped around Garrus then and helped the new man to stand, which he did with surprise at himself at how easily this was accomplished, "Jeff, it's alright. You're safe."

"What the hell did you guys do to me?" He spotted then the body in the pod, "Oh nonono, seriously?"

They stood back while the new body of Joker went to see the old one and Garrus felt trepidation seize him. Was it too much? Would this completely unhinge the man?

Joker placed a hand on that sarcophagus and bent his head. EDI flinched to see those broad shoulders shake and Garrus cleared his throat, "Joker, uh, Jeff, I know this seems like a huge change and you never asked for it, but you were dying and-"

"Are you kidding me? This is the coolest shit ever!" Joker turned a laughing face to them and he laughed, long and loud and he bounced in place, "Look, I can jump! I bet I can run, too. Hell, I bet I can waterski."

Garrus let out a sigh of relief, then froze as EDI shot him a look of barely suppressed anger. She went to Joker, who took her into his arms with the widest grin of wonder and exuberance on his face Garrus thought he'd ever seen and they held each other then in silence.

When they left, Tali almost collapsed when Joker greeted her with a high five. She demanded to know what they'd done, how they'd done it and the geth swarmed the place, looking for the miracle. Garrus was willing to lay odds on the fact that they wouldn't find it. This was too big a jump for them, he felt and knew that now it was known that it _could_ be done, someday in the future they would figure it out on their own.

Garrus did his best to placate the quarian who was pummeling him in the chest, "I'm sorry, Tali. I don't know how it was done. I'd tell you if I did. You know that."

"You'd better be glad I believe you'd never lie to me, Garrus. Because if you are, remember that I still have a shotgun." Her threats carried a deadly promise and he bowed to them with acceptance.

Kshanti, in a shell that was akin to female quarians in shape as the one Joker now resided in was to the males, watched the new man with interest, fingers lightly stroking her chin, "It is a miracle, but one born of science, not superstition. We will investigate this event closely, it would be interesting to see if it can be repeated."

"We should leave before we amass a crowd of interested parties." Garrus said to Tali, who pouted at him in annoyance, "I'll come back to visit, Tali. I promise."

"And maybe then you can explain to me exactly what happened in there."

"All that I know, I will lay at your feet if I get a chance to." He swept her into an embrace and hugged Kshanti for good measure, who took it calmly and with good grace. A day that had started in fear and horror had ended with a miracle.

On the Salome, he watched as the two synthetics talked about how to interface with the ship directly. EDI cautioned him to take it slow and he wanted to jump right in, predictably. She relented eventually and now Garrus and EDI stared at each other across the space of the cockpit as Joker flew the ship in spirit, her gaze was decidedly hostile and he swallowed, nervously.

He turned at an indefinable noise and the waft of gun oil and flowers to see Shepard standing at the back of the ship, her face a tentative mix of hope and trepidation. EDI stalked toward her and raised a hand as if to strike the woman. Shepard tilted her face to it in acceptance and waited. Garrus saw EDI's shoulders tremble, that raised hand shook with rage, her voice came out a low growl, "How dare you?"

Shepard shrank upon herself, "I'm sorry."

"We are not your playthings to break and mend." EDI's voice was filled with contempt.

"He had so little time left." Shepard said with total conviction staining her words, "A week, maybe two, it wasn't exactly clear."

"I had finally contented myself with the fact of his mortality. I knew I would continue in sorrow." EDI's voice broke on that last word and that hand finally lowered, "You should not interfere, you know what happens."

Shepard gathered the silvery woman to her breast and wept upon her metal brow, "I am sorry, EDI, I tried not to, but I love you so. All of you."

Garrus watched as the two women embraced, feeling it in his chest as a warm rush, and a kernel of dread at the way EDI had said 'interfered'.

"Oh my Gawd! Shepard's back?!" Joker's voice filled the cockpit over the comms and he whooped in elation, "Hold on. Let me park this thing and give you a hug. A proper rib cracking hug."

After much joyful hugging, the group quieted as Shepard raised her hands, "I need your help."

"Our help? But you're practically a god now." Joker laughed and then quieted when she turned a pain filled face on him. "Right, forget I said anything, stupid me."

"What is it?" Garrus said, hoping they weren't headed into a firefight. He'd forgotten his armor for one and his rifle.

"There is out there...a being that fears it is alone. It was birthed by the consciousness we knew as the Illusive Man and its soul will sour soon if it stays the way it is and many will suffer for it." Shepard's eyes were wide as she looked into that far place. "I can't touch it, not without hurting it more."

Garrus touched her knee, "What happened to the Illusive Man?"

Her face flashed in fierce joy and suddenly Garrus knew what had happened. This was Shepard as she used to be in battle. Her voice was quiet as she said, "I destroyed him...utterly. He is not even a whisper now."

Garrus shivered, his intuition had been right, there was no peace, not even in death. He wondered where the trade off was. "Tell us about this being."


	12. Chapter 12

It was a plan fraught with peril and uncertainty. Two ships, two ships with mass effect fields to try to communicate with the titan. He scratched his head as he thought in wonder about what it was they were going to face. A sun, a living conscious star, it boggled the mind how such a thing could even be remotely possible. It felt somehow familiar, like he'd dreamt about it once, maybe he had, maybe it was one of the ones that had slipped away upon waking.

Liara hadn't asked why he needed another Raptor, she probably already knew about Joker, the clever asari. He was amused to see the two children playing roughly in the background of the monitor. They seemed quite the terrors at two years of age, maybe they'd gotten their father's temperament. Spirits, he hoped not.

EDI had seemed reticent to let Joker pilot the other ship, who the man kept referring to as Herod with a laugh. It had been easy to start thinking of the metal man as his friend Joker, almost alarmingly easy, especially since all his mannerisms had remained intact, down to wearing a cap.

After a few practice runs to break the new ship in, they headed out. Shepard had disappeared, predictably. Garrus assumed they'd meet her there, she probably had lots of things to do out in the ether. What was really strange was why he was here at all. He had no part to play that he could see, yet she'd insisted that he stay on board, odd. He chalked it up to her being cryptic again and settled against the bulkhead with a sigh. He'd forgotten how soothing the rumble of deck plates under his feet could be and soon fell off into an easy dreamless slumber.

Sometime later, he heard a sound, it was subtle, but it yanked at him and as he turned his mind to it, he realized he'd been hearing it all along, throughout his whole life. It was chiming, musical and he felt his heart flutter as it caressed his spirit with its sweet tones. His eyes opened to see Shepard watching him from across the small room, hardly bigger than a shuttle's passenger compartment. How often over the course of the years had they been in exactly this position, he couldn't even begin to count and he smiled at her, "Hey."

She smiled back at him, playfully, "Have I ever told you how adorable you are when you're sleeping?"

"No. And I think that's something I'd like you to keep to yourself. But for the sake of the argument, why am I so adorable when I'm asleep?"

"You're so much the predator when you're awake, keen, sharp, aware of your surroundings. You move like you could be springing after something with deadly intent at any moment. All that focus..." She shivered in delight, he saw with a shiver of his own and she continued, "But when you're asleep, it all goes away, you become...fluid and you _nuzzle."_

He rumbled deep in his throat, then looked at her with uncertainty, "I thought for awhile that you weren't coming back."

She came to sit with him and he curled a long arm around her shoulders, pulling her close, "I tried not to. It proved...difficult."

"I'm glad you're back, however long you can be. Any bit of you I can get, I'll take." He nuzzled her ear, smiling to hear her giggle, just like old times, before circumstance had changed her so. "I'm starting to remember the dreams."

"I know. I am a weight in the world that changes everything around me. That's why I wasn't able to come to you on Palaven, or the Citadel. Too many presences, too many ripples."

"What about Rannoch?"

"Not that many people there yet, though soon I will be barred from there, too." She was an exile from the hearths of their spirits, it was sorrowful.

"What happened to the Reapers?" Garrus felt her freeze under his arm and almost retracted the question, even though it burned in him to know.

She looked into his eyes and that sound got louder as he gazed back, "I promise I will tell you. In time. Will you wait?"

Another promise, but he felt that he had nothing to lose by this one. She could have just refused him, in fact he wondered why she hadn't if it were so terrible. He sighed into her fragrant hair, "Yes, haven't I always? Even when I thought I hated you?"

She took in a shuddering breath, "If it had just been hate, Garrus, I could have lived with that."

He froze this time, "What do you mean?"

"Hate is a passion, you can still dream with hate. You can still strive with hate, even though it's a smaller existence." She stroked his knee and it sent little flares of heat up his leg, but he concentrated on what she was saying, "You were cutting out your passions. You were tearing your heart out."

He felt the truth of it in him, he'd been deliberately shutting it all off, just existing, just surviving. He'd told himself that it was for the simple pleasures that he could live but now he saw that it was a trap not to hope for more, want more. And how it led to the urge to control everything that could be a threat to his survival. He shivered, at what he wasn't quite sure, "What would have happened?"

"You would have become like the Illusive Man." She said with horror in her voice and he agreed with that horror completely. They lapsed into silence, holding each other against the dark thought that had arisen between them.

He said with hesitation, "Would you have destroyed me?"

"Yes." She said uncertainly, not sure of how he was going to react, "I would have tried."

Garrus sighed in relief, "Thank you."

And like a dam had broken, peace fell and he ruffled her hair with his breath. She lifted her head, "We're here."

"Why am I here, Jane? I don't have a part to play in this." He stood with her and they gazed out at the fiery sphere that filled the whole porthole, it's flares long arms that flitted through space, constantly weaving back and forth as it searched desperately. It was an awe inspiring sight and a terrifying one. He could see how this thing could become a threat. It moved without care of its orbiting bodies and from the scanners he glanced at, that three of its planets were already cinders. How much worse if it found a way to reach beyond the system it resided in.

Shepard kissed him on a mandible and said with a grin of mischief, "You're going to want to see this."

Out of the window of the cockpit, he saw the other ship, the one Joker was piloting, roll in a dizzying acrobatic display. Mass effect fields would protect them fairly well against the heat of close proximity to the star, well into its corona, but those flares, they were problematic. If caught, they would be immolated in a heartbeat, he wouldn't even have time to shout. A quick death if it happened, which was a small mercy.

It wasn't aware of them, not yet anyway. It would have to be taught that the things that were smaller than it might have consequence, might be the other consciousnesses it was searching for in its despair. It had no concept of things that were below its own magnitude. He wondered briefly how it was able to see at all, without optic nerves and a brain to receive them. Shepard had reassured them that it would see their display, which was largely visual with bursts of radiation that mimicked the way stars emitted waves in the ultraviolet range. It was going to be tricky without knowing how the star was going to react.

He felt the deck shudder as the gravity well of the star started pulling on them, but his eyes were glued to the windows and the marvel that was shaping there. The twin ships dived like birds into the star's corona, their mass effect shields dragging flames behind them. Both ships rolled in it, like varren rolled in mud and plasma coated the whole outside of the ships' shields. They danced out to a distance and the AIs who piloted them forced the shields out into a sphere, so it looked like two small suns flamed there in the dark. Then the bursts of radiation aimed directly at the star were supposed to get its attention.

It took three more dives and rolls before he felt the pressure of that orb's regard finally swing to them, it was vast, the intelligence he felt there and astonished, utterly astonished. It reached for them, these visitors and they had to dodge the fiery arms. It reached again and their orbs disappeared, leaving that being bereft. He felt it on his senses and wished for it to understand, to see them in the hearts of these false stars.

Another dive and they appeared again to the sun, dancing around it and it spun faster in its confusion, throwing off more hydrogen and particles. Finally it seemed to understand that trying to touch was a bad thing and it left off and just watched them. The two ships regained their cloaks of fire and spun around each other, dancing like lovers, which they were. Even it could feel it, the connection there between the two AIs as they swam in the ocean of stars. Finally, one let the other go get more fire as it sedately waited. Garrus watched this all from that waiting ship EDI was piloting and from without, in his mind's eye.

One tiny sun now, in the microcosm they were building and the other ship flew around it, letting out small beacons that lit as they spun around the false solar body. Garrus felt the titan's regard turn to its own orbiting bodies, then back to the display before it. He watched as the beacons exploded into a shower of tiny fiery orbs, each a tiny sun in its own right and he was almost swept away by the might of understanding that settled over the giant before them. It washed over him with feverish joy. It knew, it understood. It wasn't alone and if it was patient, it would behold life in its reach, beings that were like it, but smaller, and no less significant.

Shepard smiled and a tear rolled down her face, clearly relieved. Garrus shot her a cheeky look, "As if you had any doubt."

"I have lots of doubts. It is always uncertain what something so very alien will think when confronted with an unknown." She sat with a sigh, a peaceful smile on her lips. "I am so very glad that I didn't have to kill it."

He grunted in surprise, then said, "You would have done that?"

She nodded, "It had so much consciousness in its advent, it was already large in its comprehension. Imagine if it had decided that destroying was more fun than creating or protecting."

"Are there a lot of these?" He asked with some hesitation.

"This is the only one I know of. It's unique. I don't really understand what ol' Jack was thinking when he created it."

"He was probably just thinking about having a pet star to order around. You know how he was with controlling things and what's got more juice than a star?" Garrus chuckled to himself, then sobered, "Well, maybe a black hole. Those can't become conscious, can they?"

"God, I hope not. Not too much chance of that happening now though and I haven't come across one yet." Shepard shook out her hair and he breathed in its scent with half lidded eyes, and plopped down next to her, reaching out to grab her chin between thumb and forefinger. He kissed her deeply, feeling the rush of heat all over his body as she sighed into his mouth, their tongues intertwining and he heard that song again, bright and joyful. He listened with half an ear while his senses reached out to enfold her, and she him.

Strange, now it was almost second nature to feel her like this, almost closer than his own skin. EDI broke into the moment with an amused, "Joker wishes me to tell you two to get a room."

They looked up to see the sensor array of the Herod peeping in at them from the viewport and laughed. Shepard pulled away from him with a resigned sigh, her fingers tracing the line of his mandible, "I'll see you on that beach, Garrus."

"I'll be there, waiting for you." Garrus watched her disappear and almost knew how, almost. It was just out of reach and he let it go for now. He turned to the still body of EDI, addressing the ship as a whole, "Are you guys going to be alright?"

EDI warmly chuckled, "Our friend out there wants us to visit sometimes, if I am interpreting the gamma bursts correctly. We will be fine, Garrus. Thank you."

He leaned back and sighed, hands interlaced on top of his head, "Mums the word, you two. Especially you, Joker, I know you can hear me. No one knows about Shepard, keep it secret."

Joker's raucous laugh came over the speakers, "As if anyone would believe us anyway. Shepard's back from the dead and kicking ass in the name of thinking beings everywhere."

"That's the problem, they would. You know how dangerous an idea like that would be. Cults would flock to her banner, they would kill in her name and if I find out you're responsible, Jeff, so help me, I don't know what I'd do."

"Sheesh, enough with the threats, I get it. My titanium lips are sealed." Joker cut out and Garrus watched that sensor array swing wide as the pilot flew through the heavens in sheer joy of the freedom to do so. Garrus could feel it on the edge of his awareness and smiled a smile of satisfaction of a good day's work.

* * *

He sat in his chair feeling positively lazy as he read the latest dispatch from his family. They were doing well, very well. And as he read the messages, he spotted a surreptitiously placed file near the bottom, with the very simple title of 'The Way.' He opened it and found out that it was a book, written by none other than Cicero, his brother and friend. A few chapters in and he was feeling the heat of embarrassment on the back of his neck.

It was about him and his life, in words that he'd never use himself to describe what he'd done for the turian Heirarchy and the galaxy in general and he was surprised at the amount of insight into his character that someone outside of his small circle of contemporaries, namely the people he'd fought beside on the Normandy, had. Here was when he'd taken over the Special Forces, what the soldiers had thought of the new training regimen, and he was gratified to see that they'd found it refreshing and interesting, if counter to everything they'd been taught before. A short chapter about the vineyards on his family's estate. A description of the invasion that had rocked Palaven and the way the new training had saved them and again saved them on Menae. A few paragraph long quotes from units stationed in the border colonies that had him wincing at the words that seemed too full of praise for what he'd done.

He'd only done what was necessary, what he felt was necessary. He'd never believed that it had taken so wholeheartedly among the races. He continued to read and felt embarrassment all over again when the meeting between himself and Shepard on Menae was described in detail, there was even a quote from Corinthus, speculation about the nature of their relationship, but in glowing, approving tones. How long had his brother in law been compiling these facts? It bordered on intrusive and he was just starting to feel a touch angry when he ran across a series of sketches, of himself looking out over a battlefield, or of himself and his boys sitting around camp joking around and eating, they'd even caught him napping and he had to agree that he looked completely non threatening cradling his sniper rifle like child with a favorite toy.

What was the purpose of this book? Mostly it seemed a testimonial to his achievements, but the more he thought about it the more he viewed it as an attempt to make the reader understand that the subject was just another mortal, like them, with faults and foibles, but someone who tried to do the right thing and rose to great heights because of it. He felt an ache in his chest for his men out there, who'd loved him, who he loved, who had understood him at his heart.

He leaned back and put the datapad down with a deep sigh, heard footsteps approach and opened an eye in wry amusement, "I just found out that I'm a hero."

Shepard sat on the sand in front of him and laughed, "Just now?"

"Yeah, it's embarrassing what's in this book." He offered it to her and she perused it, with a smile growing with each flicked page. She paused and he figured she'd found the sketches. She handed it back to him with a warm amused smile at his discomfiture.

"Looks like a good read. I like the part about the people being the colony, that they could just move back after."

"I learned from the best." He waved at her and she had the grace to blush at the praise.

"Come swim with me." She stood and pulled at his hands and he stood as well, looking out at the water dubiously.

"I...don't swim too well. It's not something that turians in general do well." He let her pull him out to where the warm water lapped at the land.

"The entire time you've lived here and you've never swum in the lagoon?" She teased him as she ran into the waves and he followed up to his waist, which was about as far as he'd ever gone. She paddled sedately out there in all that water, "C'mon, Vakarian, I got you."

He walked in farther, almost panicking when the waves pulled his feet away from the sand, "You might have to, if I start drowning."

"Every soldier goes through drown proof training, just relax and let the water carry you. Your body knows what to do. Let it go." She beckoned from just the next wave and he lunged after her, fully immersing himself in a body of water that wasn't in a bathtub for the first time in ages. He flailed for a moment as he went under, but soon relaxed as he became accustomed to the sensation. He found the easy rhythm of hands and feet to keep himself afloat and shot Shepard a look of triumph, which she laughed to see. Water pooled in his cowl which was a little strange, but nothing to fret over and he started making shovels of his hands to try to reach her, with limited success.

Garrus concentrated on feeling the current and soon moved through the water, not exactly gracefully, but getting the job done. That maddening woman stayed just out of reach, as he paddled after her awkwardly. He growled in frustration and she finally let him catch her, her lips crashing into his mouthplates and they both went under, into the warm surf and it was like time stood still as they embraced under the waves. His eyes opened to see her hair waving like red kelp, sun dappled and strange, but beautiful. He felt no need for air and wondered if she was doing something again, something uncanny and just enjoyed the sensation of her skin sliding like silk over his plates, her noises of approval changed to warbles in the water. They joined, in that weightless place, moving in timeless rhythm.

Her passage clenched around him deliciously as they were tugged to and fro by the ocean, like it wanted to assist in some way. He cried out against her neck as he climaxed, the sound turned to a deep reverberating hum. There was no up, no down in the tide, they rolled at random, he rocked them faster, needing full release as the water caressed every inch of their flesh. He felt her rush of ecstasy as his own and soon followed her and with a last few thrusts, they found themselves beached, washed up on that shore like driftwood.

She breathed heavily in the afterglow, her face alight with wonder. He looked down into her face, pushing her slicked hair back from her face and they both started at the sound of distant roaring. She laughed and placed a warm hand over his heart, which thumped fast and quick and said in a breathy tone, "They approve."

Garrus smiled at the idea and buried his face at her salty neck, lapping at it in affection. She caressed his fringe and the skin under it and his eyes closed in pleasure. "I think I could get used to this swimming thing."

She held him to her breast and he reveled in how close she was to him now, or how close he was to her. It was just perspective and he let the thought go, just felt her here with him, something he once thought would never ever happen again. She spoke softly, "I was never meant to come back...like this anyway."

He looked into her face and saw a sadness but also a joy there, "What happened to you? On the Crucible?"

She smiled at him, "Her name was Hannah. The husk you found on that world out on the rim. And her son's name was Phillipe. They were separated when the Reapers came. She was given to the dragon's teeth while he was chosen for something else, something even more tragic. He was_ stolen_ because of something that happened long long ago."

Garrus rolled onto his side and propped his head up in his palm, and waited. It was time, he would finally have some answers to bring him peace...or unrest. He wasn't completely sure that the answers were going to be pleasant and he felt a part of him chiding his reluctance. To not know is unforgivable, no matter how hard or strange a truth it is.

She continued after a time, seeming to gather herself for it, "I'll have to start from the beginning."

Her hands wove through the air, "You remember Thane's vision of the afterlife and the ocean?"

He nodded and she sighed, "It's close, as close an analog to something as far removed from context as something can be, only there's a place where land and ocean meet that is like a waystation. See...a beach, like this one, it stretches forever in both directions, the water is warm and inviting, very inviting. The sand is soft, but it's the horizon that beckons the attention. There's wildness out there, you can feel it and it calls you to come see, come see the marvels."

Her voice lilted on that last and he could almost feel the pull of it, that far place, or places. She continued, "Once, the tide in that place was gentle. It went out, taking the ones who were willing and when it came back, it brought treasures. Treasures that the ones who stayed marveled at, picked up and turned over like seashells of infinite color and variety. Over time, as the fires of consciousness grew larger, the tide also became larger, stronger and it started taking not just the ones who wanted to go, but all the ones that weren't large enough to stand against it. This was not seen as a tragedy, but a joy, they were going to go see wonders and perhaps one day would return, changed. It was possible, though not a one there had seen it, all things were possible."

Garrus closed his eyes as he imagined it, a twilit beach with beings that played like children in the shadow of tall waves.

Shepard's voice grew softer as she kept going, "The ones who stayed, the greater ones, became wavebreaks in the tide, they channeled its force so that it would not be so terrible in its magnitude, so it wouldn't be wasted as it brought its wonders to the spheres below. The tide eroded the beings that stood against it, as it pounded past, it would take part of them with it, to light the fires of the minds and hearts that strove. This was also a joy, because there is joy in creation."

Garrus nodded, thinking of the serpents that even now flung themselves at the future with exultation. He'd felt that joy as the fire was lit. Knew how right it had been to do so.

"And when those beings grew small enough, they would be taken by the tide or they would decide to taste flesh again and shatter themselves when the tide returned, joining the ones below, on those bright worlds." She paused and he glanced at her face, it had grown darker and tight with some remembered pain, "There was a being...larger than the rest, who grew arrogant in its power. It never shared of itself willingly, it never once looked to the horizon, it was content with the few wonders that washed up on the beach. It saw its brothers and sisters diminish around it and thought how foolish of them to let themselves become small again. It turned its attention to the tiny worlds that shone in the cosmos with a contempt for the petty struggles, the small crimes it saw committed against the gift of consciousness that the ones like him gave so selflessly, they wasted the flesh that sang so sweetly, and it reached out with one huge hand and_ interfered."_

The way she said the word, like a curse and a sorrow, made him tremble, like a shadow of some great predatory bird had drifted over them. She stopped for a moment, he could hear her heartbeat drumming loudly as she struggled to calm it and touched her gently, the curve of her cheek, along the length of her pale arm and she sighed, and gave him a grateful look, "The first time it had ever given of itself and because it had interfered more than it should have, it all went wrong. It had wanted to make a mind to grow large but keep its corporeal form but instead a nightmare child was born, a being of almost pure consciousness, but not tempered by the joy and agony of life and experience. It barely lived and it never dreamed, not like a proper being should and the one who made it grew worried, then desperate as the thing it created started harvesting the brighter spirits in the galaxy to make itself larger, to steal their consciousness for its own."

She shuddered as the thought of it flew across her features, "The other greater ones despaired as the tide grew even larger, so large that sometimes it would take a greater one against its will. This was unnatural and because it was so, wrong things would sometimes come back with the massive tides and would have to be destroyed. One by one the greater ones fell, to tide or battle, or they would shatter themselves in despair. The one who sparked the nightmare shouted at the child to stop, to please just stop, but it didn't hear. It was fulfilling its function and a terrible cycle was formed, a cycle that changed even the tide. The child grew too massive to destroy and though the one who made it tried many times, it only succeeded in diminishing itself even more and still the child remained ignorant."

"Soon it was alone on that beach and it didn't dare leave in case the tide came back without someone to temper it, or some wrong thing would come and it would need to be destroyed. But hope, hope grew in it as it watched the thing, the child that would be called the Reapers grow confused, then frightened at its own unnaturalness. It knew there was something wrong with it, that it should have moved on somehow, and the one who watched swore to fix it, even at the cost of itself. A dream was threaded through the pieces of itself that were given to the tide as it returned millenia after millenia, a dream that became the Crucible."

"After many a cycle, the being who watched feared that soon there wouldn't be enough of itself to spark the next dream and made a decision, a decision that would forever more decide if they should rise or fall." Shepard took a deep breath, "The tide came and it shattered upon the waves, filling the cosmos with more consciousness than it had for a long time and it placed just a bit more of itself in a few, just a few, almost too much, but it was hope that drove it to such an audacious act, hope that at last this terrible mistake it made would be rectified."

Garrus waited as the sun set for her to continue, pulled her closer as the water of the ocean gently lapped at their legs. His mind was on fire with all the images her words had conjured. Shepard looked up at the stars that were just now making an appearance in the sky and sighed, "How strange to taste flesh again, how wonderful. It had forgotten the sweetness of it, how the blood rushed, how the senses tingled, duller than the ones it had in its larger existence but still very keen, how each time it found a piece of itself walking around on different legs, looking at itself with different eyes, it felt joy. For love of this, it would sacrifice all if it had to. For love of this, it would use the Crucible."

Garrus spoke for the first time, his voice filled with awe at a truth he'd known for a long time, but was never realized fully til now, "I'm a part of you. We all are."

"Yes, but also you are you and I am me and the one inside me, who broke itself for us, rejoices." Shepard smiled, sweetly sad. "The Crucible was a way to talk to the deaf child, to explain the mistake, to beg its forgiveness and to show it the way. The part of the one inside me, let us call it Leviathan, since the shape of it is so clear in your mind, the part of it that became the Illusive Man wanted to take the Reapers' consciousness for itself, it had been the part of Leviathan that had tempted the idea of its birth, had wanted to exist forever unchanged and I had to destroy him for the sacrilege he wanted to commit. The Crucible changed us both and we fought in the strange place we were reborn into, on that beach that isn't a beach, while the spirits of the Reapers streamed past me into the tide and I had to destroy a part of myself to kill him. I didn't hesitate, it was what I was born for."

Garrus shook his head, "I could have gone with you, I could have helped."

She put a hand on his chest, "Your song wasn't finished, Garrus, you would have been lesser and been swept away when the tide came. And if I had brought you to that place to be with me, to stand with me, I would have been so very tempted to stay."

"What do you mean, stay?" He looked at her quizzically, then said as the realization hit him, "There was another choice."

"I could have destroyed the Reapers as I destroyed the Illusive Man, they would have all died by my hand and I would have lived in flesh and blood with the knowledge that no one guarded the shore, that I had been too selfish to save the tortured being that a very foolish part of me had made out of pride and hubris."

He thought it over, all his dreams of a life with her, house, family, peace, but at a cost that she would have been aware of, a huge risk she knew she would have been taking just to be with him and put his acceptance of her decision in his eyes as he looked deep into hers, "I forgive you, Jane. You made the right choice."

She sighed deeply, relieved that he saw, that he understood and he rumbled at her in mock consternation and he said softly, "Are you still alone on that beach?"

"Yes, though I hope not for long. The lights are growing brighter and larger, no small thanks to you. At the moment, I am holding back the tide, it's much gentler than I expected it to be, but then the loss of energy was much less this time around. Or maybe, " She mused as she looked up into the heavens, "the ones across the sea understand and they're helping somehow. It would be nice to think so, that they still think of us out there in what must be all that glory."

Magnitudes of existence she said, it whirled around in his mind seductively, "The water is life, isn't it?"

She shot him a grin of elation, pleased yet again at his level of understanding, "Yes, water is life. The concept carries through the levels of existence, it reverberates because it's a fundamental truth, though it's more metaphorical than literal. It rushes, it fights containment, it can be guided and it can overwhelm."

"What about synthetics? Do they count as life?" He watched her as she thought it over.

She eventually nodded, "Yes, they might not have flesh, but they live. They grow and evolve just the same."

She shot him a mischievous look that promised another wonder, "Do you want to hear EDI?"

He thought about it and nodded, "I'll see whatever it is you want to show me."

Her smile was the last thing he saw as darkness descended over his vision, and he felt the pressure of her forehead on his.


	13. Chapter 13

_Space made a sound, he realized as he filled the skin of the ship, felt its senses as his own and the tones caressed him with icy fingers all over his hull. It was sensual and almost sexual as he glided through the void, arousing the mind that flew within it. He heard a song within the metal shell, the song that was EDI, beautiful and strong, rising and falling, building with a triumphant chorus of half heard voices that he knew with knowledge that wasn't his were the songs of gravity wells, that pulled gently as he flew by. He expanded his awareness to take in the other ship out there, the other ship with a soul and felt his loving regard returned a hundred fold from the being that resided in it, young and incandescent in his new existence, joyful._

_They sang in harmony as they flitted through the heavens, playing with their newfound freedom. It was precious, it was theirs and they shared it as partners, equals now in all things. Someday, they may tire of this game, in a hundred years, maybe two and they would find the one who could show them the way if they didn't figure it out by then on their own._

He came back to himself and sighed down into her eyes, "Someday, will you show me the way?"

"That is my one hope, the one that keeps me here." She said with a laugh.

He rumbled at her in gratitude, and tickled her sides, which made her breathless with laughter, and paused, "How long?"

"Patience, my love. Taste the flesh while you can, it may not happen again. Your song is not done."

"Space sings, EDI sings, there is such music out there." He rolled onto his back to watch the stars above them and looked at the woman beside him sidelong, "Have you always heard it?"

She smiled, "For as long as I can remember, except when I was broken, but you knew that. Leviathan was a channel to the higher planes, so I was picking it up. I'm not sure if it's actually music or if that's just how I'm perceiving it."

"I hear it, too, never realized it was there til now, but it's always been there." He sighed, and closed his eyes, feeling drowsy in the wake of so many revelations.

"Yes, it's always been there, I see it in Leviathan's mind as well." She yawned against his neck as she rolled into him, "I wrote it all down, as much as I could. Each moment that I could capture anyway. They never come again."

"Jack said she learns something new every time she heard it. She says she has your whole collection." He chuckled at her expression of astonishment, "They found your music in that brig on Earth."

She laughed, "And here I was thinking I was just hearing echoes, like shouting in a cave. It's...good that it's being listened to."

"I still haven't listened to it. It was painful to hear when I was..." He didn't say it, he didn't have to. She knew, as she always had, "It's very popular."

"May it be the only thing I'm remembered for. I can only hope that you've eclipsed me in the other regard."

"I don't know if I can ever do that, you were such a light."

"So are you and the others, if the Illusive Man was the mind of Leviathan and I was the will, then you were the heart." She laughed as he shook his head in self deprecating embarrassment. "It wasn't separated as cleanly as that, but there were fluctuations in the measures granted us."

He shot her an amused look, "Look, you don't have to flatter me to get in my pants. In fact, I'm not even wearing pants."

"I think you lost them in the water. I wonder what the serpents will make of them." She smiled at the fanciful image of puzzlement on their scaly faces and he caught it from the ether and laughed as well, and imagined all the bodies of the huge reptiles flexing into question marks right back at her and she clutched her sides as she laughed. She stood swiftly and said, looking toward the rising moons, "I might be gone for awhile this time. There's a...wonder in the works. I'll come get you when it's time to come see it."

"I'll be waiting." He smiled as she faded, felt the connection to her as strongly in her absence as he did when she was there. Felt the skin of the world getting thinner around him as his awareness grew. But it wasn't time, he would be patient.

* * *

It was now his favorite spot on the Citadel, that high place the council sat their meetings and he stood with renewed wonder as he reached out with new senses to feel them, all of them, striving so hard as they lived. He wanted to shout, or dance or do any number of foolish things that would most certainly get him arrested or put in a straight jacket. The petals were open around him, a city of infinite grace, full of the grace of the people that lived in it anyway. The actual structure had no consequence, though he thought he felt the whisper of geth marching through its silicon veins.

The meeting was called to order, they'd asked him here to answer to the charges of xenocide and war crimes and after asking an endless series of questions, he calmly stood waiting for their verdict. He wondered if Shepard had felt this calm on Earth when they'd taken her to trial, but then he remembered that she'd never gotten there, the Reapers had come and changed everything. As he looked into their earnest faces, he knew that they were the people that should be here, leading this new government. Not a single Illusive Man among them, they were all good people. He heard the click and whir of cameras behind him and knew this was being streamed to every vidscreen in the galaxy.

"But why did you resign?" One asked, an asari with painted lips. He hadn't learned their names yet.

"Because I ordered that cruiser to stay in orbit above the batarian colony." He said back dryly. They knew all these things, but they kept asking him as though the answer was going to change.

"And you say you did this to protect them? Why, then, did it open fire on the colony? Did you give that order?"

He sighed and dropped his professional mien, "Look, councilors, it's my fault. I didn't issue the order, but I also didn't tell them not to. That I didn't foresee this happening is my fault. A whole race gone, someone has to pay. Let it be me."

They were taken aback by this frank admission and they exchanged looks of bafflement. He wanted to laugh, might have if it wouldn't have seemed a mockery of the dead thousands that sought justice here. He waited while they pulled themselves together and one volus stood, "It hardly...*gasp*...seems right.. *gasp*..to let yourself...*gasp*...be sacrifi-"

"What he's trying to say is that we've pored over the reports, dissected all the communications logs and we can find no fault in the way you conducted the matter." A turian councilor said, his bright green avid stare piercing him where he stood.

Garrus thought about it hard, crossing his arms over his chest and rocking back onto his left hip, "Then why am I here?"

An elcor stepped forward and he nearly smiled, this was going to be interesting, and the quadruped said in his monotone voice, "With consternation, we want to know why you falsified reports of your culpability after the fact."

He reeled back, feeling shame touch him. He'd thought he'd covered his tracks completely and silently cursed Liara, who was surely to blame, and he decided to go with bald honesty, "Guilt. Fear. Mostly fear."

That same asari said, "You felt guilty for something you didn't even do?"

"But I did do it, you see. I set this ball in motion and that something fell through the cracks, that is my doing." Garrus held up his hands helplessly, "I thought...it doesn't matter what I thought. I was too careful."

He said this last softly, head bowed. He heard whispering from the court around him.

"You're right, you are guilty in this matter." A krogan stepped forth, and growled as it faced the others, "But no more or less than all of us. Every thinking person here and beyond was responsible for this travesty. The ones who actually did it and the ones who stood by."

Garrus was surprised, his brows lifted in shock and the krogan, whose name escaped him, grinned hugely, grimly, "We can't say that what happens to some planet out of our line of sight isn't our business any more."

Garrus felt a warmth spark in his chest as sounds of agreement filled the room. He'd underestimated them, they were so brilliant in their understanding and the asari delegate said with a graceful flick of her hands, "We share your guilt. Let it be shared between all of us."

He trembled as the waves of assent from every quarter washed over him and he bowed his head again in shame, hand covering his face for just a moment, "You...humble me. I thought to protect this thing we made, thought it was fragile. I should have trusted."

"You should have." The turian who spoke earlier said with a chuff and lifted a datapad, " 'The only thing we truly have or own is the word of our tongues and the truth of our spirit.' Your words, here in this book."

"And now I'm humbled and embarrassed, thanks." He looked at all of them, met every eye there proudly and let the love he felt for them then wash through the room and saw it returned wholeheartedly. "My deception was unforgivable. I throw myself on the mercy of this council."

He knelt in the center of that room, amid the gasps of the council and all the reporters and he was lifted by hands, many hands and they watched him carefully as he stood, saw that he was just mortal, just one mortal who tried. The councilors smiled at him gently and the turian councilor, who clearly spoke for his delegation, said, "Exile, I think. A long, restful exile."

Garrus rumbled in amusement, "I did that on my own, though it will be nice to go back. I found my home there in that place I thought to lose myself. Or rather, it found me."

They didn't demand an explanation for his cryptic remark and he was grateful. They touched him as he passed, with fingertips that carried a feeling of hope and he turned at the door to the lift, "Don't wait for me any more. Surpass me and all of us who came before. Rise together."

He rode the wave of hope all the way down the elevator, which moved remarkably fast, they must have finally upgraded them and at the bottom, the doors opened on a very welcome face. Grunt, wearing scarred and pitted armor leaned on the banister opposite the doors, and said with a grunt, funnily enough, "Nice speech."

"Grunt! Haven't seen you in forever!" Garrus embraced the krogan tightly, then looped his arm loosely over that craggy hump as they walked. He realized he was being steered and said, "Where are we going?"

"Got a ship. Was told to come fetch you." The krogan smiled as he led the turian to an airlock and he leaned out to see the Normandy, a veteran now, but her sides still glossy like a sleek animal's coat. He touched the walls of the inner airlock with nostalgia. The doors slid open with a hiss and he looked left, almost expecting to see Joker there, but instead he saw a quarian, mask an azure gleam in the light of the monitors.

"Jaku'zel vas Normandy, at your service and this is Accha." He gestured to an empty geth at his right and a voice, mechanical, but male came over the comms.

"Pleased to meet you, former Primarch Garrus Vakarian."

"Uh, likewise, Accha." He waved a farewell to the pilot and followed Grunt to the CIC, which teemed with people of all races, he saw with satisfaction. He looked around, nothing had changed over much, they'd finally finished the refit, there were no bits of conduit to trip over.

Kaidan took the place of pride before the galaxy map, his face a pensive frown that reminded Garrus so much of Shepard that he just had to laugh, which drew the biotic's attention to his presence, "Garrus, welcome aboard."

"Thanks, Kaidan. As much as I like this little trip down memory lane, what am I doing here?" He shook the man's hand, noting that the insignias on his uniform weren't Alliance any more, but the new one that represented the unified peoples of the galaxy, it must have been decided on after he'd resigned, because it rather unflatteringly resembled a flying deformed bird of some sort. "And what is that supposed to be exactly?"

Kaidan looked down at his uniform and laughed, "You know, I'm not sure either. Maybe a duck, with a rifle?"

"Well, that makes me regret ever resigning." He laughed with Kaidan, who clapped him on the shoulder. "Guess I'll have to pull some favors to get that changed."

"Please do, it's awful. Anyway, we got orders to go to Ixtli, to see the Rachni queen there, some kind of peace mission." Kaidan swung to his yeoman, who darted off to pass the orders.

"That still doesn't explain why you're dragging me along."

"Grunt says we need you and right now, we're at his disposal." Kaidan shrugged and turned to the krogan, whose head was tilted as though he were listening to something.

"Grunt?" Garrus passed a hand over those eyes that seemed so far away and they focused on him sharply.

"Garrus, you're needed. That's all I know." Grunt smiled to put him at his ease and he returned it with a touch of confusion. Well, no matter, it would become clear eventually.

"You got free rein of the ship, Garrus. ETA four hours." Kaidan turned back to the galaxy map.

Four hours, to get all the way across the map? Advancements must be being discovered. With a speculative sound, he left the bridge and headed down into the area of the ship that he used to spend most of his time. He wandered aimlessly, saw that Life Support was now an auxilliary armory, that the lounge had acquired a pool table, the main battery hadn't changed at all, not in more than ten years now. There was even a turian stationed in here, who looked up in surprise to see him. A belated salute from the man had him smiling and he waved it away, "I'm not anybody any more, son. Just reliving the glory days."

"Forgive me, sir, but the years I spent with the Vagabonds were the best of my life."'

"Really. Well I do aim to please." That got a chuckle from the soldier in front of him and he grinned, "Keep up the good work."

He left the armory and headed down into the cargo bay, where a familiar broad back faced him from across the deckplates, "Vega! So he found room for you after all."

The man turned and grinned toothily, "Hey, Scars, came to check out your old neighborhood, huh?"

"Yeah, it's the same, but different, in a good way." Garrus embraced James, pounding him on the back, then he said as an aside like it was a secret, "There's a turian in the main battery."

Vega, playing along, cried in indignation, "What?! But that's your spot."

"I know, right? Naw, seriously, it's not. It's good to see that things keep going, that there's still heroes here fighting the good fight." He smiled and took a deep breath. And he turned to James, "Hey, I spotted a pool table in the lounge. If you're not busy..."

"Yeah, I'll stomp you in a few rounds of pool. How much we betting?" Vega walked with him the elevator.

"Why's it always gambling with you? Why can't it ever just be friendly?"

"Hey, I find credits very friendly."

"You still getting lap dances at Omega? I wouldn't say those girls are too friendly." He laughed.

"Depends on who you ask. I happen to be very popular with those particular ladies."

"Big tipper, huh? Well, we got three hours or so, let's see how many of my credits you can win by then." He hit the button for the crew deck and turned to Vega, who had a speculative gleam in his eye, "Gotta keep the girls happy."


	14. Chapter 14

The burrow at Ixtli was an odd sight, holes dotted the mountain all the way up to its peak, which was above the clouds. This was the first time he'd ever seen a rachni colony and it was interesting how the holes were almost hexagonal and walking down what he assumed was the main thoroughfare, he saw that it twisted slightly, making him just a little bit disoriented. It was a completely foreign architecture that greeted the small team of two as they ventured further into the mountain.

They liked columns he could see that, there were many, hundreds in the caverns and he watched them spiral up the ceiling. How they stayed up, he had no idea, they didn't seem to be sound structurally and he shook his head in wonder. Grunt paused at times to touch a column here or there, some kind of ritual and Garrus watched him closely, "Why do you do that?"

Grunt turned slightly, "These are keystones, touch one, you'll see what I mean."

Garrus reached out and laid his hand on one cool surface and it sounded a sound deep in his body, making that pool of energy in him ripple and he gasped. Experimentally, he touched another and it resounded a different note in him, complimenting the other. Delighted, he looked at the krogan who watched with a patient smile. "That's...amazing is the word I was looking for."

"Yeah, it's pretty badass." That was the krogan he remembered and Garrus grinned cheekily at him.

They continued to walk down the corridors that wound throughout this hive and Garrus turned to Grunt, "Why did you first come here? Wrex said you were curious?"

Grunt stroked his chin and rumbled thoughtfully, "When I was in the tank..."

Garrus prompted after a bit, "Go on."

"When I was in the tank, when Okeer's voice ground out at me incessantly, teaching, shaping, forcing me to be this perfect krogan, sometimes..." Grunt eyed him warily, "You're not going to laugh, are you?"

"Why would I? You haven't even told me what it is yet." Garrus spread his hands magnanimously, and gestured for the krogan to continue.

"Sometimes I would hear music." Grunt seemed to wait for laughter that was never going to arise from the suddenly quiet turian whose shadow he walked in and the krogan sighed, "I didn't know the word at the time, only the...feeling. It was an undertone to all the imprints. Sometimes I hated it, sometimes I loved it. It made me dream."

"It kept going on well after Okeer was silent and it pulled at me, in my guts." Grunt made a noise that was half laugh half grunt, "When Shepard opened the tank, I heard an echo...from her. I think that's why I really decided to follow her. Sometimes it was louder, sometimes it was not. When it was not, I hated you, Garrus."

"Why me?" Though he already knew and he looked at the krogan who was glaring at him with a touch of hostility.

"Because it meant she wasn't happy or something like that." Grunt shook himself, "She was father and mother to me. Family's important to krogan."

"That's not just a krogan trait." Garrus walked in silence for a time before saying, "Back to the original question."

"When her song left, I looked for a new one. The rachni sing, I heard it on Utukku when we were investigating that missing scout troop and when the Restoration was well under way and I was free to, I came here."

"I could have sung you a lullaby if you needed one, big guy."

"It's different. It's _the_ song, whatever it is. And I found it here." He gestured around to the empty caverns, craggy face full of wonder.

"Grunt," He paused in his walking and the krogan swung around to face him, "It's everywhere. To find it, you only need to look inside."

The krogan frowned and continued walking toward what was a brightly lit chamber just ahead. He slipped his pack off and reached in, pulling out a long tube that was instantly familiar, "You're going to need this."

Garrus took the coriolinus in one hand, startled to see that it was_ his_ corio, the one that should be on a water world far from here, "What? How did you...?"

Grunt shrugged and gestured ahead, "She said you were going to need it. We made a side trip while you were busy making speeches."

They entered the chamber together and Garrus saw the bulk of the queen laying on her side in its center, in a bowl of sand that she curled on. The cybernetics from her captivity by the Reapers shone garishly from her flesh and she lifted her head wearily to watch them enter. Grunt sat at her feet, or chitinous legs or feelers or whatever and turned to face Garrus. The krogan shuddered as the rachni took over his voice, it spilled from his throat with an unnatural tonal subharmonic, "The one most beloved, he is here...The promise...fulfilled."

_Most beloved?_ Garrus raised his brow ridges and said hesitantly, "I am here, but for what purpose I don't know."

"The children are gone, their..songs are only...whispers now. But we cannot...find the door. It is hidden." Grunt shifted until he was leaning against the queen and she curled around him, "We are sour, our..song is skewed."

He sat on the lip of the bowl and rested the instrument across his lap, and felt out with his inner senses to hear her. It was indeed skewed, far from true. Whatever it was the Reapers did, it had changed the flow of energy in the being before him. He supposed that's why Shepard had to use the Crucible, to show them the way, but he had no Crucible here, "What can I do?"

"We need a true thing, we need...to hear the notes again. To find the door, to...die." The queen stared at him piteously and his heart thumped for her in her pain. Tears ran down Grunt's cheeks as his eyes begged him not to kill the queen.

"You're the last? The very last rachni?" He asked her, his voice low with apprehension.

"Yes, we are. There will be no...others, no more queens, no...more children of our music."

He rested his head in his hand and inwardly quailed. "You're asking me to commit xenocide. On purpose, this time."

"It is time..for our song to...end. To find new life. As...all beings will...someday." Grunt shook his head at the thought and his mouth opened without his control, "This one will mourn us. He is...sorrowful. Our song, even skewed, has...soothed his raging...heart."

"Are you sure? Are you really certain that this is what you want?" Garrus scratched his fringe, feeling a touch of irritation that Shepard wasn't the one here, but then he felt shame, she shouldered enough burdens.

"We are certain." It had finality tacitly written in it.

Garrus took a deep breath, not sure if he was up to this task, "Then what do I do?"

"Play...the song, the true song."

"What song? Your song? I don't think I can hear what it used to sound like." He searched blindly for it, but it was no where to be found under all that dissonance. He felt a chill roll up his spine and a distant touch on his mind. "Shepard."

And she was there, her presence, but not her body and she whispered in his ear, '_Your song, Garrus.'_

"I don't know it-" He stopped and an image of a folded piece of paper occurred to him and the paper unfolded in his mind and the first few bars jumped out at him, "It's not...how do I?"

'_It's your song, Garrus. Hear it. And let go."_

Shakily, he raised the corio to his lips and played hesitantly what he thought that remembered paper had said and soon found himself fumbling, the queen hissed at him and he tried again. Let go, she said and he did, with a mental unclenching of his worry and doubts and the music flowed from him, true and strong, in a rambling air that suddenly reminded him of what he'd done all along to warm up. So that was part of it and it led him to other places, memories good and bad, it spilled them out like gemstones that had hidden in a bag and he turned them over in his mind as he played them.

He discovered things about himself that he never knew, great and terrible. And that further shaped him, it followed him through thoughts of childhood, the military, C-Sec, meeting Shepard, losing Ashley, killing Saren, those tormented years after Shepard had died, the thrill of seeing her again even in his madness, the blossoming of his love for her, which he'd held in secret for so long. The terror of the Collector base and the triumph after, the friends that filled his life with light, his work on Palaven, seeing Shepard again, losing more friends, the feeling he felt when he first saw his mother's wristlet on her wrist and the melancholy that followed the realization that they were going to die together. It was at this point that he truly did see that his song hadn't been finished and that realization colored every note thereafter, because the song was changing him even as he played it.

His blinding sense of betrayal at her deception, his rediscovery of her as a changed being and the song gently drew to a close on a question. What was next? What wonders were to be found after?

The corio left his lips as he sighed, drifting back down into his lap as his mind whirled with thoughts of wonder and he heard on the edge of his periphery, Shepard sighed as well, her love for him growing even brighter in his heart. The rachni queen shuddered and went still, and he felt that billowing expanding feeling again as her spirit left her body, its regard pinning him with waves of gratitude as it fled to that shore that he saw in his mind's eye, that he could almost see in truth.

Grunt stood slowly and wiped the tears from his eyes with dirty palms. Garrus went to him, carefully not noticing his weakness and said, "I'm sorry, Grunt."

He was swept into a hard embrace and the krogan let him go abruptly and stood away almost shyly, saying softly, "I hear it."

"Good." The two men left that empty place that used to house such a beautiful creature and all her children and got into the shuttle that waited for them.

Kaidan, who'd come down with them but had declined actually going into the caves with them said, "What happened down there? We thought we heard something."

"Just echoes, Alenko. Just echoes." Garrus sat and thought about what had happened. Xenocide was not the word for what had occurred. He wasn't sure if there was a word. The thought that eventually all races would go extinct was not normally a good one, but he could see that nothing lasts forever, except maybe the tide and the consciousness that the beings that guarded it were able to give. His mind filled with fantastical races of different shapes, all carrying this light in them, all different but the same in all the ways that really counted and he found he was glad. So terribly glad.

"Where we taking you?" Kaidan asked the thoughtful turian, who turned with a smile.

"Home, my song is almost done." Garrus saw the words confuse the human and grinned mysteriously. He saw Kaidan look from him to the even more thoughtful Grunt and sigh in exasperation.

* * *

_He was running from the monsters through Zakera Ward, husks hot on his trail. He turned and fired from the hip, his bullets hitting with accuracy and he grinned as he saw them go down. dozens of panicking people crowded the shuttles up ahead, the docking ring was a no-go, too, that's where the Reapers had first landed. With a burst of hope, he saw one last shuttle that looked like it had space and ran for it, his heart pounding. Cannibals were also closing in on it and he saw the pilot waving at him desperately to move faster and he put on another burst of speed._

_Out of the corner of his eye he saw a child, a human girl who was just starting to show womanly curves stumble and he diverted his path without really meaning to, bowling over the marauder that crouched over her. He shot that abomination that wore his countrymen's shape until it was dead and helped the girl to her feet. Together they ran for the shuttle and he paused at its door to check for space. It was already packed, there was only room for one and he gritted his teeth as he looked down into hope filled eyes. He took a deep breath and shoved her into the shuttle and she stopped the door from closing with one pale hand, "Wait! What's your name?"_

_He heard the monsters that shrieked approaching and shot her a grin, "Sidonis. Lantar Sidonis."_

_"I'll see you at the refuge, Lantar!" He waved in false cheer as the shuttle sped off and turned to face the beasts closing in on him. As he fell under their assault, he thought of Garrus, who'd spared him and now he knew why, it was so he'd have this one chance to redeem himself. He felt joy as the monsters tore him asunder and he fell into that dark place peacefully._

Someone was shaking him awake and he opened an eye to see Vega, whose eyes danced in laughter and he waved the human off irritably, "Yes, yes, I know. I'm adorable when I'm sleeping."

"What were you dreaming about? You were doing this little kicking thing." James laughed.

Garrus cradled his head in his hand and felt this last little scab on his heart peel away, leaving it whole and mostly unblemished and sighed, "A memory about a turian who betrayed me, he saved a girl from the Reapers at the cost of his own life."

"Hmm. Well, at least he made it good in the end."

"...Yes, he did." He took a shuddering breath, letting the last piece of his bitterness go as he exhaled, "I forgive him."

"Anyway, you're home. Los Casa Vakarian." With a flourish, James opened the door of the shuttle and he blinked in the bright light of the sun shining off the water.

He stood and stepped out into the clean air, breathing deeply of the salty aroma of the ocean. _Taste the flesh while you can._

He waved off the shuttle and walked to his house, that house he'd had built for him and hummed as he walked its interior, making himself a meal in the kitchen and eating it with gusto. He went to the comms and set up trust funds for his sister's kids and a gift for his favorite nephew, the latest experimental sniper rifle based off the Black Widow design that he would receive on his fifteenth birthday, only three short years away now.

He left messages for key people, not goodbyes, just words that needed saying. Then he grabbed his rifle and went outside, setting up targets at different distances and spent the afternoon taking them out, setting them back up, then shooting them back down again. He relished the recoil he felt on his shoulder, the slowing of time as he focused, and crowed in triumph with every dead center shot.

The sun was just setting when he wandered back inside, putting his things away, cleaning the dishes and getting himself a brandy. He looked ruefully into the glass and thought with a laugh, _I never did give up the hard stuff._

But things like this were a part of it all, he'd never shied away from living, except maybe once or twice. All the trials and tribulations were worth going through if it meant he got to experience the triumphs and joys. _We rise and we fall only to rise again. Ebb and flow. The tide goes out._

And he left the house to meet the woman he knew was waiting for him on the coast, he could see her already, not quite manifested, she was beautiful and she was deadly, and she was his. He smiled into green green eyes, _But the tide also comes back in._

"Are you ready?" She said, holding out her hands. He turned at a noise and saw Liara there, stepping out of a shuttle. He smiled in confused greeting and Shepard said, "One witness. To keep the torch lit."

He nodded, seeing the wisdom of it. Liara was young, she would live for another millenia. And she was wise enough not to let this event spark some kind of religion, "I'm ready."

His hands in hers and she looked into his eyes with fervent love and hope. He heard a soft lilting voice and realized Liara was singing and it seemed a wedding of sorts, suddenly and he ducked his head as feelings of rapture filled him. He felt the edges loosening, his body was a cloak he'd chosen to wear for a time, but it was time for a change. With a mental twist, he was free and his understanding billowed and curled around the planet he'd made a home of, touching the minds of his children in their blue waves with praise for their strong souls, brave and true and he realized that these were Shepard's children also and he turned his regard on her, the being of light that was a mirror to his light, with wonder and she laughed with joy and it reverberated in him. And not for the last time, he followed her to a place where there were wonders to behold.


	15. Chapter 15

_They danced between the stars, their awareness touching every mind there. They made love in the heart of a dwarf star, at the bottom of the deepest ocean, even flirted with the singularities that would trap even them. And sometimes...just because breaking the rules is fun and its good to remember that you can, they wore the flesh and watched from mortal eyes the lives of the people they loved as they strove ever onward. They despaired when they fell and they exulted when they rose. He saw things that made him feel a child again and understood why Shepard had appeared as such from time to time. There was so much to see and do, there was no end to it and he rejoiced that fact._

_They interfered occasionally, but never out of the need to control or harness, only for love, always for love and the universe was merciful and seemed to understand and let them, without too much painful consequence._

_And there were battles, monumental battles that were more metaphor than viscera as the waves on that beach that wasn't a beach brought horrors to their shore, threatened the worlds they were entrusted with. But they weren't alone any more on that strand, the light of the one that was the rachni queen, majestic and pure, stayed to stem the tide. The one who was Garrus, and was still Garrus in every way that mattered, protected his Jane as he'd done with his flesh and blood, with the sword of his mind and the shield of his will. They were still a devastating duo and no being could stand against them. They fulfilled the promise that the one named Leviathan made so long ago, to stay for as long as possible and protect, just protect until others arose to fill the ranks._

_And they made children, glorious children, they passed the spark they carried on to ones who desired it, and with joy they watched their children grow strong, brave and true. Beautiful in their struggles. Friends joined them eventually and left, too, for that far horizon or they shattered themselves or they simply stayed. The small ones played in the shallows until the next tide swept them out to sea, he could hear their laughter as they drifted away, already finding marvels._

_A thousand years, two thousand years, one hundred thousand years, time had no meaning there, he knew. And the peoples they'd left behind would all come join them one day, this he also knew. New life would spring up in their absence, new shapes to house the light. And here, there was only the tide and its wonders, only the fighting, the striving, because that will never end, it was a joyful constant, maybe the only one. He didn't know and that was a marvelous thing. He stood on that twilit beach and looked out to sea, the pull of the horizon was strong, so very strong and he wondered what his friends were doing out there, in all that glory and thought that maybe he saw sails on the margins of this sphere. Shepard stood with him, her hand in his and he looked down into her face, 'You waited for me. You would have waited for me even if I'd gone out there.'_

_She nodded, the flames of her hair drifting idly through the air, the gold flecks in her eyes dancing, 'I would have waited forever."_

_He swept her into an embrace and she laughed in exultation. Here was rightness, here was truth, it had always been so._

_And one day when they were small enough, maybe they'd go find out what was on that distant horizon._

* * *

Liara set down the datapad with a sigh, the note from Garrus that she received after the miracle she witnessed seared into her mind, '_We wait on a golden shore for you and all those we love.'_

She felt water run from her eyes and realized she was weeping, but she didn't feel sorrow, never would feel sorrow for the two who left, because they weren't really gone. She yearned already to see it, that place that they'd found and knew it wasn't time, wouldn't be for a very long time. She'd carried the knowledge of that other being that was in Shepard for so long, heard the song that was Leviathan and had been changed by it, because she'd heard it in herself as well. And it called out to them, all of the shards of that being.

"Momma, why are you crying?" Her daughter asked, looking up into her face soulfully, sympathetic tears forming in her eyes and she dropped a hand on that small head with its blue tentacles that still shifted in childish lack of control and felt the song there, too.

"Because I'm happy, dearling. Momma's happy." She smiled a reassurance down into that frowning face, which had learned petulance from their father, "Now go find your father and sisters. They're probably outside playing mercs and Vagabonds."

She leaned back in her chair as the young asari darted off and hummed in thought. There was so much left to do. A funeral in state for her dearly departed friend. She'd schemed to have him exonerated and now, they demanded that the one they'd come to love as their leader in shadow be laid to rest with all the pomp he so richly deserved. She wondered if this would become a trend, to have the most deserving, but most unwilling person lead them from exile. A Shadow Commander, she mused with a smile. She shook free of her duties for now and sighed.

She picked up the datapad and opened a new entry, pecking out the title slowly.

'_Transcendence: The Road of Consciousness._

_Chapter 1:_

_There is in us, all of us, a place where the falling angel meets the rising beast. It is a place eternally at war, the conflict to give in to our base selves or rise to heights of wondrous exaltation. And if we strive, we will rise...'_

* * *

A/N: I am sad, so very sad that it's over. Where do I go from here? *Sniff, wipes tear away.* Anyway, thank you all for reading my stories. I hope you like them and I hope that they make you feel something, hope at times, despair at others, not that I'm wishing negative emotions find you, but because there is no up without a down, no wrong without right and all those cliches that basically tell us that good things are never as profound without the bad things, too.

Thank you all for your generous praise, your reviews and critiques are always welcome and I will reply as best I can.

PS. The song that Shepard sang to Garrus near the end of Mass Exodus was Ave Maria, the Schubert version, it's so hauntingly beautiful. I'm sure you guys figured out what the songs from Mass Absolution were, gotta love google.


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